Sober friends are such downers. How could they possibly enjoy anything without being drunk, high or tripping out on who knows what? Before you laugh at your sober friend, you might want to think about how valuable they truly are. After all, they are smart enough not to get black out drunk at a party full of strangers. They do have fun, but it’s just different than your version of fun. The truth is, you need to always have someone you trust around who stays sober when you’re not.
- To give you a ride home. Having a designated driver is key. Even if you’ve only had a few drinks, your reflexes are still impaired slightly. You definitely shouldn’t be thinking about driving when you can barely walk after a night at the bar. Not only can your friend take your keys, but she can make sure you get home safely.
- To stop you from going home with the creepy dude. Sure, he looks hot after you’ve downed a few shots and took whatever little pill he gave you. You’re laughing and hanging on to him. What does your sober friend do? Grabs your arm and pulls you away. She knows the guy’s bad, but in your state, you don’t realize it. She’ll make sure you don’t go home with creepy guys.
- To hold your hair back. One of the most disgusting things you can do is vomit in your own hair. One look at the chunks hanging in the hair you worked on for an hour before leaving the house is enough to make you start puking all over again. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was someone to hold your hair back while the night catches up with you? Sober friends are incredible. Even though you did something stupid, she’ll still hold your hair for you.
- To keep you out of jail. A fight breaks out and you’re all ready to jump in, or you think it’s fine to try to steal an officer’s night stick. It’s amazing what a bunch of alcohol can do to your brain. You need someone to fill in as your voice of reason until you’re able to think clearly for yourself. Otherwise, your antics could leave you with a horrifying mug shot. That’s really not the kind of selfie you want showing up on Instagram.
- To remember what you did. Okay, so this could come back to bite you in the ass if you piss your friend off. On the other hand, she might remember who the hot guy you were hitting on was or what you said to your bestie to have her refusing to speak to you. She’ll also happily tell you about how you danced on the table and fell off or tried to profess your love to a goldfish. Sometimes it’s nice to know what the hell you did the night before.
- To stop you from being too stupid. Stripping down so guys can do body shots off you might seem like a great idea, and you’re way too far gone to think about how many people are taking pictures or shooting video. Sober friends stop you before you do something too stupid. She’ll probably let you do at least some things just so they can make fun of you later, but she’ll do their best to keep you from doing anything too dangerous though.
- To give you money when you’re broke. Since she’s not wasting every dollar on booze, she still has money. This means when you’re starving later and only have some change left, she’ll buy you a burger and fries. Don’t forget to do something really nice for her when you can. She doesn’t mind taking care of you, but she doesn’t like being used, either.
- To be your crutch. You looked incredible when you walked in those sky high stilettos. When you try to leave, you look like a drunk clown standing on stilts. Every step is an accomplishment. You could try to do it all on your own or use your handy sober friend as a crutch. Trust me, you’ll look a lot better when you’re standing upright and not stumbling around hoping your heel doesn’t snap off.
- To help you through hangover hell. No one enjoys hangovers, unless you’re the friend without one. Sober friends do enjoy watching your misery. Despite the joy the get at your expense, if your friend happens to be your roommate or comes over to check on you the next day, they can do wonderful things like make you coffee and turn off any loud noises. It’s truly amazing that she’ll still take care of you the next day.
- To keep you from losing stuff. It’s incredible how much stuff you lose when you’re drunk. You know you went into the party with pants on, but now you’re wearing a tablecloth. A sober friend acts much like a parent. She keeps an eye on you and when you leave stuff lying around and run off towards the next shiny object, she picks your stuff up and hold on to it for you. I’ve even seen some women carry large purses just to collect their friend’s random crap throughout the night.
- To take away your phone. I know, it’s your phone, but you really don’t need anything that takes pictures when you’re drunk. You don’t look cool. Plus, all those photos you’re uploading to social media could cost you relationships and jobs. Current and potential employers aren’t going to want someone who posts half naked pictures of herself playing beer pong all the time. They just assume you’re too immature to have a real adult job.
- To show you other ways to have fun. If you give her half a chance, a sober friend knows how to have fun. She’s happy to take you along and prove you don’t need any extra substances to enjoy yourself. I’m sure you think they’re a complete bore to have around when you’re drunk, but she can inspire you to party a little less and spend more time having fun as a sober person.
- To laugh with. Drunk people are hilarious (and annoying) to sober people. Sober people are just as funny to drunk people. If you need a laugh, just look at your sober friend. The looks she gives you when you’re about to do something crazy will have you laughing for hours. Besides, it’s always fun to poke at the sober person. Don’t worry, she’ll get her revenge.
It’s safer, smarter and more fun to always have a sober friend by your side. Keep the friend happy and they’ll make sure you enjoy yourself safely.