13 Ridiculous Sex Tips You Should DEFINITELY Ignore

13 Ridiculous Sex Tips You Should DEFINITELY Ignore ©iStock/nd3000

There are plenty ridiculous sex tips out there, and most of them are from “women’s interest” magazines that want to teach us how to please our men and keep them begging for more. Sure, sex should be good for both you AND your partner, but some of the so-called “tips” out there are better off being ignored.

  1. Use your teeth. The penis is a sensitive organ. Too much teeth can leave a man writhing in pain – it’s best to avoid it completely (unless he asks you otherwise, of course!).
  2. Indulge in unconvincing dirty talk. You know that over-the-top dirty talk in p*rnos? Yeah, that’s not sexy in real life (or in p*rn, really). Talking dirty is fine, but you don’t have to overdo it.
  3. Pay attention to unrelated body language. For example, if he touches his belt, he definitely wants you. I genuinely remember being told this as a teenager, and I just can’t even fathom why a man touching his belt means that he wants to have sex with you. It could just mean that he needs to pull up his pants, for example.
  4. Make intense eye contact. Eye contact can very quickly become staring when it lasts over about 5 seconds. Staring is rude and creepy.
  5. Use sex as a bribe. Sex is definitely not supposed to be used as payment for anything, and people don’t enjoy it being used as such. There definitely are those who consensually agree to such roles, but that’s a whole different dynamic at play.
  6. Put food all over your body. Not so much ridiculous as it is over-exaggerated. A little food goes a long way. After that, it gets messy and sometimes distracting.
  7. Chew fruit before you give him a blow job. If you really can’t bear to have him in your mouth, try asking him to wash before you go any further. Half-chewed pulpy fruit in your mouth won’t do much to fix the bad taste, if that’s your problem.
  8. Blindfold him. This is one of those ridiculous sex tips that’s suggested for women who feel a little self-conscious in the sack. Honestly, men really don’t see what you see when you’re having sex, and blindfolding him is only calling attention to your insecurities rather than helping them.
  9. Try DIY condoms. Sweet wrappers and plastic wrap are not good condom alternatives.
  10. Have him pull out before he comes. Nuh uh. Doesn’t work. Go buy some condoms or get off the pill.
  11. Foreplay is optional. Getting in the mood is essential to healthy sex, so foreplay is not optional. Even if it’s a few minutes, make sure to spend the time to get you both in the right frame of mind.
  12. Focus on his pleasure. People like to see their partners turned on. Focus on your pleasure as much as you do his.
  13. Make him sneeze just as he comes. Okay, this one’s from Cosmo, but I’ve heard it elsewhere, too. Apparently sneezing just as you orgasm makes for a stronger experience, but something tells me that even trying this move will end in tears. And, you know, gross mucus all over your stomach.
Sarah is a full-time content marketer, part-time freelancer. She’s a serial hobbyist (which just means that she does a lot of random things, but none of them particularly well). Her real talent lies in her ability to consume copious amounts of wine, whilst discussing feminism and reading A Song of Ice and Fire for the 8th time... All while saving puppies from burning houses, of course. You can see more of her work here, or pop over to Twitter and say “‘ello ‘ello” @daughterdipstik