Dry spells happen to even the best of us. We can spend periods of time getting it on like every day is our last day on Earth, then suddenly ― BAM! The well runs dry, there’s no human in sight to screw you, and you end up banging your head against the wall in woeful despair. It happens. It totally sucks, but it’s just part of life. Everyone has a dry spell, or a long-ass, life altering drought at some point.
When it’s been way too long since you got laid, you start to notice things about yourself that are just a little bit off. The way you approach the world and what interests you are just a little different than when you’re having sex all the time. If you’ve ever gone months (or years?) without sex, you know exactly what I’m talking about; if it’s yet to happen to you, then here’s what you can expect.
- You’re attracted to the most random people. It’s as if your standards have totally dropped about 50 notches, because suddenly you’re attracted to people you would have never looked twice at before. To put it bluntly, you basically want to screw ugly people for the first time in your life.
- Your condom collection has expired. Condoms have a pretty long lifespan, so when you find one at the bottom of your handbag that expired in 2013, you know something is up.
- You’re starting to lose interest in masturbation. In the beginning of your dry spell, you may find that you’re masturbating more than usual, but then things sort of slow down. Eventually, you just get to a point where your interest in even getting yourself off is “meh.”
- You realize you’re on edge A LOT. It might be a stereotype that people get all angsty when they haven’t had sex, but many stereotypes exist for a reason. Yes, that bottled up sexual frustration is driving you mad, and yes, that’s why you want to throw down with everyone who even remotely pisses you off.
- You start to wonder if the born-again virgin thing is real. As in, you spent the first half of your morning Googling, “Can my vagina close up after no sex for a long time?” Yahoo Answers will probably tell you that it can.
- You won’t even dare to admit to the exact amount of time it’s been. Well, it’s not just that you don’t want to pinpoint it down to the very day when you last had sex, but that you honestly don’t even remember. You do remember that there was snow on the ground, but you just don’t remember exactly what year that blizzard you’re remembering actually happened.
- You make way too many sex jokes. You know how 15-year-old boys just love to talk about sex because they’ve never had it? Yeah, well that’s you after a good six months or more without it.
- Your bed has a dent in the middle of it. Once upon a time, your bed was a comfortably flat surface because every inch of it got equal attention, but now it just has a permanent dent in the middle from you rolling solo every night.
- You start remembering the bad sex in your life as good. All of a sudden, that guy who had no idea where your vagina even was is making you tremble with hot thoughts.
- Food has become your number one source of comfort. If you can’t have sex, you might as well have the next best thing: Pizza (and lots of it).
- The sausage aisle at the grocery store is suddenly intriguing. All the different sizes, shapes, and colors! Oh, look there’s mini ones, too! Wait. Do I see the banana section from here?
- You don’t know the last time you wore your sexy underwear. In fact, the very sight of them is bumming you out so much that you’re even considering throwing them out. Granny panties are more comfortable after all.
- Your hugs are getting a little too long. You’re so desperate for human contact that when you hug someone, you just don’t want to let go. You’ve become that creepy hugger in your circle of friends and at work, and people have decided it’s better to greet you and say goodbye to you with a handshake instead. You’re such a creep now.