Friendships can be the backbone of our lives, but sometimes, they’re not as healthy as they should be. It’s easy to ignore red flags when you’re wrapped up in shared memories and familiar comforts. But if you’re starting to feel more like a human ATM, a confidant for their every crisis, or just a perpetual support system, you might be dealing with a taker. Here’s how to tell if your “friend” has turned into someone who takes more than they give.
1. Everything Is On Their Schedule
You know those friends who only seem available when it suits them? The ones who can never quite carve out time unless it’s on their terms? If you’re always adjusting your calendar to fit theirs, you might be dealing with a classic taker. According to research by psychologist Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, relationships thrive on mutual respect and reciprocity, and your time is no less valuable than theirs.
Your plans are always canceled last minute, because something “better” came up, or worse, you’re left waiting for hours on end. They never seem to realize that you’re bending over backward, skipping other commitments just to accommodate. It’s as if your time doesn’t have the same value, making you question if your presence even matters. If they only show up when it’s convenient, you’re not a priority, you’re an option.
2. Conversations Are Always About Them
Ever notice how every conversation seems to circle back to their latest drama, accomplishment, or trivial gripe? It’s like they’re holding court, and you’re the unwilling audience. You try to share your life updates, but they somehow manage to hijack the dialogue back to them. This isn’t a friendship; it’s a one-sided talk show starring them.
When you’re together, there’s this invisible script where your lines are predetermined cues for them to launch into a monologue. They rarely ask about your day, let alone listen when you try to share. And when they do, it’s merely a segue into a story about themselves. You start to feel like their therapist, minus the paycheck and with all the emotional baggage.
3. They Never Give You Any Support
When life throws you a curveball, they’re nowhere to be found, but should they stub a toe, it’s a five-alarm emergency. Your triumphs are met with lukewarm “good for you,” yet they expect a parade for their minor victories. A study by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology notes that genuine friendships are built on mutual support—something conspicuously absent with a taker.
It’s not just about sharing the good times; the real test is who sticks around when the going gets tough. They seem allergic to offering a shoulder to cry on but expect yours to be permanently available. Essentially, they treat your problems like a nuisance while theirs are treated as the center of the universe. If you ever feel like your friendship is a one-way street, you’re not entirely wrong.
4. They Borrow, But Don’t Return
You’ve lost count of the number of books, clothes, or random household items that have gone missing in their “borrow and forget” vortex. It’s as if their definition of borrowing is a lifetime loan with no expectation to return. You’re consistently left to replace things that should have been temporary exchanges. It starts with small items, but soon, entire closets start to feel like open season.
What grates the most is the nonchalant attitude they adopt when you ask for your stuff back. It’s like retrieving your property is a minor inconvenience in their grand life scheme. They might even act affronted, as if you’re breaking some unspoken code of unlimited generosity. But generosity is a two-way street, and you’re tired of the tolls.
5. They Treat Favors Like Entitlements
You know that friend who thinks you’re a 24/7 Uber, personal assistant, and emergency fund all rolled into one? They ask for favors without a hint of gratitude, as if your life revolves around meeting their needs. Dr. Adam Grant, author of *Give and Take*, describes this as the hallmark of a “taker” personality, which thrives on exploitation.
Initially, you might oblige, thinking it’s part of being a good friend. But over time, the requests become demands, and the gratitude is glaringly absent. They rarely consider returning the favor and often seem oblivious to the imbalance. This is not friendship; it’s a transactional nightmare where only one side is depositing effort.
6. Your Success Threatens Them
Instead of celebrating your achievements, they seem to shrink in response, masking envy with backhanded compliments or passive-aggressive remarks. You might hear things like, “Wow, I didn’t think you had it in you,” which leaves you questioning their sincerity. Their lack of genuine excitement speaks volumes about their inability to share the spotlight.
It’s like they perceive your success as a direct threat to their self-worth. They might even try to downplay your accomplishments or shift attention back to them, effectively hijacking what should be your moment. Real friends celebrate each other’s wins, but a taker sees them as a zero-sum game. You’re left wondering if they even want you to succeed at all.
7. You’re Always The One Apologizing
Why is it that every disagreement leaves you feeling like you’re at fault? You’re always the one extending olive branches, smoothing things over, even when you’re not the one in the wrong. A study published in the *Journal of Social and Personal Relationships* found that takers often manipulate social dynamics to avoid personal accountability, making you the perpetual peacemaker.
Your apologies become a kind of currency, one that keeps the peace but depletes your emotional reserves. Meanwhile, they saunter away unscathed, never taking ownership of their actions. The imbalance creates a toxic dynamic where you’re conditioned to prioritize their feelings over your own. This emotional gaslighting leaves you in a constant state of self-doubt.
8. They Vanish When You’re In Need
You’ve noticed their uncanny ability to disappear just when you’re about to implode from stress or need a helping hand. The moment you require something from them, they’re suddenly “super busy” or dealing with “a lot right now.” It’s as if they’ve mastered the art of selective availability, making you question their commitment.
When they do resurface, it’s with convenient amnesia or a well-rehearsed excuse. You’re left dealing with your problems alone, wondering why you even bothered calling them a friend. A real friend steps up in times of need, while a taker takes off. It’s a painful reality, but one that’s essential to recognize.
9. You’re Their Go-To Emotional Dumping Ground
Whenever they’re upset, you’re the first person they call, and they never hesitate to spill every sordid detail. It’s like you’re their emotional landfill, there to absorb all their angst without a second thought. You listen, console, advise, and repeat, while they never seem to offer the same level of support in return.
It’s draining, and after a while, you start to feel more like a therapist on pro bono duty than a friend. They monopolize your time, venting endlessly about their problems without ever asking about yours. The imbalance leaves you emotionally exhausted, with little left to give yourself, let alone anyone else. It’s a thankless role, one that takes more than it gives.
10. They Make Everything A Competition
Every time you achieve something, they somehow find a way to one-up you. Did you run a marathon? They ran two, barefoot in a snowstorm. It’s exhausting and discouraging, making you feel like nothing you do could ever match up to their ever-so-perfect narrative.
Instead of celebrating your victories, they turn them into a competition, leaving you feeling like you’re never quite enough. Their need to outshine everyone else belies a deep-seated insecurity that they project onto you. It’s less about your achievement and more about their need to validate themselves. You’re left questioning why your friend can’t just let you have your moment in the sun.
11. They Disregard Your Boundaries
You’ve made it clear that certain topics, actions, or requests are off-limits, yet they bulldoze through your boundaries like they’re suggestions rather than firm lines. It’s as if your boundaries are invisible, leaving you feeling disrespected and unheard. They treat your limits as negotiable, testing your patience and resolve.
The more you try to enforce your boundaries, the more they push back, making you question if it’s even worth the effort. It feels like a constant battle, one where your needs are perpetually sidelined for their convenience. You start to wonder if they even understand what a boundary is, let alone why it’s important. It’s not just frustrating; it’s emotionally exhausting.
12. Their Generosity Comes With Strings Attached
On the rare occasion that they do something nice for you, it’s usually with an unspoken IOU attached. Their favors come with conditions or expectations, turning what should be a kind gesture into a transactional exchange. It’s a quid pro quo, where their generosity is a strategic move rather than a genuine offering.
You find yourself navigating a minefield of obligations, where the cost of their favors outweighs the benefits. It’s like being trapped in a game where the rules are stacked against you. You’re left questioning their motives, wondering if their friendship is genuine or just another transaction. It’s a toxic dynamic, one that leaves you feeling used rather than appreciated.
13. They Gaslight Your Feelings
You express how their actions made you feel, but they dismiss your emotions as overreactions or misunderstandings. It’s a subtle form of manipulation, where your feelings are invalidated under the guise of “helping” you see things. They twist the narrative, leaving you doubting your perceptions and emotions.
Every confrontation becomes a psychological chess match, where they deflect blame and turn the tables. You’re left questioning your reality, feeling guilty for even bringing it up. This emotional manipulation is insidious, eroding your self-confidence and sense of worth. It’s a toxic cycle, one that takes a toll on your mental health.
14. They Keep Score
For them, friendship is a ledger, where every favor, gift, or gesture is meticulously tallied. They remind you of every little thing they’ve done, expecting you to repay in kind, often with interest. It’s a transactional relationship, where generosity is a means to an end rather than an act of kindness.
You feel like you’re constantly in debt, where no amount of goodwill can balance the scales. Their need to keep score undermines the foundation of friendship, which should be built on trust and mutual respect. Instead, you’re left feeling like you’re in a never-ending competition, where genuine connection is eclipsed by an obsession with keeping tabs. It’s exhausting and, frankly, disheartening.
15. You’re Always Walking On Eggshells
Every interaction feels like you’re treading carefully, wary of setting them off or saying the wrong thing. They’re prone to overreacting, making mountains out of molehills, and you’re left in a constant state of anxiety. Their volatile reactions condition you to tiptoe around them, prioritizing their comfort over your peace of mind.
It’s a toxic dynamic, one that leaves you feeling drained and on edge. You’re constantly second-guessing yourself, wondering if you’re the problem. But the truth is, a healthy friendship shouldn’t feel like an emotional minefield. You deserve a relationship where you can be yourself, without the fear of triggering another crisis.
