13 Signs You’re Dealing With A Layby Guy

You met a great guy and hit it off with him in a big way but then things just sort of fizzled out. Months later, he texted you to say “hey” and you started chatting and flirting but he’s got a girlfriend now. He’s really unhappy in his relationship, though, and still has feelings for you. Wait, WTF? This guy’s known as a “layby.” Here’s what you need to know about laybys and how to spot if the guy you’re dating is one.

  1. He’s 50 shades of grey. He flirts with you and it seems like he means all the flattering things he says, but he never acts on them. Why? He’s still in a relationship and until he knows what’s happening with it or he gets the balls to leave it, he can’t totally show his interest in you. You’re basically left hanging, waiting for this guy. Messed up.
  2. He makes “payments” into the relationship. Even if he can’t properly date you (yet), he makes emotional payments into the relationship, similar to how you’ll put a pair of shoes on layby and just pay a deposit for them instead of the full amount until you can go back for them. He’ll spend lots of time with you or text you quite a bit, but there are always restrictions—he’ll never be able to invest in the relationship completely. He’s just trying to make you feel loved so that you’ll stick around.
  3. He makes you feel special. He doesn’t just compliment your eyes or how amazing you are, he confides in you about his relationship problems all the time. It feels like this is a way for you to bond, but honestly, it’s him playing a game and hoping you see him as an honest, trustworthy guy. If he were, he wouldn’t be confiding in some other woman while he’s in a relationship.
  4. He talks about the future, but… He’s quick to talk about an amazing future you’ll have together. There’s just a problem: he’s either married or already got a girlfriend and it seems like your whole life together depends on him ending that relationship. So then why doesn’t he do it? He shouldn’t be treating you like a stepping stone out of his relationship. You’re worth more than that.
  5. He gets upset when you date. There were times when you got sick and tired of waiting around for him, so you moved on. But that’s when he would sneakily resurface, expressing hurt that you’re dating someone else even though he made it clear that he couldn’t be with you. Hey, dude, you can’t have your cake and eat it too!
  6. He resurfaces every now and then. He’ll send you a text out of the blue, trying to keep you interested in him even though he hasn’t seen you for ages but he always has really good reasons for why he went AWOL and he always tells you how much you mean to him. He knows when to throw on the charm: when he feels you slipping away.
  7. He can’t be single. Take a look into his relationship history. If he’s hardly ever single, that should be ringing warning bells for you because laybys tend to be the type of people who prepare new romantic prospects while they’re still in relationships. This is to ensure a smooth transition from one relationship to the next without being alone or lonely after a breakup.
  8. He doesn’t chat on social media. Although he texts and calls, he won’t send you messages on social media. Perhaps he won’t even dare to connect with you on Facebook. The reason is simple: he doesn’t want his girlfriend or other women he’s dating to see your messages and realize he’s got more than one relationship going. Shady AF.
  9. It feels like micro-cheating sometimes. You can’t help but feel that sometimes it’s like the guy is cheating on his partner. He’s not dating you, per se, and it’s only a bit of harmless flirting sometimes, but is it really benign stuff that’s going on? He’s got intentions to be with you at some point in the future, which is just as bad as if he had to cheat with you now.
  10. You get the feeling there are others. It’s bad enough to know that the guy who’s so charming and interested in being with you has a girlfriend. It’s even worse to think that you might not be the only option he’s keeping warm on the sidelines for when he breaks up with said girlfriend. After all, what’s stopping him from doing that with other women?
  11. He texts all the time but doesn’t ask you out. He really enjoys chatting to you on Tinder or via text, but he never asks you out. What gives? He might not tell you that he already has a girlfriend, but that could be the reason why he can never make a real move on you. He wants to chat and flirt, but not date you because it’s too risky.
  12. He breadcrumbs you. “Laybying” is similar to breadcrumbing—this is when a guy will put in just enough effort to make you feel for him, but he never moves things forward. It’s so dodgy and makes you feel like he’s only giving you half of him. Screw that. You deserve a complete guy and satisfying relationship!
  13. He fools you with his “decent guy” act. He’s going through horrible issues with his girlfriend but he just can’t leave her because they have a kid together/she’s just lost a loved one/he doesn’t want to throw something good away so easily. Aww, shame. He seems like such a decent guy, but ask yourself: is he really? If he were so decent, wouldn’t he just be upfront and honest with his girlfriend? Exactly. If he’s “laybying” you, he could just be pretending to be Mr. Nice guy to get you to like him and have sympathy for him.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.
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