13 Stages Of The Worst Hangover Ever

We’ve all been there: waking up the morning (or early afternoon) after a big night out with the pounding headache, nausea, and ominous feeling of dread that comes with not remembering exactly what happening last night. Google “hangover cures” and you’ll find recipes for concoctions people swear by, but unfortunately, the only method that really works is a lot of water and a lot more sleep. If you’re lucky, you don’t have anywhere to be; if you’re not so lucky, then you’re in for a rough day.

  1. Waking up. It’s usually either a pounding headache or a particularly strong wave of nausea that will jar you from your glorious slumber. Even before you open your eyes, you wish you were still asleep and you didn’t have to begin what is sure to be an unpleasant day.
  2. Needing water immediately. Since you’ve spent the last few hours completely unconscious while the alcohol in your system dehydrates you within an inch of your life, you’re probably going to need to chug a couple glasses right away. Hopefully you were smart enough to leave a glass of water by your bed in anticipation of this very moment. If not, you’ll probably consider texting your roommate to bring you some water. You’d do it for her.
  3. Bathroom break. Unfortunately, your roommate can’t pee for you, so you’ll have to drag yourself to the bathroom at some point. Might want to take a plastic bag along just in case you need to puke while you pee. Better to be prepared.
  4. Seeing yourself in the mirror. Chances are, you didn’t even attempt to take off your makeup last night, so you probably have eyeliner smudged under your bloodshot eyes and lipstick smeared on your cheek. Your hair probably resembles an old tumbleweed, and all you can do is hope you didn’t look this scary in public.
  5. Hugging the toilet. Let’s face it — if this is the worse hangover ever, you’re probably puking at least once. There’s usually some kind of debate over whether you should help yourself along a little bit, but whether or not that happens, you’ll be experiencing everything you drank last night in the opposite direction from what was intended. Red wine is always the worst.
  6. Cancelling all plans. What were you thinking scheduling brunch with your aunt on a Sunday morning? The thought of sitting there listening to her talk about your cousin’s latest athletic achievement is enough to induce another round of vomiting. You’ll just have to tell her you have the flu.
  7. The mission for food. If you aren’t too nauseous, the next order of business is always finding some form of sustenance. You’re definitely too hungover to cook anything extensive, and since you cancelled on brunch, you’ll end up eating the other half of last night’s pizza that’s been sitting on the the kitchen counter all night, or offering your roommate $20 to go get you something from McDonald’s.
  8. Death sweats on the couch. You’re chugging Gatorade like it’s your job, but you can’t seem to stop sweating. The nausea comes in waves, so you’re wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, half watching a Keeping Up With the Kardashians marathon, half concentrating on not puking again.
  9. Mid-day nap. Now that you’ve replenished your fluids and electrolytes all you can manage to do is crawl back into bed and pray for sleep to allow you to skip the majority of this hangover.
  10. Uncovering clues from the night before. Once you start to get your strength back, you manage to dig through last night’s clutch and your pockets. You’ll find random things like half a $10 bill, a matchbook from a bar you’ve never heard of, and some guy’s business card. No matter how hard you concentrate, you can’t remember what that guy looks like or ever meeting him at all.
  11. Late afternoon text from guy you apparently made out with last night. You don’t even remember giving anyone your number, let alone making out with them. You scroll through Instagram and your memory is jogged by a photo your friend must have taken of you hugging some guy who is definitely not your type.
  12. Questioning your friends. “What happened last night?” is definitely a text that will be sent at some point. They’ll either have no idea, or give you the entire cringe-worthy play by play. You’ll probably wish you never asked.
  13. The vow to never drink again. We all moan at some point during terrible hangovers that we’ll never, under no circumstances, ever drink like that again. Next time you’ll set a limit of two beers, and you’ll stick to it! You choose to ignore the fact that you have said this before, and yet here you are.
By day, Courtney is a digital marketing copywriter living in Toronto, Canada. By night, she's a freelance lifestyle writer who, in addition to Bolde.com, contributes regularly to AmongMen.ca, IN Magazine, and SheBlogs Canada. Want to chat about relationships, Stephen King or your favorite true crime podcast/documentary/book? She's on Twitter @courtooo.