13 Things You Never Want to Hear During Sex

13 Things You Never Want to Hear During Sex ©iStock/nd3000

Some people like to whisper sweet-nothings during sex, some like dirty talk, and others like to hear nothing but the deep, ragged breaths of their partner. Whether you like to communicate or to enjoy the moment in utter silence (which could get kinda awkward, to be honest), there are certain things you never, ever want to hear during sex:

  1. “This is my first time.” While there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin, some of us are just not ready for the responsibilities that come with being someone’s first partner in bed. Between the added pressure, the million questions, and everything else that comes after, it’s a lot to digest. Besides, this is probably something you should have brought up BEFORE you decided to lose your virginity to us.
  2. “Is it in?” Women hate this line just as much as men do. While we’re not worrying about the size of our penises, we’re definitely worried if you’re not sure if you’re inside us. Either you have no idea what you’re doing or we’re doing something wrong. If you’re not feeling anything when we’re having sex, there’s a serious problem. Whatever the reason, it’s not good.
  3. “Who’s your daddy?” Why is this still being said? What year are you living in and why do guys think it’s sexy? There is no quicker way to get us out of the mood then to ask us this question. We don’t care how sexy your voice is, how sexy you are, or how big your penis is. The second this comes out of your mouth, you better be prepared to finish yourself.
  4. The ringtone for your mom. Why do moms always call at the most convenient times? While there’s nothing wrong with casual sex, it’s not exactly something you tend to discuss with your mother. Even though her calling you doesn’t mean she knows what you’re doing, you can’t help shake the feeling of judgment and the thought of disappointing your mom. Why does she always coincidentally call you when you’re getting lucky?
  5. “Are you close?” Well, if I was, I’m not anymore. Asking us if we’re close is equivalent to telling us to hurry the hell up. No one wants to be rushed and no one wants to worry that maybe the other person isn’t enjoying it.
  6. “My ex did this thing…” Never, ever bring up your ex when we’re having sex. There is no faster way to make us feel insecure. And honestly, there’s no easier way to make us never want to sleep with you again. The same way we don’t appreciate stories about your ex girlfriend when we’re on a date, we don’t want to hear about what she did with you in bed. In fact, we don’t want to picture you sleeping with anyone else. Period. If your ex was so great in bed, then maybe you should go sleep with her.
  7. “I saw this thing online once.” Whatever you saw on your most recent sex stream, we don’t want to know. We’d also appreciate it if you focused on us during sex and not be thinking about the girl from the last sex video you watched. Though we’re open to trying new things, whatever you saw online is probably not going to happen.
  8. “Can you suck my penis?” We’ll do it for you, no problem, but the second you ask us to do it, we don’t want to do it anymore. There’s something about a guy asking us to do it that makes us feel like this is what he’s after. If you deserve it, or we’re in the mood, we’ll do it. But please don’t ask us. Ever.
  9. “Can you get yourself off?” Of course we can, but why are you here if you’re not willing to help?
  10. The wrong name. Is there anything more insulting? You could at least get our name right. We don’t care if it was an accidental slip or if you actually don’t know our name. Whatever the case, if you called us the wrong name in bed, you’re in pretty big trouble.
  11. “I really hate condoms.” That’s nice. We really hate being pregnant when we’re not ready to have kids and getting STDs. Shall we continue?
  12. “I gotta go to the bathroom.” Couldn’t you have gone to the bathroom before we started? Are we supposed to just sit here naked, vulnerable and wildly aroused? Are we going to have to start from the beginning when you get back? Wait, how are you going to pee with a hard-on? Oh no. Are you doing a number two?
  13. “I can’t do this.” Um, excuse me? Why not? You brought us here, got us to this point, and now you can’t? We’re a little confused. Do you not like it? Did we do something wrong? Are you dating someone else? Are you tired? Do you have an STD? Are you not attracted to us? If you’re gonna pull a line like this during sex, you better have a damn good explanation.
Suzanne is a twenty something living in Toronto, Canada. When she doesn't have her professional pants on from 9-5, she is getting lost in a good book, a yoga class, or a tall glass of wine.
She has a severe case of the travel bug, a serious love affair with food and will never say no to puppy-sitting.