In the unpredictable theater of human relationships, conflict is the unscripted drama that nobody really wants but everyone encounters. We all have moments when we say or do exactly the wrong thing, leaving us looking like the emotional equivalent of a bull in a china shop. But with a little awareness and a dollop of insight, you can navigate these turbulent waters with grace instead of guffaws. Here are 13 things you should definitely avoid if you want to keep your emotional intelligence card in good standing.
1. Over-Text Your Emotions
Texting has become the default form of communication for many of us, but it’s a double-edged sword in conflict. It offers the safety of distance, but this distance often leads to misinterpretation. When you text your partner or friend during a tense moment, you strip away body language, tone, and nuance. A simple “fine” can be read as passive-aggressive or genuinely okay, leaving room for misunderstanding.
According to Dr. Albert Mehrabian, a pioneer in body language research, a huge percentage of communication is non-verbal. When you take away the voice and the face, you lose a lot. Instead of relying on texts during a conflict, opt for a phone call or a face-to-face conversation, where you can convey and sense emotions more accurately. Don’t let a misread text escalate into a full-blown argument.
2. Play The Blame Game
It’s human nature to point fingers when tensions rise, but assigning blame is a surefire way to escalate any conflict. Blame creates defensiveness, and defensiveness is the enemy of resolution. No one is truly listening when they’re busy constructing a counterargument in their head. The moment you start blaming, you lose the chance to understand the other side genuinely.
Instead of focusing on who’s at fault, try to steer the conversation towards how both sides can contribute to a solution. This is not about letting anyone off the hook; it’s about being solution-oriented rather than problem-focused. When the urge to blame creeps in, pause and pivot your language to express how the situation makes you feel. You’ll find that this can diffuse tension faster than you think.
3. Bring Up Ancient History
When you’re knee-deep in an argument, the temptation to haul out every past grievance and parade them like battle scars is strong. Don’t do it. Bringing up past conflicts that have supposedly been resolved is akin to ripping off a scab to show how deep the wound once was. Instead of moving forward, you’re anchored in the past, weighed down by a litany of “you always” and “you never.”
Resurfacing old issues makes the current conflict feel insurmountable. A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who bring up past conflicts during a disagreement are less likely to resolve their current issues. The past can easily become a weapon of mass destruction in an argument. Focus on the present conflict instead, and resist the urge to build a case with ancient artifacts.
4. Shut Down And Self-Isolate
We’ve all been there—words are being hurled like daggers, and your defense mechanism kicks in, urging you to shut down completely. Silence feels safe, like a fortress where hurtful words can’t penetrate. But this emotional stonewalling is a killer of genuine connection. When you put up a wall, you’re not just keeping hurtful words out; you’re keeping any chance of resolution at bay, too.
Shutting down often leaves the other person feeling unheard, frustrated, and more isolated than before. It sends the message that the relationship isn’t worth the effort or energy to engage. Instead of retreating into silence, express that you need a moment to collect your thoughts. This keeps the lines of communication open while giving you both space to cool down.
5. Resort To “Always” And “Never” Statements
There’s something about conflict that makes us reach for absolutes. Words like “always” and “never” slip off our tongues with dangerous ease. But these extremes are rarely true and serve only to corner your opponent into defensiveness. They transform what might be a forgivable mistake into a seemingly unfixable character flaw, and that’s a sticky trap.
Research by Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, shows that using absolutes in arguments is a quick way to escalate conflict and damage relationships. When you categorize someone’s actions in this way, you overlook the complexities of human behavior. It’s crucial to focus on the specific issue instead of painting the entire relationship with a broad, bleak brush. Say what you mean without the hyperbole; it’s more likely to be heard.
6. Ignore Your Own Triggers
Ever find yourself reacting to a situation with a level of intensity that even surprises you? That’s likely a sign of an emotional trigger being hit. We all have them—those unresolved issues or past experiences that make us hypersensitive to certain comments or situations. Ignoring these triggers doesn’t make them go away; it only gives them more power over you.
Being aware of your triggers allows you to navigate conflict with a clearer head. When you’re in the thick of it, pause and ask yourself why you’re reacting the way you are. Understanding this can help you communicate your feelings more effectively, preventing a molehill from turning into a mountain. Remember, being aware of your emotional landscape is not just for your benefit; it helps the other person understand you better, too.
7. Avoid The Apology
Saying “I’m sorry” can feel like swallowing a bitter pill, especially when we’re convinced we’re in the right. But avoiding an apology when it’s due is akin to pouring salt on a wound. The absence of these two simple words can prolong the conflict, turning a minor disagreement into an emotional marathon. A genuine apology is not about admitting defeat; it’s about valuing the other person and the relationship enough to take responsibility for your part.
According to a study published in the Negotiation and Conflict Management Research journal, apologies have been shown to facilitate conflict resolution and restore trust. By offering a sincere apology, you open the door to healing and understanding. It’s a small gesture with a huge impact. So, swallow your pride and recognize that the power of an apology lies in its ability to mend bridges, rather than burn them down.
8. Try To Win At All Costs
In the heat of the moment, it’s tempting to go all-out to win an argument. The thrill of victory can be intoxicating, turning the discussion into a warzone where the only objective is to emerge victorious. But here’s the cold, hard truth: in personal relationships, winning often means someone else is losing. And that someone is usually someone you care about.
When you’re focused solely on winning, you sacrifice understanding and connection. The relationship becomes collateral damage in a battle of wills. Instead, aim for a resolution that feels like a team win. That might mean compromising, but it also means you’re both leaving the conflict with your dignity and relationship intact.
9. Dismiss The Other Person’s Feelings
Nothing says “I don’t care” quite like brushing off someone’s feelings as irrational or excessive. It’s an emotional bulldozer that flattens any hope of arriving at mutual understanding. When you dismiss what someone else is going through, you’re essentially telling them that their perspective doesn’t matter. This will only fan the flames of resentment and resistance.
Even if you disagree with their emotions, acknowledging them is crucial. It’s the first step in defusing the tension and moving towards a resolution. Simply saying, “I can see you’re upset, and I want to understand why” can transform the dynamic dramatically. Remember, empathy is the currency that buys you goodwill in the bank of relationship harmony.
10. Assume Someone Can Read Your Mind
Assuming that someone knows exactly how you feel or what you’re thinking is a classic pitfall. It leads to the dangerous territory of unmet expectations and silent resentments. No one, not even those closest to us, can read minds. When you expect them to, you’re setting the stage for disappointment and drama.
Speak up and articulate your needs and feelings clearly. It’s not just about being heard; it’s about giving the other person the chance to respond appropriately. Silence isn’t golden in an argument; it’s a breeding ground for misunderstanding. Be transparent in your communication and watch as clarity and understanding pave the way for resolution.
11. Use Sarcasm As A Weapon
Ah, sarcasm—the sharp, witty tool in the toolbox of communication that often feels so satisfying to wield. But in the volatile landscape of conflict, sarcasm is more of a grenade than a scalpel. It belittles and batters, adding layers of hurt to an already fraught situation. The target of your sarcasm often feels not only insulted but dismissed, which only serves to heighten tensions.
Sarcasm positions you as the superior, wiser party, and that’s never a good look. It stifles genuine dialogue and keeps both parties entrenched in their respective corners. If you’re tempted to let a sarcastic comment fly, pause and consider the impact. Opt for honesty and empathy, which pave the way for real progress rather than a cutting one-liner.
12. Crowdsource Your Conflict
It’s tempting to run to your friends or social media to air out grievances and gather opinions in the heat of a fight. While it might validate your perspective momentarily, involving others can complicate things. Suddenly, you have an audience, and that changes the dynamic and the stakes of your conflict. It transforms a personal issue into a public spectacle.
Additionally, involving others often leads to biased advice that might not be in the best interest of resolving the conflict. The more people involved, the harder it becomes to reach an authentic resolution. Keep it between the people directly involved, and resist the urge to seek outside validation. It’s your conflict, your relationship, and ultimately, your responsibility to navigate and resolve.
13. Talk Over Someone Instead Of Listening
In the cacophony of conflict, listening often becomes the first casualty. We become so focused on articulating our point of view that we forget the other person’s perspective. Listening is not just about hearing words; it’s about understanding the heart behind them. When you listen, you validate the other person’s feelings and invite them to do the same for you.
Active listening transforms conflict from a battle to be won into a dialogue to be shared. Instead of preparing your rebuttal, focus fully on what is being said. Repeat back what you’ve heard to ensure you’ve understood it correctly. This simple act can defuse tension and build bridges, turning conflict into a constructive conversation.
