Some so-called “compliments” are actually thinly veiled insults, microaggressions, or just plain rude. They may be well-intentioned, but they often reveal underlying biases or judgments that can leave the recipient feeling slighted. Just because something is phrased as a compliment doesn’t mean it lands that way. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of one of these 14 backhanded praises, you know how irksome they can be.
1. “You’re pretty smart for a [insert marginalized group].”
This “compliment” is a textbook microaggression. It implies that intelligence is unexpected or unusual for members of the mentioned group. Whether it’s based on gender, race, age, or any other characteristic, this statement reinforces harmful stereotypes. True compliments celebrate a person’s abilities, without underhanded comparisons. Praise someone’s intellect without the qualifier, and examine your own biases.
2. “You look great for your age.”
Newsflash: people don’t have an expiration date on attractiveness. This “compliment” carries the underlying assumption that looking good past a certain age is remarkable or unexpected. It’s a backhanded way of saying, “Wow, I thought you’d look worse by now.” A genuine compliment would simply be “You look great” without the unnecessary age qualifier. Appreciate people’s beauty without making them feel like they’re on borrowed time.
3. “You’ve lost weight! You look amazing.”
This one is tricky because it’s often said with good intentions, but it can carry a lot of problematic implications. First, it assumes that losing weight automatically equals looking better, which reinforces harmful beauty standards. Second, it can be triggering for people with body image issues or eating disorders. You never know someone’s relationship with their weight. If you want to compliment someone’s appearance, find something specific that doesn’t revolve around their size.
4. “You’re so brave for wearing that.”
This “compliment” is usually directed at people who wear clothing that doesn’t conform to traditional beauty standards or gender norms. While intended to be supportive, it implies that their fashion choices are inherently risky or controversial. It others them and makes them feel like they’re on display. True body positivity means accepting all fashion choices as valid without making a big deal out of it, Verywell Mind explains. Compliment the outfit, not the perceived “bravery” of wearing it.
5. “You’re not like other girls/guys.”
This one is a classic pick-up artist neg masquerading as a compliment. It puts down an entire gender to supposedly elevate the person. But here’s the thing: there’s nothing wrong with being like other girls/guys. Insinuating that someone is superior to their entire gender is not flattering, it’s insulting. Appreciate people for their unique qualities without throwing everyone else under the bus.
6. “You’re so articulate.”
On the surface, this seems like a nice thing to say. But context matters. When said to people of color, particularly Black people, it carries a racist undertone. It implies that being well-spoken is somehow remarkable or unexpected for members of that race. It’s a microaggression that reveals underlying biases about intelligence and race. If you’re impressed by someone’s communication skills, compliment them without the racial baggage.
7. “Your English is so good!”
This “compliment” is often directed at people with foreign accents or non-Western names. While intended to be friendly, it presumes incompetence and makes the person feel like an outsider in their own country. You wouldn’t “compliment” a native-born person on their English skills. Don’t make assumptions about someone’s language abilities based on superficial characteristics.
8. “You clean up nicely!”
Talk about a backhanded compliment. Embedded in this statement is the assumption that the person usually looks unkempt or sloppy. It’s like saying, “Wow, I didn’t think you could look this decent.” A real compliment would simply be “You look great” without the implication that it’s a rare occurrence. Don’t make people feel like they have to meet your arbitrary standards of presentability.
9. “You’re so confident for a plus-size person.”
This one is problematic on multiple levels. First, it reinforces the harmful notion that confidence is antithetical to being plus-size. Second, it reduces the person to their body type and implies that their self-assurance is remarkable because of it. Confidence is not contingent on dress size. Applaud someone’s self-esteem without qualifiers or caveats.
10. “You’re too pretty to be single.”
This one reeks of outdated gender roles and heteronormativity. It implies that a person’s worth is dependent on their relationship status, and that attractive people are somehow failing if they’re single. It reduces them to their looks and presumes that partnership is the ultimate goal. Compliment someone’s appearance without the regressive social commentary. Being single is not a character flaw.
11. “For a mom, you’ve still got it going on.”
Newsflash: moms are not a separate species. This “compliment” presumes that motherhood is inherently unsexy and that maintaining attractiveness post-kids is a remarkable feat. It reduces women to their reproductive status and perpetuates stereotypes. Appreciate mothers as whole people, not just in relation to their parental role. And maybe examine why you’re surprised that moms can still be alluring.
12. “Your name is so exotic.”
This one is often directed at people of color with non-Western names. While intended as a compliment, it makes a person feel ostracized and implies that their name is foreign or strange. It’s a microaggression that makes them feel like an outsider in their own culture, NPR notes. If you like someone’s name, just say “I like your name” without the loaded language. And don’t make assumptions about someone’s background based on their moniker.
13. “You’re not like other gay people.”
This backhanded flattery is steeped in homophobia. It suggests that being different from stereotypical representations of queerness is somehow superior or more acceptable. It’s like saying, “I like you because you’re not too gay.” Genuine LGBTQ+ allyship means accepting the full spectrum of queer expression without qualifiers. Appreciate someone’s individuality without throwing their entire community under the bus.
14. “You’re so strong for sharing your trauma.”
While this one comes from a place of compassion, it can unintentionally minimize the person’s experience. Labeling them as strong implies that their trauma is something to be overcome rather than an integral part of their story. It can make them feel pressure to put on a brave face or perform resilience. A more supportive response is to simply listen and validate their emotions without imposing labels. Everyone processes trauma differently.
