Nobody likes to think of themselves as selfish. We all want to believe we’re good partners who contribute equally to our relationships. But sometimes we need to take a hard look in the mirror and check ourselves. If you’re wondering whether you might be the selfish one in your relationship, here are some signs that might hit a little too close to home. Don’t worry—recognition is the first step to doing better.
1. You Can’t Handle Not Being the Priority
Every time your partner focuses on something or someone else, you get visibly annoyed or find ways to redirect their attention back to you. When they’re on the phone with family, you suddenly need their immediate help with something trivial. If they’re enjoying a hobby, you make comments about how much time it takes away from you. You create small emergencies or start arguments when they’re paying attention to work, friends, or even their own self-care activities. You might even get jealous of the time they spend with their own children from a previous relationship. Your need to be the constant center of their universe makes it impossible for them to maintain healthy relationships with others or pursue their own interests.
2. You Turn Every Conversation Back to Yourself
Let’s talk about that thing where your partner starts telling you about their rough day, and somehow you end up talking about your own experiences instead. You might think you’re relating or showing empathy, but really, you’re hijacking their moment to make it about you. Your partner can barely get through a story without you jumping in with “That reminds me of when I…” or “That’s just like what happened to me…” Sometimes you even catch yourself getting impatient while they’re talking, just waiting for your turn to speak. You probably don’t even realize how often your partner’s experiences get overshadowed by your own stories.
3. You Have Convenient Amnesia About Their Preferences
Despite being together for ages, you consistently “forget” things that matter to your partner but don’t interest you. You keep buying them foods they’ve repeatedly said they dislike, planning activities they’ve explained make them uncomfortable, or ignoring their clearly stated boundaries. When called out, you act like it’s unreasonable for them to expect you to remember these things. You somehow manage to remember every detail of things that matter to you, but their preferences mysteriously slip your mind.
4. You’re Only Generous When There’s Something in It for You
Your grand gestures and acts of kindness always come with strings attached. You buy expensive gifts right before asking for a big favor, or you’re extra nice when you want something specific from your partner. The moment they decline your requests, your generosity mysteriously disappears. You keep mental tallies of everything you’ve done for them and expect immediate returns on your “investment.” Even your compliments feel calculated, usually leading up to you asking for something or trying to get out of trouble.
5. You Make Unilateral Decisions About Shared Things
You regularly make decisions that affect both of you without bothering to consult your partner first. You’ll commit to plans with friends on shared date nights, make significant purchases with joint money, or decide how to spend holidays without discussion. When your partner expresses frustration about being left out of decisions, you dismiss their concerns with “I knew you’d be fine with it” or “It’s not a big deal.” You treat joint resources—whether time, money, or energy—as if they’re exclusively yours to allocate.
6. You’re a Time Zone of One
Your schedule is the only one that matters in your relationship. You’re consistently late to things that are important to your partner because your activities run long. When they need to adjust plans for work or family obligations, you act put out and make passive-aggressive comments. You expect them to be available whenever you want to talk or hang out, but you’re rarely available when they need you. Your time is precious, but theirs is apparently infinitely flexible.
7. You’re Always Right, Even When You’re Wrong
Admitting mistakes is practically impossible for you because your ego can’t handle being wrong. When your partner brings up valid concerns about your behavior, you immediately deflect, defend, or turn it around on them. You’ve mastered the art of twisting situations to make yourself look like the victim, even when you’re clearly in the wrong. Every argument ends with your partner apologizing, even when you’re the one who messed up. You’d rather damage your relationship than admit you made a mistake or hurt your partner’s feelings.
8. Your Emotions Are Valid, Theirs Are “Dramatic”
When you’re upset, you expect your partner to drop everything and comfort you, but when they’re emotional, you dismiss them as being “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” You can vent for hours about your bad day, but you get impatient after five minutes of listening to their problems. Their tears are “manipulative,” but yours are justified. You often find yourself saying things like “You always make such a big deal out of nothing” while expecting endless patience and understanding for your own emotional needs.
9. You Control the Relationship’s Pace
Every major decision in your relationship happens on your timeline, not when you’re both ready. You decided when to make things official, when to say “I love you,” and when to move in together—all based solely on your comfort level. If your partner wants to take things slower, you get pushy or manipulative. If they want to move faster in areas where you’re not ready, you shut down the conversation completely. Your partner’s readiness for relationship milestones only matters when it aligns with what you want.
10. You Never Make Space for Their Growth
Any time your partner tries to improve themselves or pursue new interests, you find ways to subtly sabotage their efforts. You make discouraging comments about their goals, point out potential failures before they even start, or create obstacles that make it harder for them to succeed. When they’re excited about a new opportunity, you immediately point out all the ways it might inconvenience you. You claim to support their dreams, but your actions consistently show that you only support growth that doesn’t disrupt your comfort or require you to adjust.
11. You’re a Fair-Weather Partner
You’re all in when things are good and easy, but the moment your partner really needs support through tough times, you become mysteriously unavailable. When they’re sick, you do the bare minimum or act put out by having to care for them. During their career struggles or family crises, you’re suddenly “too busy” or “too stressed” to provide emotional support. You expect them to be your rock during hard times, but you’re nowhere to be found when they need the same level of support.
12. Your Apologies Are Empty Performances
When you do apologize (rarely), it’s clearly just to end the argument rather than show genuine remorse. You rush through apologies with an irritated tone, immediately follow them with “but” statements, or get angry if your partner doesn’t accept your apology instantly. The words “I’m sorry” come out of your mouth, but your actions show zero intention of actually changing the behavior you’re apologizing for. You often find yourself apologizing for the same things repeatedly because you never really meant to change in the first place.
13. You Weaponize Their Vulnerabilities
You store away your partner’s insecurities, fears, and vulnerable moments like ammunition for future conflicts. During arguments, you deliberately bring up things they’ve shared in confidence, using their deepest fears against them. You know exactly which buttons to push to hurt them most effectively when you’re angry. Sometimes you make “jokes” about their insecurities in front of others, then accuse them of being too sensitive when they get upset. You use their trust in you as a weapon against them when it serves your purposes.
14. The Relationship Only Works When It Works for You
The entire relationship seems to operate around your moods, needs, and preferences. When you’re happy, everyone’s allowed to be happy; when you’re upset, everyone has to be upset too. You expect your partner to match your energy when you’re excited about something, but you check out completely when they’re excited about things that don’t interest you. The relationship feels more like a one-person show with a supporting actor than a true partnership. Your partner often feels like they’re walking on eggshells, trying to maintain whatever emotional state keeps you satisfied.
