Remember when you were younger and had your heart broken and your mom tried to make it better by feeding you terrible, straight up BS love cliches? It feels like we’ve been told and have repeated this garbage forever, and we bought it all hook, line and sinker. I’d like to examine these ridiculous phrases and translate them to fit the modern dating scene.
It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I call BS. Losing someone sucks, especially when you’ve invested so much time and energy into the relationship. This should say: It’s better to stay off Tinder, avoid guys who ghost, and drink wine instead.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. No, absence makes you horny. Missing someone is great if it’s temporary, but over long periods of time, it’s a serious downer. This should say: Absence makes you overuse your vibrator.
Time heals all wounds. OK, so maybe time contributes, but I really think this should say: Wine heals all wounds.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. I don’t eat seafood or weird vegetables so… no thanks. This should say: There are plenty of douchebags in [insert your city here].
Love comes when you least expect it. This is all a matter of perspective, really. If you’ve been trolling dating websites forever, then you kind of expect to find love eventually. This should say: Love comes when guys grow the hell up and stop asking me over for “Netflix and chill.”
Love is blind. No, it’s definitely not. If love were blind, men would stop swiping left. This should definitely say: Men are shallow, drink wine instead.
It was love at fist sight. There’s absolutely no such thing as love at first sight. There is lust at first sight. This should say: I wanted to bone you from the moment I saw you. Oh, and then I discovered you were kind of cool, too.
Love is patient. Wrong! Have you met a woman waiting on her engagement ring? Patience is not a virtue she possesses! This should say: Love makes you an absolute lunatic.
Love means never having to say sorry. This one literally makes me LOL. What would happen if your man messed up and didn’t apologize? Oh, right — you’d lose your mind. This should say: Love means apologizing when you mess up, and sometimes even if you didn’t do it and you don’t really mean it but want to keep the peace.
Love is kind. Clearly the person who penned this one has never been caught cheating. This should say: I’m really nice… until you make me cry, cheat on me, look at me the wrong way, forget to tell me I’m beautiful, check out that other girl, or generally just act like a losers.
Opposites Attract. Attraction has nothing to do with being similar or different. Attraction these days is based off of a few pictures on OKCupid or Tinder. This should probably read: Scantily clad women taking stupid selfies get dates.
All’s fair in love and war. First of all, love is war sometimes, as much as we hate it. Second of all, nothing is fair in life, so this one is just stupid. This should say: All’s fair when you just shut up and tell me I’m right.
If you can’t love me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best. I support dealing with one another when times get tough, but this one is basically an excuse to be a lunatic. This should say: If you can’t put up with my crazy, then perhaps we shouldn’t see one another any longer.
Everything happens for a reason. Sure, things happen for reasons. Usually those reasons are one or both people messed up, there was crying, yelling, and all around drama. This should for sure say: We broke up because you suck.
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