14 Reasons You Shouldn’t Play It Cool

It seems we’re always taught to “play it cool” when it comes to dating. Don’t let him think that you’re too interested, too available, or that you have real human emotions, right? Wrong. Acting is for job interviews, not relationships.

  1. When you hold back too much, you become inauthentic. Taking a long time to text him because you were “busy” is BS. Were you really busy or were you just afraid of seeming too available? Be genuine and if you want to get in touch, do it. After all, authenticity is hot.
  2. It’s a total turn-off. Trying to come across as laid-back and chill could seriously backfire. In fact, you could be sending off vibes that you’re aloof, flakey, or even cold. Nobody wants that. If nothing else, he’ll sense that you aren’t quite being yourself, which is a huge turn-off in itself.
  3. He could get the wrong message. Sometimes playing it cool can come off as being disinterested entirely. He might think that you’re just not that into him or even that you’re using him as a distraction while you wait for something better. He’ll get tired of feeling that way and move on, and who could blame him?
  4. It leads to game playing. Playing it cool is game playing by definition. If you do this, he’ll likely start playing along. Then you just end up in a frustrating game of who can keep it up the longest. Plus, how can you get to know each other if neither of you is being sincere?
  5. You’ll attract the wrong type of guy. You know who likes playing games and avoiding emotional intimacy? A guy who’s only looking for a casual hookup. You’re sending off the message that you’re totally fine with that because you’re not all that interested anyway and you’re certainly not emotionally invested.
  6. He could fall for the person you’re pretending to be. On the other hand, maybe he’s a good guy that just really likes chill girls. If that’s not you, that’s totally fine, but don’t act that way just to get the guy. He’ll eventually find out your true personality and will feel misled. Instead, go after guys who like you the way you are. That gives you way more potential for something real.
  7. It’s exhausting and impossible to keep up long-term. Sure, being vulnerable can be scary and hard for a minute or two but you find out quickly if it’s reciprocated or not. If he feels the same way, great; if not, you can quickly move on. But playing games is a constant and ongoing job that is way more difficult and frustrating in the long run.
  8. It’s immature. Playing hard to get is something we learn in high school, and maybe this even worked back then. However, this was back when status was more important than forming real, emotional connections. Grown, mature men will not respond as well to this tactic.
  9. It’s a sign of insecurity. Playing it cool is a way to hide your true self. Maybe you’re afraid that you won’t come off as interesting or cool enough. Instead of acting and trying to fake it, work on yourself. Take up some hobbies and work on your self-esteem until you realize that guys will like you for being your real self.
  10. Vulnerability leads to emotional intimacy. Something as simple as saying, “I like you,” or even talking about something personal can help pave the way to deeper connection. When one person shares a bit of themselves, the other is generally inclined to feel more comfortable and do the same. This doesn’t happen when people are playing games.
  11. Men aren’t as good at picking up on subtle cues. If your goal is to play it cool but drop hints that you’re into him, it probably won’t work. He’ll just think you’re not interested in him. You’re going to have to be a bit more obvious and deliberate if you want him to pick up on how you’re really feeling. This way, if it doesn’t work out, you won’t be left wondering if things could have been different if you’d just been yourself.
  12. Do you really want a guy to chase you? It looks cool in the movies but in reality, the men who chase after women who are hard to get are either desperate or don’t respect your boundaries. On the other hand, he could be the type of guy who is only after the thrill of the chase. He’ll lose interest as soon as you reciprocate.
  13. Research says you shouldn’t. One study found that while women were more attracted to “cool” men, men were more attracted to responsive women. In other words, they were interested in women who showed that they cared. So be open and honest if you want the guy. It’s science.
  14. This doesn’t mean you should be clingy. While you shouldn’t be inauthentic, there’s a fine line between showing your true feelings and being clingy. If you feel yourself coming off as too attached and insecure, don’t “play” it cool. Instead, be real with yourself. Look inwards and try to figure out why you’re acting this way. Maybe, you’re just not ready for a relationship.
Danielle is a world-traveler based in San Diego, California. She loves hiking, yoga, classic movies, and sharing her adventures on her blog shepowersthrough.com