14 Things That Make Online Dating Miserable

14 Things That Make Online Dating Miserable ©iStock/Geber86

Remember the old days when you had to actually make face to face contact with a potential suitor and your conversations consisted of more than “lol” “ttys” and “dtf”? Thank you internet for ruining dating. Here are the 14 most annoying things about online dating, although there are probably at least 1,000:

  1. Accidentally swiping left when you meant to swipe right. Now this extremely hot person you know nothing about, but was most definitely your soul mate, is gone and lost forever because you have gotten way too quick with your swiper…yet somehow those you intentionally swiped left to keep coming back. They are like the human equivalent of unsubscribing from an email. Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Are you absolutely sure you want to unsubscribe? We are just going to send you 8 more emails making sure this is what you really want. UN-SUB-SCRIBE!!!!
  2. Accidentally swiping right when you obviously meant to swipe left. Now this extremely hideous person you know nothing about, but is most definitely not your soul mate, thinks that you love them…or at least find them remotely attractive. The only thing more insensitive than judging someone based solely on their looks is telling them “oops, I had the drunk goggles on last night, goodbye!”
  3. Running out of people to swipe.You know you’ve been spending way too much time swiping when all that’s left is your face in the middle of a satellite and the somber message “There’s no one new around you” AKA “You are going to die alone.”
  4. Too many options.You thought that guy was cute, but this next guy is even cuter, and the guy after him is… well you get the point. You never believed the “Bachelor” BS of falling for 25 different people at the same time, but clearly you were wrong. Too bad group dates don’t work in the real world.
  5. Dishonesty.He’s not 32, he’s 45. His picture, however, is from when he was 27. When you meet for coffee you notice he has a lot less hair on his head and a lot more everywhere else… but at least it’s kind of covering that extra 100 pounds he packed on between the time he posted his profile a few weeks ago and now. And if his first words to you are “never married/no kids” without being prompted, thou doth protest too much.
  6. Unwanted sexting.He says he isn’t just looking for a hookup and you think, “Finally!”, but as soon as you give him your number he’s already sending you penis pics.
  7. Nowhere left to go. You have like three acceptable first date spots within walking distance to your house and since you’ve been frequenting them with a different guy each night, you’re starting to look less like the queen of match.com and more like “Pretty Woman.”
  8. Radio silence from your matches.You like each other and he can’t think of ONE word to say to get a conversation going???
  9. One word messages.He says “hey” and then expects you to do all the work. If one word is all he can muster, he’ll probably expect you to do all the work in other areas of your pseudo relationship as well.
  10. Distance.Every single one of your matches seems to be in town for just a couple of days for a bachelor party. Does anyone actually live in this town anymore? Is it time to relocate?
  11. Shameless self-promotion.There’s a very thin line between selling yourself as someone’s potential dream date, and looking like the self-involved narcissistic maniac that you are. Don’t forget to include your height while you’re babbling on and on about how fun and awesome you are, or you just might end up on a date with a manlet who gets mad at you for being freakishly tall (5’5”).
  12. Goodbye anonymity.Remember when you could just meet someone at a bar and they didn’t already know every single thing about you? Thanks Hinge for using our full names to assist in our potential mates google stalking. And how unfortunate that we have 14 mutual friends for him to grill about our past, present, and future mad when we were planning on surprising him with all of that.
  13. No transparency. You had the most amazing first date ever. And second. And third. You’re already writing your name with his last name because you know that’s how you will be signing it one day. You log in just to see if he’s logged in but now he can see that you have. But he was probably just logging in to see if you logged in so you log in again. Now it looks like you can’t stay away! Where is the privacy these days???
  14. Being on the wrong one. You’re on Tinder, Hinge, Ok Cupid, and have a free one month subscription to Match. Sucks for you, because the love of your life is on Farmers Only, only.
Rachael is an award winning stand-up comedienne, freelance writer, and BravoTV superfan. Her Real Housewives tagline is “The only thing bigger than my boobs are my personalities.” In her spare time, she keeps busy catering to the needs of a very spoiled Siberian Husky, (Paris Hilton), cleaning the skeletons out of her closet (to make room for more shoes), and swiping left to everyone on Tinder. Follow her on twitter @therealplandd.