Parenting adult kids is a delicate dance. You want to stay involved but not overstep, support them without smothering them. It’s a tough balance to strike, and sometimes, well-meaning actions can backfire. If you want your grown children to feel close to you and keep coming back, there are a few things you should avoid doing. Here are some tips to keep that bond strong and genuine.
1. Don’t guilt-trip them
Throwing around phrases like, “You never call anymore” or “I guess you’re too busy for your parents” may seem harmless, but trust us, it’s not. Sure, it might make them pick up the phone, but it won’t be on their own volition—it’s out of obligation. And that’s not what you want. Let them reach out because they want to, not because they feel they have to.
2. Stop criticizing their life choices
Remember, your adult kids are out there making their own decisions—some good, some questionable, just like you did. Criticizing their career moves, relationships, or lifestyle choices only just makes them feel alienated. If they feel judged every time they talk to you, they’ll start calling less. Practice listening without adding your two cents unless they ask for it. Support goes way further than unsolicited advice.
3. Leave their romantic relationships alone
We get it. You want what’s best for them, but meddling in their romantic life is a one-way ticket to being excommunicated. Even if you’re not a fan of their partner, keep your opinions in check unless asked. Interfering puts them on the defensive and can make them choose sides. Show respect for their choices, and they’ll be more likely to include you in their life.
4. Don’t expect daily check-ins
Life is busy, especially when your kids are juggling work, relationships, and their own little ones. Expecting them to call or text every day is setting yourself up for disappointment. Instead, just look forward to the moments they do reach out, and let them know you’re always happy to hear from them. A simple, “I love catching up with you” is more welcoming than, “Why haven’t you called?”
5. Stop bringing up past mistakes
Nobody wants their slip-ups thrown back at them, especially when it’s been years since. If you’re still bringing up that one time they flunked a college course or dated that person you didn’t like, stop. Let bygones be bygones. They remember their mistakes well enough without your reminders. Focus on the present and who they’ve become, not who they were back then.
6. Don’t compare them to others
Comparing your adult child to their sibling or someone else’s kid might seem like motivation, but it stings more than you think. Comments like, “Your brother always does XYZ” only breed resentment. Your children are unique individuals with their own paths. Celebrate what makes them special instead of measuring them against others. Trust me, they’ll feel more understood and valued.
7. Respect their parenting choices
When your kids become parents, the urge to step in and share your “tried and true” wisdom can be strong. But unless they ask, you need to take a backseat. They’re figuring things out just like you did, and unsolicited advice can feel like judgment. Trust that they’ll come to you when they need support. The more you respect their boundaries, the more they’ll trust you as a confidant.
8. Don’t make them choose between you and their partner
Once they’re in a committed relationship, their partner is their primary person—that’s just the reality. Expecting them to put you before their partner can make you the bad guy in their eyes. Instead, show that you respect and value their relationship. It makes them want to include you more, not less. After all, relationships thrive on inclusivity, not competition.
9. Avoid being passive-aggressive
Phrases like, “I guess you’re too busy for me these days” might seem light, but they carry weight. Passive-aggressiveness makes your kids feel on edge and may even drive them to talk to you less. If you’re feeling neglected, be honest but kind: “I miss you, let’s catch up soon.” This approach opens the door for connection rather than closing it with guilt.
10. Don’t rely on them for emotional support
ShutterstockYour grown children love you, but they’re not your emotional crutch. Venting about your problems or leaning too heavily on them for support can feel overwhelming for them. It’s great to share parts of your life, but remember to keep boundaries. Balance your emotional sharing with friends, hobbies, or professional help when needed. A healthy relationship is built on mutual support, not dependence.
11. Respect their boundaries
Just because they’re your kids doesn’t mean they owe you unlimited access to their time and life. If they set a boundary, listen and respect it. Whether it’s about how often they visit or how much they share, overstepping can create distance. Show that you understand and honor their limits, and they’ll trust you enough to keep you close.
12. Stop trying to control their choices
Guidance is great when asked for, but control? Not so much. Trying to steer their decisions—whether about their career, finances, or personal life—sends the message that you don’t trust their judgment. If they feel micromanaged, they’ll start shutting you out. Let them make their own choices, even if you’d do it differently.
13. Don’t assume they’re always available
Your adult children have packed schedules, just like you once did. Assuming they can drop everything for you without notice isn’t fair. Plan get-togethers in advance and be understanding if they can’t make it sometimes. Valuing their time shows that you respect their busy life, which makes them more inclined to carve out time for you in the future.
14. Learn to say sorry
Being a parent doesn’t mean you’re infallible. If you’ve hurt them or made a mistake, you need to make them a sincere apology. Saying “I’m sorry” isn’t just for their benefit—it shows them you value the relationship enough to admit when you’re wrong. It builds trust and reminds them that they can come to you, flaws and all, without fear of judgment.
This content was created by a real person with the assistance of AI.
