My ex is absolutely gorgeous — he looks like Channing Tatum, with blue eyes and muscles to match. He’s fun, sweet, athletic, and loves to travel. He sounds perfect, right? No way. My ex is an absolute weirdo who showed his true colors when we finally broke up. When we were together, he was always a little controlling and extremely jealous, but I was convinced I loved him and that he would come around. I should have seen the signs earlier, because the crap he pulled after we split is legendary and will make your ex look like a saint.
- The night we broke up, he threatened to open all of our doors and let my indoor cats out. What my poor cats have to do with this, I don’t know. That would be animal cruelty, jerk!
- He created a fake email address with my first name and his last name and wrote emails to himself “from me,” but would CC real me on the email. WTF? If that doesn’t scream insanity, I don’t know what does.
- He tried to take my dog! I had my dog before we even met, so it wasn’t our dog — she’s just mine, and he tried to take her from me (after threatening to leave her outside and let her go free). What a douchebag.
- He left my favorite flower outside my new place — TWICE! — and texted me to tell me that he knew I hadn’t come home because the flower was still outside. I left the flower there on purpose, duh. Stalker, much?
- He bought my pets Christmas presents from “Daddy.” Meanwhile, my dog is like, Daddy who?
- He broke into my phone service account, found my new boyfriend’s phone number, and texted him to try to convince him that I was cheating with my ex. (It didn’t work — I’m still with him four years later.)
- He sent me sad breakup movies on DVD from Amazon. The Break-Up was probably my favorite… they break up and move on with their lives, so maybe we could do that too, please?!
- He drove by my house every night for a month to see if I was home. I was, I saw him, and I pretended to be out when he broke into my back porch, tried to get into my house, and then threw rocks at my window.
- He wrote my mom a letter and texted her tell her every crappy thing he thought I ever did during our relationship. I’m SO sorry, Mom.
- He showed up at my house when I had another guy over and rang the doorbell for an hour in the middle of the night. I lived in a townhouse, so my neighbors literally heard every ring and every knock. Awesome.
- He made me a mix CD with every single song we had ever talked about. 45 songs later, the last song was Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Getting Back Together”… Cool, so if we’re not getting back together, then go away!
- He tried to buy a house six doors down from me. He wasn’t approved, thank goodness, but that’s just effing mad.
- He threatened to report me to my zero-tolerance job for doing and selling drugs because our roommate had been doing that. I get that break-ups make people mad, but ruining my career is a bit hefty, no?!?
- A year after we broke up, he had his new girl show up at my birthday dinner and take pictures of my new boyfriend. Of course, I didn’t realize this “friend” of my BFF’s was banging my ex. The next day, my ex emailed me to tell me how ugly my new guy was. This one is SO mad, I literally can’t even process it.
So, the next time your ex does something nuts, please remember how much crazier mine is! Has your ex done anything like this? Let me know in the comments below and maybe we can hook them up as BFFs?