Let’s talk about something that’s not exactly rainbows and glitter, but super important: the habits of people who are secretly miserable in life. You know the type—they might seem fine on the surface, but deep down, they’re struggling. Maybe you’ve noticed these habits in someone you know, or (let’s be real) maybe you’ve spotted a few in yourself. Don’t worry, we’re not here to judge. We’re here to shed some light on these happiness-sucking habits so we can nip them in the bud.
1. They Complain
Too hot, too cold, too loud, too quiet—nothing is ever just right in their world. They’ve got a gripe for every occasion and they’re not afraid to share it. The irony is, that they often think they’re just being “honest” or “telling it like it is.” But in reality, they’re creating a cloud of negativity that follows them wherever they go. This habit often pushes away the very people who could potentially help or support them. After all, who wants to hang around someone who’s always raining on the parade?
2. They Bottle Their Emotions
Secretly miserable have bought into the myth that strong people don’t show emotions, so they stuff them down, plaster on a smile, and pretend everything’s fine. They’re the kings and queens of “I’m fine” when they’re anything but. By not allowing themselves to feel and process their emotions in a healthy way, they’re setting themselves up for bigger problems down the line. Repressed emotions don’t just disappear—they pop up in other ways, like physical health problems, outbursts of anger, or numbing behaviors like overeating or excessive drinking.
3. They Dodge Responsibility
Forgot to pay a bill? Must’ve gotten lost in the mail. Missed a deadline? Their computer mysteriously crashed. Late to a meeting? Traffic was a nightmare (even though they live 10 minutes away). This habit is particularly destructive because it keeps them stuck in a perpetual state of victimhood. In their mind, life is something that happens to them, not something they actively participate in. They’re always at the mercy of external forces, never in control. The sad irony is that by refusing to take responsibility, they’re giving away their power to change their circumstances.
4. They’re Addicted to Approval
Miserable people will bend over backward to please others, often at the expense of their own needs and values. Got a new haircut? They’ll ask everyone what they think. Made a decision? They’ll poll their entire friend group for approval. This habit stems from deep-seated insecurity and a lack of self-trust. They don’t believe in their own judgment, so they outsource their decision-making and self-worth to others. The problem is, no matter how much approval they get, it’s never enough to fill the void inside. Plus, by constantly seeking external validation, they often end up losing respect—both from others and from themselves.
5. They Have Unrealistic Expectations
Secretly miserable people build elaborate castles in the air, setting themselves up for disappointment time and time again. They expect their job to always be fulfilling, their partner to always understand them, and their kids to always behave. When these expectations aren’t met (which is often), they feel like the world is conspiring against them. The kicker is, that these unrealistic expectations often prevent them from appreciating the good things that are actually happening around them.
6. They Ruminate
Secretly miserable people don’t just visit the past, they set up camp there. They’ll spend hours replaying conversations, second-guessing decisions, and beating themselves up over mistakes—even ones from years ago. They think if they just analyze that situation one more time, they’ll figure out where they went wrong or how they could have done things differently. But here’s the truth: rumination isn’t reflection, it’s torture. This constant mental time travel keeps them stuck in the past, unable to fully engage with the present or plan for the future.
7. They’re a Rigid Thinker
Flexibility? What’s that? Secretly miserable people see the world in black and white, with no room for shades of gray. Their way is the right way, end of story. While they might see this rigidity as a strength (“I stand by my principles!”), it’s actually a major source of their misery. Life is fluid and constantly changing, but they’re trying to navigate it with a fixed mindset. They cling to their fixed views because it gives them a sense of control in a chaotic world. But in doing so, they miss out on the growth, learning, and joy that come from embracing life’s uncertainties.
8. They’re Passive Aggressive
Instead of expressing their feelings openly, they resort to subtle jabs, silent treatments, and backhanded compliments. “No, no, it’s fine,” they’ll say, even when it’s clearly not fine. Or they’ll make a snarky comment and then add “Just kidding!” as if that makes it okay. They often resort to passive aggression because they’re afraid of conflict or rejection. But in trying to avoid direct confrontation, they actually create more drama and misunderstanding.
9. They’re Overly Nostalgic
They’re constantly reminiscing about “the good old days,” convinced that their best times are behind them. “Music was better back then,” they’ll sigh, or “Kids these days just don’t understand.” Don’t get me wrong, a little nostalgia can be sweet. But when it becomes a full-time residence, it’s a problem. According to Psychology Today, this constant backward focus prevents them from fully engaging with the present or looking forward to the future.
10. They’re Full of Excuses
Can’t pursue their dreams? The economy’s bad. Can’t get in shape? Bad genetics. Can’t find a partner? All the good ones are taken. Their list of reasons why they can’t do something is longer than a CVS receipt. “I’m just being practical,” they’ll say. But in reality, it’s fear talking—fear of failure, fear of change, fear of putting themselves out there. By always having an excuse ready, they protect themselves from having to try and potentially fail. In trying to avoid failure, they guarantee it.
11. The Postpone Their Pleasure
“I’ll be happy when…” Sound familiar? Secretly miserable people are champions at postponing their happiness. They’ve convinced themselves that they can’t be happy now—it has to wait until they get that promotion, lose those 10 pounds, find the perfect partner, or achieve whatever arbitrary goal they’ve set. But there’s always another goal, another milestone to achieve before they allow themselves to be happy. Even when they do achieve their goals, they often find that happiness doesn’t automatically follow.
12. They Compare Themselves
Miserable people are constantly measuring their lives against others, and surprise, surprise—they always come up short. It’s like they’re flipping through everyone else’s highlight reel while fixating on their own blooper reel. They’ll scroll through Instagram for hours, convinced that everyone else is living their best life while they’re stuck in a rut. This robs them of joy in their own accomplishments and blinds them to the good things in their life.
13. They’re a Magnet for Negativity
Ever met someone who could find the cloud in every silver lining? That’s our secretly miserable friend. They’ve got a PhD in pessimism and they’re not afraid to use it. Beautiful day? They’ll worry about skin cancer. Got a promotion? They’ll stress about the increased responsibility. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you’re always looking for the negative, guess what? You’ll always find it. This constant negativity (also called negativity bias, according to Psychology Today) doesn’t just affect their mood—it seeps into every aspect of their life, affecting their relationships, their work, and even their health.
14. They Cling to Their Comfort Zone
Change? Nope. New experiences? No thanks. They stick to what they know, even if what they know isn’t making them happy. This comfort zone might feel safe, but it’s also where dreams go to die. By refusing to step out and take risks, they’re essentially choosing the certainty of misery over the possibility of happiness. They watch life pass them by, always wondering “what if” but never brave enough to find out.
15. They’re An Emotional Vampire
You know that friend who always seems to drain your energy? Yep, we’re talking about emotional vampires. They dump their problems on others but rarely stick around to reciprocate. This habit stems from a deep well of unmet emotional needs. They’re trying to fill an internal void with external attention and sympathy. The problem is, it’s never enough. No matter how much support they get, they always need more. It’s like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom.
