It’s Christmas, which means it’s also Family Interrogation Time. What is it about this time of year that makes people people feel like they need to quiz you on every aspect of your personal life? Not only that, but with questions comes advice and all you hear is that irritating teacher voice from Peanuts. Here are some of the questions I’m totally dreading this holiday season:
- “Where’s this guy we keep hearing about?” I want to keep my boyfriend around, so I’m keeping him away. Yes, that’s what I’d like to say, but since it’s the start of the evening, I’ll just go with, “He already had plans with his own family.” Can’t really argue with that one. If you’re single, you’ll get the alternate: “Are you seeing anyone?”
- “Are you sure you’re seeing someone?” Umm… what kind of question is that? I’m a grown ass woman. If I was single, I’d proudly wave my single flag and get a tattoo of my status on my forehead. Instead, I’ll just laugh and say, “Yes, I’m sure.”
- “Don’t you want a little one?” Wait! Just a moment ago, you thought I had an imaginary boyfriend. Now we’re talking about kids? How did that happen? Let me see, shouldn’t I maybe see how things go with my guy first? Not a good enough answer? Okay, let’s just go with, “I’m not quite ready for kids.” That’ll shut ’em up, right? Please.
- “When are you getting married?” OK, I expected this one because I mentioned there was a guy in my life. Frankly, I don’t know when or if I even want to get married. Yeah, can’t tell them that or I’ll get the, “You’ll die old and alone” lecture. OK, I’ll just say, “We haven’t quite gotten to that stage yet, but I’ll definitely let you know when we set a date.”
- “Have you talked about kids yet?” Kids again! Did my last answer not satisfy you? That’s right, you love your wonderful life so much that your only pleasure is making mine miserable. Just save the lecture about how my life would be so much better with a kid. I’m still juggling the whole relationship/career thing. So, “No, we’re still working on us right now.”
- “Are you eating for two now?” I just said kids weren’t even on the radar. Oh, wait — are you insinuating I’m getting fat? What size do you wear again? Yeah, there are no nice answers anymore. I’m getting pissed. My response? “Oh, my metabolism’s on overdrive and I have to really shovel it in to avoid getting too skinny.”
- “What do you do again?” You know all about my boyfriend, the pimple I got last 4th of July, and how cute I was when I tooted during my 5th grade play, but you can’t remember my job? Ugh! I dread answering this one because I know what’s going to follow, but I proudly answer, “I’m a writer.”
- “When are you getting a real job?? What the hell do you think I do all day? I’m pretty sure a job is something that lets you earn money to pay your bills and do fun things. So, yes, I do have a real job. At this point, my sarcastic bitch is starting to wake, so I answer with an, “I guess I’m just lucky that I don’t have to get a real job right now and be miserable like you.”
- “You’re a insert teamhere fan right?” Umm…nope. I don’t really like sports that much. I do like those dark blue uniforms, though. Which team wears those? So, yeah, that’s pretty much how I answer that one. It usually just flusters them and they go away, or…
- “Did you see the game?” What about me saying I didn’t like sports made you think I watched whatever game you’re talking about. Nope, I watched real TV. You know those great shows that your damn sports get in the way of. Well, now they’re pissed instead of flustered and I kind of tune out the sports are the greatest thing ever speech.
- Anything political. My political views are random as hell. Seriously, I don’t identify as anything and it drives my family crazy. I just try and agree with whatever they’re talking about. The tricky thing is making sure I don’t agree when an opposing view is in the room. Sigh, why couldn’t I just have stayed home?
- “Are you seriously having seconds?” Again? Wait, you’re the other cousin I don’t like. Well, too bad, you’ve hit me when I’ve really had enough. I don’t give a damn if I gain weight. I like food. Of course, I love the look I get when I say, “Yes I am. Maybe you should stuff your face too and stop being such a bitch. Merry Christmas.”
- “Isn’t it time you changed your hair?” I’m not like most women. Outside of getting rid of my bangs in middle school, my hair’s stayed the same. Apparently, my family thinks it’s time for a makeover. I don’t even have an answer for this anymore. I just kind of laugh and shake my head. It’s better than all the evil thoughts behind the laughter.
- “What’s your recipe?” I bake a mean box of brownie mix and packaged cookie dough. I just don’t know why everyone gets pissy when I tell them it’s store=bought. Seriously, buy your own mix and see what happens. I’m not lying to you. Just follow the directions on the box.
- “Why don’t you visit more often?” After all this, you dare ask me to visit more? Nope, once a year is enough. Of course, I always say I’ll visit more just so I can get the hell out of there faster. I can always rant in the car on the way home.
