These 15 Sex Positions Aren’t Hot, They’re Horrible

These 15 Sex Positions Aren’t Hot, They’re Horrible ©iStock/PeopleImages

Sex is supposed to be fun, not painful or akin to a grueling workout. Sure, both people need to put some effort into making it a pleasurable experience, but that experience does NOT need to include these 15 positions:

  1. Cowgirl You’re sitting on his lap facing him with your knees on either side of him and you can be in control of the speed and pace of your sex session. It might sound great, but the Cowgirl is actually one of the most dangerous sexual positions because penile fractures are often caused when women are on top! Lean back too much and you might also feel the pain of his penis at this angle. Ouch!
  2. 69 Ugh, can this position go away for good? It sounds great in theory—you get and give oral pleasure in one sexual position—but it’s not that great in real life. You have to try to get into the perfect position so that you can receive and give simultaneously, but it’s not easy or comfortable. Plus, it’s hard to multitask and ensure you both climax. If you and your partner have a huge difference in height, it makes it even more awkward.
  3. Legs up You lie down on your back and your partner holds your legs up next to his ears so that he can pleasure you from the top. It might sound juicy to be looking up at him while you’re having sex, but it’s not that flattering for you. You’re lying there all bunched up around your middle, probably showing him a not-so-great angle. Ugh.
  4. Standing up This is often thought of as really sexy but it’s mainly just hype. He’s got to hold you up so that you can both feel pleasure and after a while, even the strongest man is going to start to get sore muscles. Plus, you’re getting slammed against the wall, which isn’t fun.
  5. Pair of tongs This position is when your partner stands in front of you while you lie on the floor. You put one of your legs between his legs and hold yourself up from the floor with your hand. You basically have sex while you’re dangling in the air. Jeez, it’s like Twister or something! He’s going to get tired, you’re both going to fall down, and if not, you’re going to feel really stupid.
  6. Twirl-a-girl He lies down, you sit on him sideways on your butt and move yourself onto his penis. You have to make swiveling movements as he enters you, so it’s like you’re twirling on his penis. Weird enough yet? You need to keep your body raised and spin around on his penis without hurting him. No pressure!
  7. Head over heels You kneel on the floor and rest your arms on the bed in front of you. Then, he lifts your legs and enters you from behind. He’s basically holding you up like he’s about to push a wheelbarrow. Don’t be surprised if you laugh out loud during this one.
  8. Not so sexy squat The idea of combining squats and sex sounds awkward, and it is. Basically, during this position your boyfriend lies on his back with his knees bent and you squat between his legs, keeping your feet on either side of him. You’ve then got to move up and down on his penis. Why does sex have to feel like those uncomfortable sessions at the gym? FFS.
  9. Standing in the shower As if sex while standing wasn’t uncomfortable enough, now you have to add lots of slippery water to the deal. Great. In addition, you’re in a confined space and water’s dripping into your eyes. Water also compromises the effectiveness of a condom, so just say no to shower sex.
  10. Doggy style You might love this style, but according to a survey of 1,200 women, this was ranked the least favorite position, and with good reason. Did you know that if the guy enters you incorrectly or too roughly, you could tear your vagina? Eeek!
  11. The real doggy style I’m talking about butt sex! It’s messy, gross and can be really painful because the rectum doesn’t expand to accommodate a penis in the way that a vagina can. You need tons of lube to make butt sex feel good, probably lathered onto your bits before and during sex, and your partner has to take things really slowly. With all that work you have to put into it to make it feel good, butt sex just feels way too high maintenance.
  12. Waterfall This sounds really pretty and romantic but it’s not. During this position, your boyfriend lies on the edge of the bed with his head on the floor. Then, you sit on him like a frog and sex begins. He can be really lazy AF by not doing anything at all. What a turn-off.
  13. Butter churner It’s as gross as it sounds, in case you were wondering. The butter churner requires you to lie on your back, raise your legs over your head and then wait for your partner to squat over you so he can penetrate you. You’re basically lying there with your legs up in front of you and your neck horribly bunched up against the floor. Not fun!
  14. The crab walk Those sexy scenes of this sexual position in movies always make it look so divine. But here’s what it’s like in reality: you both get onto the bed or floor on your back and, using your hands and feet, walk like crabs towards each other until your genitals touch. He then penetrates you while you move against each other. Um, just getting into the crab position is enough of a turnoff, plus how do you get enough friction going? Worst of all: you can’t really hold each other up and are sure to go flying to the ground.
  15. 45-degree missionary Missionary sex doesn’t have to be boring. You can spice it up with this twist on it. Or so they say. The 45-degree missionary is when you lie on your back as though getting ready to have missionary sex, then your partner lies on top of you at a 45-degree angle, so he’s sort of lying across your body. Right. What’s so special about him being at an angle, crushing your stomach, and you not being able to move? This was supposed to spice up missionary, not make it awkward.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.