Maybe you want to meet someone amazing and have a happy relationship that feels straight out of a soppy romcom, but you’re simultaneously living in fear of getting your heart smashed into millions of pieces. Yikes. This is definitely sabotaging your romantic opportunities, so it’s time to deal. Here are 15 signs that you’re scared to commit and open up.
1. You have severe date anxiety.
While going on dates can make anyone break out into a full-body sweat, you take things to a higher level, obsessing about the date for days beforehand. You might be so scared of showing up because you’re worried you’ll catch a case of the feels and you’ll end up vulnerable and hurt. Yup, just the thought of this makes you want to run for the nearest exit!
2. You leave before things can get serious.
Even though you really like the person, you’ll find a ton of red flags so you can get out of the situation before you risk getting hurt. Your friends might call you way too fussy for your own good. The truth is, you run away before the person you’re dating can express their feelings for you. It’s just too scary to reciprocate! You’re stuck in a negative thought pattern, expecting them to hurt you so you figure you might as well do it first.
3. You play emotional tug of war with people.
You’re the king or queen of mixed messages. Although you have fun with the person on dates, you catch yourself before you give too much of your heart. So, you might withdraw from their affection or act weird the minute they hint at having The Talk. This leaves the person feeling confused and rejected while making you feel like a horrible person who’s messing with other people’s hearts.
4. You keep thinking about your ex.
Whenever you meet someone new who seems interesting, you start obsessing about your ex—and not in a romantic way. You think about all the bad things your ex did to hurt you to the point of expecting the new person you’re dating to hurt you in the same way. So, if your ex cheated on you, you’ll assume your new partner is going to do the same thing, which can make you hold yourself back.
5. You play way too hard to get.
Although playing hard to get can make someone want you more, you’re not doing it for that purpose. You do it because you’re legit scared of falling for someone who doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. So, you’ll avoid texting them back or you’ll cancel plans, even though it makes you feel and look bad. You can’t help but keep yourself at an emotional distance where it feels safer. But, funnily enough, this can cause you more pain, especially if you’ve really connected with someone.
6. You’re always “checking in.”
While withdrawing can be a sign you’re scared of love, you might do the opposite and become a stage-five clinger. This could involve reaching out and trying to get the person’s validation, like fishing for compliments. Or, you might always need reassurance from the person because you’re prone to doubting others’ feelings. The result? You seem so insecure that the person pulls away from you.
7. You’re constantly self-deprecating.
You regularly put yourself down because you don’t believe anyone really cares about you. For example, if your partner tells you you’re pretty or handsome, you might say, “Really? You haven’t seen me without all this makeup” or “You need your eyes tested!” In a weird way, you might be belittling yourself so the other person doesn’t have the power to hurt you, but all it does is make you come across as lacking confidence.
8. You have panic attacks on dates.
You tend to keep dates sweet and short, not because you’re hoping to make the person want you more but because you have extreme anxiety. Maybe you make an excuse that you have tons of work to do or your friend texted you with an emergency situation, then bolt out of the restaurant or movie theater with sweaty palms and a racing heart. You’re so scared of getting hurt that you can’t sit still and see how things unfold. There’s just too much pressure and too many expectations!
9. You keep saying you’re not looking for anything serious.
Whenever friends or family members press you about why you’re not seeing anyone, you tell them you’re not looking for commitment. You’re trying hard to appear like you don’t care about romance when the opposite is true. When you’re alone, you wish you could find a healthy, happy relationship. But right now it feels like that’s not going to happen because you’re too scared to open up.
10. You pick fights on dates.
Since you’re always expecting the other shoe to drop and the person you’re dating to break your trust, you’re quick to start arguments with them—even if they haven’t done anything. Without realizing it, your fight is your brain’s subconscious way of putting distance between the two of you. In some cases, you may be hoping that they’ll be put off and end things so you don’t have to.
11. You go off the radar for days at a time.
When you leave the person you’re dating on “read’ for hours or days, they might not realize you’re doing this because things are heating up between you and you can’t handle it. While you’re leaving them confused, you’re torturing yourself by needing to escape the romantic situation out of fear of rejection or pain. Funnily enough, your actions are what’s causing everyone pain!
12. You keep your dating profiles active.
Even after you get into a relationship with someone, you can’t seem to deactivate your dating app profiles. It’s like they’re a convenient backup plan to help you keep your dating options open so that you don’t end up alone and isolated. The issue with this is that you always have a foot out of your relationship—you’re never giving enough of yourself to make it work.
13. You stay super self-sufficient.
You’re obsessed with looking out for yourself because you’re scared of relying on anyone else. So, in relationships, you’re fiercely independent and say “no” to your partner’s support because you see accepting it as a sign of weakness. The problem with this is that you keep your walls super-high to prevent anyone from getting too close and seeing your vulnerability. Note to self: it’s a strength to let others help you when things get tough.
14. You feel like a caged tiger in a relationship.
When your relationship becomes official and exclusive, you start feeling restless and trapped. Maybe you daydream about being single or you want to do things without your partner so you don’t make the relationship your entire world. You’re so scared to make your relationship a priority, out of fear that your world will come crashing down if things don’t work out. The term “settle down” is enough to make you break out in hives.
15. Your words and actions are not in sync.
Although you tell the person you’ve started dating that you want a committed, serious relationship, your actions tell them otherwise. You might have good intentions, but it’s just that you lack follow-through. It’s difficult for you to commit because fear keeps you stuck thinking about all that could go wrong. What about all that could go right?
