If you’ve ever found yourself in an argument with a narcissist, you probably know it’s never a straightforward conversation. Narcissists are pros at turning any fight into a chaotic mess, pulling out all the stops to avoid taking responsibility. They’ll stir up drama, twist your words, and leave you feeling like you’re the one in the wrong. Here are 15 tactics narcissists use to distract and derail you when you’re fighting with them.
1. Turning Everything Around on You
Ever notice how quickly a narcissist can flip a conversation? You bring up an issue, and somehow, you’re suddenly defending yourself. Instead of addressing the problem you brought up, they make you the villain. It’s a classic move to get you off their back and put you on the defensive. Before you know it, you’re apologizing for things you didn’t even do.
2. Playing the Victim
No matter what they’ve done, narcissists love to act like they’re the ones being mistreated. They’ll spin the situation so they’re the ones who’ve been hurt or wronged, even if it was their bad behavior that was the issue. By playing the victim, they make you feel guilty for calling them out and shift the focus away from their behavior.
3. Gaslighting You
Narcissists are masters at gaslighting, making you question your own reality. They’ll deny things that happened, twist your words, and convince you that you’re remembering things wrong. Over time, this tactic is meant to leave you doubting yourself and wondering if you’re the problem. If you feel like you’re losing your mind, be wary that it’s a manipulation tool that keeps them in control.
4. Bringing Up Old Issues
A narcissist loves to drag up every mistake you’ve ever made when they’re in the hot seat. Instead of talking about the current issue, they’ll remind you of something you did ages ago. It’s their way of deflecting blame and shifting the conversation away from them. Before you know it, the argument suddenly becomes about your past mistakes instead of their behavior.
5. The Silent Treatment
When all else fails, a narcissist will sometimes shut down completely and give you the silent treatment. They’ll ignore your calls, texts, and attempts to resolve the issue, leaving you feeling frustrated and desperate. It’s a power move that puts you in the position of having to chase after them, begging for attention or resolution.
6. Blowing Everything Out of Proportion
Narcissists have a knack for turning small disagreements into full-blown meltdowns. They’ll take a minor issue and explode it into something huge, all to distract you from the actual problem. This tactic gets you wrapped up in calming them down or fixing the “emergency,” and the original argument gets swept under the rug.
7. Acting Like They Don’t Understand
One of the sneakiest tactics a narcissist will use is playing dumb. They’ll pretend they have no idea what you’re talking about or act confused when you bring up their bad behavior. It forces you to explain everything in detail, which wastes your time and energy while they sit back and avoid accountability.
8. Overreacting to Small Things
Narcissists will zero in on the tiniest details and blow them out of proportion to distract from the bigger issue. Suddenly, they’re making you feel guilty about your tone of voice or a harmless comment you made, and you’re left apologizing for something that wasn’t even a big deal. Meanwhile, the actual issue never gets addressed.
9. Constantly Changing the Rules
Ever feel like you’re in an argument where the goalposts keep moving? Narcissists are experts at changing the rules mid-fight. No matter what you do to fix the situation, it’s somehow never enough. They’ll keep changing up their expectations so that you’re always on the losing side, and they never have to take responsibility.
10. Bringing in Third Parties
A narcissist loves to use triangulation. Without hesitation, they’ll pull other people into your fight to make it seem like they have backup. They’ll say things like, “Well, even my friend thinks you’re wrong,” or, “My family agrees with me.” It’s their way of making you feel isolated and questioning your stance, even if the third party has no idea what’s really going on.
11. Blaming You for Their Behavior
One of the most frustrating tactics is when a narcissist blames you for how they acted. “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have reacted this way.” They place the blame for their bad behavior onto you by making it seem like you’re responsible for their actions. This keeps you on the defensive, explaining yourself instead of addressing their behavior.
12. Focusing on Your Delivery, Not the Issue
If they can’t argue the facts, they’ll go after how you said something. Narcissists will latch onto your tone or the way you phrased something, completely ignoring the content of what you’re saying. Suddenly, the fight is all about whether you were “too harsh” or “disrespectful,” and not about whatever their bad behavior was.
13. Cutting You Off Constantly
Narcissists hate letting you finish a thought. They’ll interrupt you mid-sentence, talk over you, or start shouting just to derail your train of thought. This is one of their favorite tactics because it keeps you from making your point, and they end up controlling the conversation by sheer force of will. It’s frustrating and leaves you feeling silenced.
14. Fake Apologies Followed by Love-Bombing
Just when you think you’re making progress, a narcissist might suddenly give you a fake apology, followed by over-the-top affection. This love-bombing tactic is meant to confuse you and make you forget what you were even upset about. They’ll shower you with compliments, promises, or sweet talk, but it’s all just to avoid dealing with the real issue at heart.
15. Acting Like Nothing Happened
After a big fight, rather than love-bombing you, a narcissist might just act like nothing happened. They’ll go on as if everything’s perfectly fine and expect you to do the same. It’s a strange tactic that makes you question if the argument was even important, and since they refuse to acknowledge it, you’re left carrying the emotional burden alone.
