15 Things I’ll Never Pretend To Be Cool With For A Guy

15 Things I’ll Never Pretend To Be Cool With For A Guy ©iStock/Wundervisuals

We’re all guilty of pretending to be cool with certain things guys like/do because we thought it would make them like us more (or at all). I’ve been guilty of it plenty of times myself, but I’m done with all that. I don’t see the point in lying at the beginning only to reveal my true feelings later. These are 15 things I’ll never pretend to like just to get a guy’s attention:

  1. Butt sex. Seriously, though. Been there, done that, hated it. No one can say I didn’t try. It was the worst. If you don’t think I’m “cool” because I won’t let you put it in my butt, you can go find a different butt. I still don’t understand why anyone wants to stick his dong up where my poop comes out. It grosses me out. I have another place that’s made specifically for that, so use it.
  2. Basketball. Baseball is fun. Football is fun. I don’t even mind some soccer once in a while or a UFC match. Basketball? Nope. Ain’t happening. People are always screaming as soon as the game starts, like both teams aren’t going to score hundreds of points before you know who’s going to win. The only part of a basketball game that matters is the last minute. It’s just a bunch of giant men running back and forth playing with a ball. I’d rather watch almost anything else.
  3. Sports bars. I used to work in sports bars and I have no desire to ever step foot in one again. They are basically the worst. It’s a bunch of drunk, yelling men who are too lazy to actually participate in sports, so they just sit around, get fat and judge them instead. I’d rather let a guy go out with his friends and do my own thing.
  4. Cars. Once again, kill me. I like cars. I like driving one that doesn’t suck and gets me where I need to go. That’s where my interest stops. If all you care about is your car, fixing your car, working on your car and watching shows about cars on TV… count me out.
  5. Extreme outdoors shows. No, I don’t care what a bunch of crazy people do in the woods in Alaska. I don’t want to sit on the couch watching crap. I want to get out and do things. I love the outdoors, but those shows make a mockery of everything that is awesome about getting out there. It’s like a backwoods circus and I don’t want to give it a minute of my time.
  6. Excessive body hair. Yeah, I know that guys are hairy, but you can keep that stuff in check. Grooming is your friend. I’m not going to pretend I like navigating a wooly forest when I’m dealing with your body. If certain areas are like horrible thickets, I’m not going anywhere near them. I’m more than happy to please when I’m not getting fur stuck in my teeth. Keep that in mind.
  7. Excessive facial hair. Same applies. I refuse to pretend that I think your big hipster beard is cool or sexy. I can’t find your mouth in there. You look ridiculous. Do you need all that hair to keep warm? No. You live in 2016. Trendy facial hair is stupid. Even worse if you have a weird mustache that you wax or some crap. If you spend more time on your face than I do, we have a problem.
  8. Sexist behavior. No, I don’t think it’s funny when you make misogynistic jokes with your friends in front of me, and yes, I am going to call you out on it. Standing up for myself doesn’t make me a bitch. It makes me a strong and self-respecting person. If it makes me not cool to do this, then I’m ok with it. You’re the one who’s actually not cool.
  9. A-hole jokes. Your dumb friends may find them funny, but they aren’t. I can’t help that it makes you feel bad if I don’t laugh – I can’t pretend to think something is funny when it’s asinine. I seriously couldn’t respect myself. I don’t exist merely to uphold your fragile ego. Either own the fact that your jokes are terrible or stop making them.
  10. Ugly dogs. Yes, there are ugly dogs. A lot of them. I like certain kinds of dogs, but I’m not going to act like I think your French bulldog is adorable. It looks like a wrinkled bag that someone left on the floor. Same with your tiny yippy annoying Chihuahua. I’m not a fan, and I won’t lie and tell you that your dog is cute when it isn’t. It’s not a baby. I don’t have to pretend.
  11. Dirt bikes/offroading. No, I don’t think your hickish activities are neat. I don’t want to eat dirt while you zoom past me having the time of your life. Are you over 21? Then I can’t justify this. It’s like skateboarding after a certain age…it’s just sort of embarrassing. I won’t be privy to your quarter-life crisis. I’m not into it and I don’t care to act like I am.
  12. Obnoxious man shows. Remember the actual Man Show? Yeah, stuff like that. I’m not into spending my afternoon watching boors make gross jokes and treat women like sexual objects. If you are, I’m not into you. I don’t understand how anyone can watch that crap and not want to puke on themselves.
  13. Pranking. We aren’t in elementary school, middle school or high school. The time for silly pranking is over. I guess some people did this in college also, but I hated it even then. The lengths you will go to in order to do something horrible to another person who is ostensibly your friend is certainly not attractive. If only you would put that much time and effort into your relationship with a woman, maybe you would have one in your life.
  14. Playing cards. This is literally an activity for when there is nothing else at all to do – and there’s always something. Even if we’re camping, we can talk, or tell stories, or at least have sex. We can roam around in the woods blindly for all I care. I’d rather do just about anything else than play cards. I like other games, but I don’t like this one.
  15. Hanging out with your crappy friends. If your friends are a-holes, I’m not going to pretend to be cool with them. That’s your problem. Make better friends. I won’t sit by silent while they act like jerks. I will stand up for myself and for anyone else who needs it. Sorry not sorry if this kills your vibe or whatever.
A former actress who has always loved the art of the written word, Amy is excited to be here sharing her stories! She just completed her first novel, and is also a contributor for Elite Daily, Dirty & Thirty, and Thought Catalog. Amy is the founder of What If Journey and can be found on Twitter @amyhorton18. You can also visit her website at amyhorton.net.