14 Phrases That Backfire When Someone’s Struggling With Confidence

Struggling with low confidence can be a tough experience, and while you may want to help your friend or loved one through it, choosing the right words is crucial. Saying the wrong thing can inadvertently make them feel worse. So, here’s a guide on what not to say when someone you care about is grappling with low confidence. Think of this list as a cheat sheet for being supportive without stepping on any emotional landmines.

1. “Just Be More Confident”

Telling someone to “just be more confident” is like telling someone with a broken leg to “just walk it off.” It’s not helpful, and it trivializes the struggle they’re going through. Confidence isn’t something you can magically summon; it’s built over time through experience and often with professional guidance. According to Dr. Martin Seligman, a leading psychologist in positive psychology, self-confidence is a complex interplay of factors, including past experiences and existing mental health conditions. Instead of commanding confidence, offer to support them in building it.

A better approach would be to ask how you can support them in their journey toward self-assurance. Offer to accompany them to events that make them uncomfortable or suggest activities where they can shine. The idea is to be a supportive presence, not someone who dismisses their struggle as a personal failing. Remember, confidence is not a switch you can turn on and off; it’s more like a muscle that needs regular exercise. Your role should be that of a coach, not a critic.

2. “You’re Overthinking It”

While it’s true that overthinking can be a barrier to confidence, telling someone they’re overthinking can make them feel invalidated. It suggests that their thoughts and feelings are unnecessary or excessive, which can further erode their self-esteem. Instead of labeling them as an “overthinker,” try to understand what specific concerns are clouding their mind. This approach not only shows empathy but also helps them address specific issues rather than general anxiety.

Encourage them to talk through their concerns with you or a professional who can provide guidance. This way, they can begin to untangle the thoughts that are holding them back. Listening is sometimes more valuable than any piece of advice you could offer. By validating their emotions, you give them the space to process what they’re feeling, which is invaluable in building confidence. Remember, the goal is to help them feel heard, not judged.

3. “Everyone Loves You”

While your intention might be to uplift, telling someone “everyone loves you” can feel insincere or even dismissive. The person struggling with low confidence might not believe it, and such statements can come off as empty reassurances. According to a study published by the American Psychological Association, receiving generic positive feedback can actually increase feelings of inadequacy because it feels disconnected from one’s reality. Instead, focus on specific qualities or accomplishments that highlight their value.

Rather than offering blanket praise, remind them of specific instances where they excelled or qualities that make them special. For example, you might say, “I really admired how you handled that project last month; your attention to detail was impressive.” This type of feedback is not only more genuine but also actionable. It gives them something concrete to hold onto, which can be a stepping stone toward rebuilding their self-confidence. After all, confidence grows best in a garden of genuine acknowledgment.

4. “Snap Out Of It”

Telling someone to “snap out of it” is not only unhelpful but also potentially harmful. It implies that their struggle with confidence is something they can easily control or dismiss, which is rarely the case. Low confidence often stems from deeper issues, such as past trauma or ongoing stressors, that aren’t easily shaken off. Comments like this can make them feel misunderstood and even more isolated. Instead of urging them to “snap out of it,” encourage them to take small, manageable steps toward self-improvement.

Suggest activities or exercises that are designed to bolster confidence, and offer to join them if it helps. Whether it’s attending a workshop, reading self-help books, or speaking to a therapist, these steps are more productive than simply dismissing the problem. Your role is to be a supportive ally, not someone who minimizes their feelings. Providing a safe space where they can openly discuss their struggles can make a world of difference in their journey toward confidence. It’s about progress, not perfection.

5. “You Have No Reason To Be Underconfident”

While it’s tempting to point out all the reasons someone should feel confident, telling them they have “no reason” to feel insecure can backfire. This statement can invalidate their emotions, making them feel like they’re overreacting or irrational. According to Dr. Brené Brown, a researcher on vulnerability and empathy, acknowledging a person’s feelings is a cornerstone of building trust and connection. Instead of dismissing their emotions, seek to understand them.

Ask open-ended questions that invite them to share their experiences and anxieties. This approach not only shows that you care but also helps them articulate their feelings, which is often the first step in addressing them. Empathy is a powerful tool in building confidence because it validates their experience as real and significant. Your goal should be to show them that their feelings are not only valid but also manageable with the right support. Be the person who listens, not the one who judges.

6. “You Shouldn’t Feel This Way”

Telling someone they “shouldn’t” feel a certain way can be incredibly invalidating. It implies that their emotions are wrong or misplaced, which can lead to additional layers of guilt or shame. Everyone’s emotional landscape is different, and what may seem insignificant to you could be overwhelming for someone else. Instead of telling them how they should feel, focus on understanding why they feel that way. This paves the way for more meaningful conversations and solutions.

Encourage them to explore their emotions without judgment, which can make them feel more comfortable in their skin. Sometimes, just talking about feelings can help reduce their power. Validating their experience rather than dismissing it can open the door to healing and growth. Remember, confidence is often about feeling secure in one’s own emotions. Your job is to support that journey, not dictate it.

7. “Others Have It Worse”

While it’s true that others might face tougher challenges, telling someone that “others have it worse” can be counterproductive. This statement can make them feel guilty for their own feelings, adding another layer of emotional burden. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Susan David, emotional agility is about recognizing and accepting your own feelings rather than comparing them to others. Instead of minimizing their experience, acknowledge that their feelings are valid and deserving of attention.

Express empathy by saying something like, “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.” This opens the door for them to share more about their struggles. You can also offer your support in actionable ways, like helping them find resources or professional guidance. Remember, empathy and compassion can be incredibly empowering for those struggling with low confidence. The goal is to focus on their experience, not to make comparisons.

8. “It’s All In Your Head”

Saying something is “all in your head” suggests that it’s not real or significant, which can be deeply damaging. It implies that their struggles are imagined or not worth taking seriously. For someone battling low confidence, this kind of remark can amplify feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. Instead of dismissing their concerns, listen actively and offer a supportive ear. Validating their feelings can make them feel understood and less alone.

Consider encouraging them to explore their feelings further, perhaps with the help of a therapist. Professional guidance can help them understand the root of their low confidence, making it easier to address. Your role should be to offer support without minimizing their experience. Remember, the mind is a complex place, and what seems small to you could be monumental for someone else. Being there for them can be the first step toward their healing journey.

9. “Stop Worrying So Much”

Telling someone to “stop worrying so much” trivializes their feelings and suggests that they’re overreacting. It’s important to recognize that people who struggle with low confidence often have deep-rooted fears and anxieties that aren’t easily dismissed. Instead of telling them to stop worrying, help them focus on what can be controlled. Encouraging them to take small, actionable steps can be more productive than simply telling them to stop.

Offer to help them create a plan or set goals that can build their confidence over time. This approach acknowledges their struggles while providing a path forward. Remember, worrying is a natural human response, but it can be managed with the right strategies. Your role is to offer support, not to undermine their feelings. Together, you can work towards a more confident future.

10. “You’re Too Sensitive”

Calling someone “too sensitive” can invalidate their emotions and make them feel abnormal or flawed. Sensitivity is not a weakness; often, it’s a sign of empathy and depth. When someone struggling with confidence hears they’re “too sensitive,” it can make them question their emotional responses even more. Instead of labeling them, try to understand the specific triggers that heighten their sensitivity.

Ask questions that invite them to share their feelings, and listen without judgment. This creates a safe space for them to explore their emotions without feeling criticized. Remember, sensitivity is a human trait that connects us with others, not a defect to be corrected. By understanding their perspective, you empower them to navigate their emotions more effectively. The goal is to provide a safe space for their feelings, not to stifle them.

11. “Everything Will Be Fine”

While reassuring someone that “everything will be fine” may seem comforting, it can often feel dismissive. It suggests that their current struggles aren’t significant enough to warrant concern. For someone dealing with low confidence, such blanket reassurances can ring hollow. Instead, offer to help them through specific challenges, demonstrating that you’re there for the long haul.

You could say, “I know things are tough right now, but I’m here to support you.” This lets them know they’re not alone and validates their current experience. While you can’t promise that everything will be fine, you can promise your support. This approach is more genuine and likely to be appreciated. The aim is to offer real support, not empty promises.

12. “At Least It’s Not As Bad As…”

Comparing someone’s struggles to worse scenarios doesn’t help. It can make them feel guilty for their feelings, adding to their emotional burden. Everyone’s experiences and pain threshold are different, and what might seem trivial to you could be overwhelming for them. Instead of making comparisons, focus on their specific needs and how you can provide support.

Acknowledge their feelings by saying something like, “I understand this is difficult for you.” This opens up a space for open dialogue and mutual understanding. By focusing on their unique experience, you validate their feelings and provide a foundation for positive change. The aim is to support their journey, not to minimize it. Remember, empathy is more powerful than comparison.

13. “You’re Making A Big Deal Out Of Nothing”

Telling someone they’re making a big deal out of nothing can be incredibly dismissive. It suggests that their feelings and experiences are not worth taking seriously. For someone with low confidence, this can be devastating, as it reinforces their internal doubts and insecurities. Instead of belittling their concerns, try to understand why these issues are significant to them.

Engage in conversations that allow them to express their thoughts and feelings. This approach not only shows empathy but also helps them articulate their emotions, making it easier to work through them. By validating their experience, you help them feel more grounded and less alone. The goal is to foster understanding, not to diminish their feelings. Being a supportive listener can make all the difference.

14. “You Always Do This”

Saying “you always do this” can make someone feel pigeonholed into a pattern of behavior. It implies that they’re unable or unwilling to change, which can be especially damaging for someone struggling with low confidence. Instead of focusing on what they “always” do, try to focus on the specific situation at hand. This allows them to address the present issue without feeling trapped by past behaviors.

Encourage them to explore new ways of handling situations and offer your support in doing so. This approach fosters growth and shows that you believe in their ability to change. Remember, people are complex and capable of growth, especially with the right support. Your role is to help them see that change is possible, not to remind them of past patterns. With your support, they can begin to build a more confident future.