When someone you care about is struggling, your words can either offer comfort or unintentionally add to their pain. While most people mean well, certain phrases can come across as dismissive, judgmental, or insensitive. Knowing what not to say can help you provide the support they truly need.
1. People Have It A Lot Worse Than You
Comparing someone’s pain to others’ struggles might seem like a way to offer perspective, but it often comes across as dismissive. When someone is hurting, being told that others have it worse can make them feel guilty for their emotions. It minimizes their experience, suggesting that their pain isn’t valid or significant. As reported by Harvard Business Review, comparing someone’s pain to others’ struggles can be counterproductive and dismissive.
Instead, focus on acknowledging their feelings without comparison. Saying something like, “I know this is really hard for you,” shows empathy and validates their experience. Everyone’s struggles are unique, and offering support without judgment helps them feel seen and understood.
2. What Do You Think The Lesson Is In All This?
When someone is in the middle of a difficult situation, they’re usually not ready to search for life lessons. Suggesting that their pain holds a hidden lesson can feel dismissive, as if their suffering is only valuable if it leads to personal growth. This phrase can also make them feel pressured to find meaning in their pain before they’ve had a chance to process their emotions. The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley notes that while adversity can lead to increased empathy and compassion, pressuring someone to find meaning in their pain prematurely can be harmful.
Instead, offer compassion and understanding without trying to assign meaning to their experience. Saying, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. How can I support you?” lets them know you’re there to help, no strings attached. Once they’ve had time to heal, they may naturally find their own insights, but they shouldn’t feel pressured to do so in the moment.
3. Where Do You Think You Fell Short?
Asking someone to identify their mistakes during a tough time can feel like placing blame. Even if you mean to encourage self-reflection, this question can come across as judgmental, making them feel as though their hardship is their own fault. It can intensify feelings of guilt and self-doubt, especially if they’re already questioning their actions. Psychology experts emphasize that asking someone to identify their shortcomings during a difficult time can exacerbate feelings of guilt and self-doubt. Instead, offering reassurance and empathy is more beneficial for healing.
A more compassionate approach is to offer reassurance and empathy. Saying, “This situation is really difficult, and it’s not your fault,” helps lift the burden of blame and allows them to focus on healing. When they’re ready to reflect, they’ll do so naturally, without feeling pressured or judged.
4. You’ve Been Through Worse
Reminding someone of past hardships might seem like a way to highlight their resilience, but it can feel dismissive in the moment. Each challenge is unique, and comparing their current struggle to previous ones can invalidate their feelings. It may also make them feel as though they should be handling the situation better, adding unnecessary pressure. The Empathy Academy highlights that reminding someone of past hardships can invalidate their current feelings.
Instead, acknowledge their current pain without minimizing it. Saying, “This is really hard, and I’m here for you,” offers support without comparison. Letting them express their emotions without judgment helps them feel validated and understood, which is essential for healing.
5. Toughen Up, Buttercup
Telling someone to toughen up might be intended as motivation, but it often comes across as dismissive and unsupportive. It implies that their emotions are a sign of weakness, which can discourage them from opening up in the future. This phrase can also increase feelings of isolation, as they may feel that their pain isn’t taken seriously.
Instead, offer words that validate their feelings while encouraging resilience. Saying, “I know this is really hard, but I believe in your strength,” acknowledges their pain while reinforcing their ability to overcome challenges. Showing compassion helps them feel supported and understood as they navigate difficult emotions.
6. Perhaps You Should Lean Into God
While faith can be a source of comfort for many, suggesting it as a solution can feel dismissive or presumptuous, especially if the person doesn’t share the same beliefs. This phrase can make them feel as though their pain is a result of not being spiritual enough, which can add to their emotional burden.
Instead, focus on offering empathy and support without imposing beliefs. Saying, “I’m here for you, no matter what,” shows that you care without suggesting a specific path to healing. If they choose to lean on their faith, they’ll do so in their own time and way.
7. Suffering Leads To Breakthroughs
While it’s true that growth often comes from adversity, this phrase can feel dismissive when someone is in the middle of a difficult experience. It implies that their pain is a means to an end, rather than something that deserves compassion and support. This perspective can minimize their current emotions, making them feel as though they should be focusing on future growth instead of processing their pain.
Instead, acknowledge their feelings without trying to reframe their experience. Saying, “I know this is really hard right now, and I’m here to help you through it,” shows empathy and support without diminishing their emotions. Once they’ve had time to heal, they may naturally find growth and insight, but they shouldn’t feel pressured to do so while they’re still hurting.
8. Don’t Get Angry, Get Even
Encouraging someone to seek revenge might seem like a way to empower them, but it often leads to more negativity and emotional distress. Focusing on retaliation can prevent them from moving forward and finding peace, keeping them stuck in a cycle of anger and resentment. This mindset rarely leads to true healing, as it shifts the focus away from processing emotions in a healthy way.
Instead, offer support that promotes emotional growth and resilience. Saying, “It’s okay to feel angry, but I’m here to help you move forward,” acknowledges their emotions without encouraging harmful actions. Helping them process their feelings in a healthy way fosters long-term healing and emotional well-being.
9. Sit With The Pain
While acknowledging and processing emotions is essential, telling someone to “sit with the pain” can feel dismissive and unhelpful, especially when they’re overwhelmed. This phrase can come across as suggesting they should endure their suffering without seeking comfort or support. It may also make them feel as though they’re expected to handle their emotions alone.
A more compassionate approach is to offer your presence and understanding. Saying, “I know this is really hard—let’s talk through it together,” shows that they don’t have to face their pain alone. Providing a listening ear and emotional support helps them process their feelings in a healthier, more manageable way.
10. Take A Few Deep Breaths
While deep breathing can help manage stress and anxiety, suggesting it as a solution during a difficult moment can feel dismissive. This phrase can imply that their emotions are something to be quickly controlled rather than understood and validated. It may also make them feel as though their reaction is an overreaction, which can lead to feelings of shame or frustration.
Instead, acknowledge their emotions and offer support without minimizing their experience. Saying, “I know this is really overwhelming—how can I help you feel more at ease?” shows empathy and provides space for them to express their feelings. If they’re open to calming techniques, you can offer suggestions in a way that feels supportive rather than dismissive.
11. Everything Happens For A Reason
While this phrase is often meant to provide comfort, it can feel dismissive when someone is in the middle of a difficult experience. Suggesting that their pain is part of a larger plan can invalidate their emotions, making them feel as though their suffering should be accepted without question. This perspective can also discourage them from seeking support, as it implies that their feelings are less important than the supposed reason behind their hardship.
Instead, focus on offering empathy and understanding without trying to assign meaning to their experience. Saying, “I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I’m here to support you,” acknowledges their pain without diminishing their feelings. Providing a safe space for them to express their emotions helps them feel seen and understood.
12. Time Heals All Wounds
While time can help ease emotional pain, this phrase can feel dismissive when someone is struggling. It implies that their feelings will simply fade with time, without acknowledging the effort required to heal. This perspective can make them feel as though they should be able to move on quickly, adding pressure to their emotional recovery.
Instead, offer support that acknowledges their current pain while expressing hope for the future. Saying, “I know this is really hard right now, but I believe things will get better with time and support,” provides encouragement without minimizing their emotions. Letting them know that healing is a process, not a race, helps them feel more understood and supported.
13. It Could Be Worse
Pointing out that things could be worse might seem like a way to offer perspective, but it often comes across as dismissive. This phrase minimizes their feelings, making them feel as though their pain isn’t valid or significant. It can also create feelings of guilt, as if they should be grateful despite their struggles.
Instead, focus on validating their emotions without comparison. Saying, “I know this is really hard for you, and it’s okay to feel this way,” shows empathy and understanding. Allowing them to express their feelings without judgment helps them feel seen and supported, which is essential for healing.
14. Just Focus On The Positive
While maintaining a positive outlook can be helpful, suggesting it as a solution can feel dismissive when someone is struggling. This phrase can make them feel as though their negative emotions are invalid or unwanted, leading to feelings of isolation and frustration. It may also discourage them from expressing their true feelings, which can hinder the healing process.
Instead, offer support that acknowledges both their challenges and their strengths. Saying, “I know this is really hard, but I believe in your strength and resilience,” provides encouragement without minimizing their emotions. Allowing them to process their feelings while offering hope for the future creates a more compassionate and supportive environment.
15. You Should Be Grateful For What You Do Have
While gratitude can improve mental well-being, suggesting it during a difficult time can feel dismissive and invalidating. This phrase implies that their pain is less important because of the positive aspects of their life, which can lead to feelings of guilt and frustration. It may also discourage them from seeking support, as they may feel their struggles aren’t worth discussing.
Instead, focus on acknowledging their feelings without judgment. Saying, “I know this is really hard, and it’s okay to feel this way,” shows empathy and understanding. Offering support without minimizing their emotions helps them feel seen and validated, which is essential for healing and emotional growth.
