Having sex with someone for the first time? Even the best hook-ups come with their own unique brand of inner dialogue. Here’s a few of the things that will likely pass through your mind when you sleep with someone for the first time.
“This guy smells amazing.”
There’s something really awesome about a guy who has that “clean guy scent.” I’ve been known to swoon over men who smell like freshly washed laundry. This is the complete polar opposite reaction to the one I have when a dude smells like he’s bathed in cologne or worse, smells a bit funky like he’s a few hours past due for a shower.
“Huh, well this is surprising.”
Like many women, I’ve learned that you can almost never guess a guy’s penis size by the size of his hands or his height. There’s always a few surprises. However, that’s part of the thrill of undressing a guy for the first time: the big reveal. Because, you. just. never. know.
“Wait, we’re having sex?”
I remember once in college, I hooked up with this guy. I thought things were going good and he was doing some interesting things with his finger. That’s when I told him that I really wanted to have sex with him. His reply, “I’m already inside you.” It doesn’t get much more awkward than this, people.
“Nope, wrong spot, dude.”
It’s clear by the way that he’s trying to stimulate your clitoris that he has absolutely no idea where the clitoris is.
“Nope, also wrong spot, dude.”
We’ve all experienced a moment when the guy we’re hooking up with is aiming for the front door but instead starts knocking on the back door. How the two different entrances could possibly be mistaken for each other is something I don’t quite understand, however I try to give the guy the benefit of the doubt that it was an honest mistake. However, it always makes me think, “Did he really just try that?”
“This guy has clearly been watching a lot of online sex.”
From his dirty talk vocabulary to some of his moves, this guy has clearly been watching a lot of online sex. Although sometimes this can be hot, for the most part it’s kind of a turn-off. Guys, I want you to just be yourself not try and emulate something you saw once on Red Tube.
“Oh my God, why is this is taking so long?”
What most men don’t realize is that we don’t need hours and hours of sex in order to be satisfied. In fact, if we came 45 minutes ago and nothing else seems to be happening (except you, panting away atop of us in the same position), many of us kind of just want things to wrap up so we can get on to other things like a shower and a post-sex snack.
“Does this position make my boobs look weird?”
Because when I look down, they look like two uneven pancakes squished between the floor and the stove.
“Why is he making that face?”
By the way that he’s gritting his teeth and rolling his eyes, it looks like he’s in the midst of an exorcism, not an orgasm. Eye-contact during sex is awesome, except when you look at your partner and see a sex face that can’t be unseen.
“Oh, crap. Did I just throw off the rhythm?”
Things were going pretty good but now it feels like he’s zigging and you’re zagging. Oh, wait. Yep, we’re back in sync.
“I feel like I’m being speared.”
Yep, that’s my cervix. Please stop hitting it. Thanks!
“I wonder what he’s thinking?”
Yes, we want to know what you’re thinking about – almost as much as we want to know why you keep doing that weird thing with your tongue. Seriously, who taught you that?
“No, really – what’s up with that tongue thing?”
Maybe his ex liked this or maybe no one has ever had the nerve to tell him that whatever he is doing with his hands/mouth/hips feels like you’re being probed by aliens; but it’s bad…really, really bad.
“Well I’m glad someone taught him how to do that.”
Although there’s always the potential for first time sex to be awkward and bumbling, occasionally you’ll come across a man who is a certified vagina whisperer. Don’t worry about where he picked up these skills, just be happy you’re on the receiving end.
Thank god. That’s all I can say.
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