15 Toxic Phrases You Should Never Say to Your Adult Children

15 Toxic Phrases You Should Never Say to Your Adult Children

Parenting adult children is a whole new ballgame. You want to stay connected and involved, but it’s a fine line between offering support and overstepping boundaries. Sometimes, the things you say with good intentions can cause harm or create distance. To maintain a strong, healthy bond with your grown kids, here are 15 toxic phrases to avoid—and what to say instead.

1. “Why Can’t You Just Make Better Choices?”

Criticizing their choices—whether it’s about their career, relationships, or finances—sends the message that you don’t trust them to navigate their own life. While it’s natural to want the best for them, being overly critical only pushes them away. Instead, show support by saying, “I trust you to figure this out.” This reassurance fosters open communication and mutual respect, letting them know you believe in their ability to grow and learn from their decisions.

2. “You Never Have Time for Me Anymore.”

Shot of a mature man and his elderly father having coffee and a chat at home

Guilt-tripping your children about how often they visit or call only creates more distance. They likely have busy lives filled with work and responsibilities, just like you once did. Instead, try something more inviting, like, “I’d love to catch up when you’re free.” This shows understanding and respect for their time, making them more inclined to reach out rather than avoid you because of guilt or frustration.

3. “I Guess You’re Too Busy for Your Family.”

Passive-aggressive comments like this may seem harmless, but they can be incredibly damaging. These remarks come off as manipulative and guilt-inducing, which can push your children further away. If you’re feeling neglected, express yourself honestly and kindly. Saying, “I miss spending time with you” is more likely to foster connection than a backhanded comment that makes them feel defensive.

4. “After Everything I’ve Done for You…”

Bringing up sacrifices you’ve made to guilt your children into reciprocating can damage your relationship. Parenting is about unconditional love, not keeping score. Instead, focus on the present and what you value in your relationship. Saying, “I’d really enjoy spending more time with you” expresses your feelings without placing blame. This approach encourages connection and helps maintain a positive dynamic.

5. “You’re Choosing Them Over Me?”

Once your kids are in a committed relationship, their partner becomes their priority—and that’s okay. Pitting yourself against their significant other only creates unnecessary tension. Instead, support their choices by saying, “I’m so glad you’ve found someone who makes you happy.” Showing acceptance and respect for their relationship strengthens your bond and keeps your connection strong.

6. “Why Don’t You Call More Often?”

Pointing out how little they call or visit only adds stress to your relationship. Life gets busy, and your kids likely have their hands full with work and other responsibilities. Instead of creating guilt, show appreciation when they do reach out. Saying, “I really enjoy our conversations” is more welcoming and encourages them to stay in touch without feeling obligated.

7. “Do You Remember When You Screwed Up…?”

Rehashing past mistakes only makes your children feel judged and defensive. No one likes having their old failures brought up repeatedly. Instead, focus on their accomplishments and growth. Complimenting their progress shows you recognize and value how far they’ve come, which fosters positivity and respect in your relationship.

8. “I Was Just Trying to Help.”

Unsolicited advice, no matter how well-meaning, can feel like criticism to your adult children. If they didn’t ask for input, they might perceive it as you doubting their abilities. A better approach is to say, “I’m here if you need any advice.” This lets them know you’re available for guidance without imposing your opinions on them, creating a healthier dynamic.

9. “I’m Your Parent, I Know What’s Best.”

Telling your adult children that you always know what’s best can feel dismissive and undermining. They’re navigating their own lives now and deserve the freedom to make their own decisions, even if you disagree. Instead, express trust in their judgment by saying, “I believe in your ability to make the right choice.” This shows respect for their autonomy and strengthens your relationship by building mutual trust.

10. “I Don’t Like Your Partner.”

Criticizing your child’s partner can create unnecessary friction and make your child feel like they have to choose sides. Even if you have reservations, voicing them unprompted puts your child on the defensive. Instead, focus on supporting your child’s happiness by saying, “I’m glad you’re with someone who makes you happy.” This keeps the relationship harmonious and shows respect for their choices.

11. “That’s Not How I Did It.”

Comparing their approach to yours, whether it’s about parenting, cooking, or problem-solving, can feel dismissive. Everyone has their own way of doing things, and your adult children want to feel capable and confident in their choices. Instead, offer encouragement by saying, “If you ever want to talk things through, I’m here.” This fosters an open dialogue and avoids undermining their confidence.

12. “Why Can’t You Be More Like…?”

Comparing your child to their siblings, friends, or anyone else only breeds resentment and insecurity. It sends the message that who they are isn’t good enough, which can harm their self-esteem and damage your relationship. Instead, celebrate their unique strengths and individuality. Saying, “I’m proud of the person you are” helps them feel valued and loved for who they are.

13. “You Need to Do Things My Way.”

woman with husband and parents

Insisting that your way is the only way sends the message that you don’t trust their judgment or abilities. Your children are adults, capable of charting their own path. Instead of trying to control their decisions, let them know you’re there to support them. Saying, “I trust you to make the right choice for yourself” helps them feel respected and understood.

14. “You Owe Me This.”

Parenting isn’t about keeping score, and reminding your kids of everything you’ve done for them creates guilt and resentment. Relationships thrive on mutual respect and love, not obligations. Instead, focus on building a genuine connection. Saying, “I love spending time with you” shows your desire to nurture the relationship without making them feel indebted to you.

15. “You’ll Always Be My Little Kid.”

While it’s sweet to feel nostalgic, constantly referring to your grown children as “your little kid” can make them feel infantilized. They want to be seen and respected as the capable adults they’ve become. Instead, acknowledge their growth and independence by saying, “I’m so proud of the person you’ve become.” This reinforces your love while recognizing their maturity and accomplishments.

This content was created by a real person with the assistance of AI.

Piper Ryan is a NYC-based writer and matchmaker who works to bring millennials who are sick of dating apps and the bar scene together in an organic and efficient way. To date, she's paired up more than 120 couples, many of whom have gone on to get married. Her work has been highlighted in The New York Times, Time Out New York, The Cut, and many more.

In addition to runnnig her own business, Piper is passionate about charity work, advocating for vulnerable women and children in her local area and across the country. She is currently working on her first book, a non-fiction collection of stories focusing on female empowerment.