Dating a narcissist is a never-ending mind game. They’ll find ways to test your loyalty so they know how much they can control you. While you might think they’re sending you expensive gifts or monopolizing your attention because they love you, it’s actually manipulative—they want to see if you reciprocate. Here are 15 traps narcissists set so you don’t fall into them.
1. They lovebomb you.
When you meet a narcissist and they act as though you’re the most amazing, attractive, and awesome person in the world, it can be flattering. They’ll shower you with attention, praise, and compliments, but it’s not that they’re falling for you. They’re trying to manipulate you into liking them so they can dominate you. They might also lovebomb you to see if you reciprocate their feelings. If you do,- they know they can manipulate you even more easily.
2. They try to isolate you.
Narcissists will try to isolate you from your loved ones so that you give them all your attention and solely depend on them. They’ll start doing this in small ways at first, like criticizing your loved ones to see how you react. If you believe what they have to say about your friends and family, they’ll feel validated. By confirming your loyalty to them in this way, they’ll feel one step closer to isolating you from others.
3. They use “triangulation.”
Triangulation is a tactic narcissists use to test that you’re loyal to them. It involves bringing a third person into the situation. For example, during a fight, they might say, “Your best friend agrees with me that you’re selfish!” They do this to cause drama between you and your loved ones, making you feel alienated. If you believe the narcissist’s words, they’ll see you as being committed to them.
4. They make you prove your devotion.
A common way in which a narcissist will try to test how committed you are to them is by withholding affection and validation. From lovebombing you, they switch to giving you the silent treatment or moving away from you when you try to touch them. This can make you feel uneasy and unloved. But, this is a test—when they brush you off, do you work harder to regain their love? If so, you’re proving your devotion to them.
5. They play the victim.
To get your attention and be a priority in your life, narcissists will come up with crazy stories and fake emergencies. So, for example, if you’re supposed to attend your friend’s birthday, they might suddenly get “sick” on the day and need you to cater to their needs, like cooking for them or getting meds from the pharmacy. If you cancel your other commitments to be with them, this shows them that you’re loyal.
6. They treat you badly on purpose.
Sometimes, a narcissist will be mean to you to see if you stick around after such harsh treatment. So, for example, they might criticize you regularly or find ways to point out your flaws at every turn to see how much of their bad behavior you’ll take before walking away. If you stay despite the toxic or abusive comments, you’re boosting their ego and showing them you’re willing to be a doormat for them.
7. They try to control your finances.
Even though you’re independent and make your own money, a narcissist will try to combine your lives as much as possible so that you lose your autonomy. They might try to force you into signing financial agreements that benefit them while limiting your rights. Or, they’ll try to pressure you to open a joint bank account to see how much you’ll comply with their rules.
8. They might ask you to disclose your secrets.
When you get closer to a narcissist, they might pressure you to share your deepest, darkest secrets. They might pretend they want to increase emotional intimacy. Sure, it seems legit, but their real agenda is to test your loyalty and store your secrets so they can be used against you at a later stage. Yikes.
9. They blow up emotionally.
If you’re on a date with a narcissist or chilling with them at home and they suddenly have an emotional outburst, it can feel scary and upsetting. The reality is, they’re staging that blowup to see how you react—if you’ll comply with their demands, cater to their emotions, or prioritize their need for emotional support over yours. Your response to the outburst provides them with valuable information about your level of loyalty and willingness to tolerate their behavior.
10. They step over your boundaries.
Narcissists don’t like it if you have boundaries because they’re obstacles preventing them from controlling you. So, to test if you’re loyal to them, they might disregard your boundaries to see how you react. For example, if you say “no” to their request to see you at the last minute, they’ll try to persuade you and see if you comply. If you react positively, they’ll see it as their signal to continue manipulating you.
11. They make all the relationship decisions.
A narcissist will try to assert their dominance by making all the decisions without first consulting you. For example, they might decide where you buy a house or where you go on dates. It’s all about them and what they want. And what they want is to see how much influence they have over your opinions, thoughts, and feelings. If you go along with it, they’ll view you as a loyal follower.
12. They try to make you feel jealous.
The narcissist you’re dating might try to ruffle your feathers and make you feel jealous, such as by talking incessantly about their exes or flirting with other people during your dates. They’ll be checking your reaction to see if you get upset or angry, confirming that you love and are committed to them. It’s also about exploiting your insecurities to make themselves feel better. Ugh.
13. They give you ultimatums.
During a fight, it’s common for narcissists to issue ultimatums so that they can test how much you love them. This is a mind game they use to make you feel fear and anxiety in the relationship. By keeping you on your toes with uncertainty, they’ll be able to gauge how much they can control you. For example, if you beg them not to walk away, it’ll confirm that you need them.
14. They create drama.
Narcissists might try to create chaos in your relationship to see if you can handle stressful situations. They want to be reassured that you’re going to support them no matter what. So, to test your loyalty, they’ll exaggerate their negative feelings during a tough time or dramatize any problems they’re encountering to see how you react. If you run to their aid and try to solve their problems for them, it shows you’ll stick by their side.
15. They tell you half-truths.
Although narcissists are known for lying, they might sometimes give you half-truths, statements that contain a combination of a truth and a lie. For example, they might say, “I stayed home last night and watched an old movie.” Although it’s true that they stayed home, it could be a lie that they watched an old movie. Narcissists manipulate the facts to gauge your reaction and see if you’ll challenge their narrative. If you go along with it, they’ll see you’re loyal despite their deceitfulness.
16. Sick of the dating world but still want to find a partner? Turn your love life around with your mind.
Discover the power of thought with our sister site, Sweetn. Their quick quiz and research-backed tools make finding love easy and fun by transforming the way you think about dating and relationships. Click to try now — it only takes a few weeks to see a difference.
