15 Types Of Guys Guaranteed To Make Terrible Boyfriends

Some guys have red flags so big that you don’t need to give them a chance to show if they’re boyfriend material or not. You really don’t have to to bother getting to know them at all, because you can already tell they’re not for you. Whether you’re dealing with a narcissistic jerk or an immature mama’s boy, it’s better to steer clear altogether than waste your precious time.  These 15 dudes show how some guys are just guaranteed to make terrible boyfriends:

  1. The mama’s boy. Dating a mama’s boy is the fastest way to increase the amount of hostile criticism and frustration in your life. While you’ll get lots of leftover lasagna and chicken parm, it’s not worth the unscheduled drop-ins, the constant relationship meddling, and the fact that you’ll never be the #1 lady in this emotionally stunted man-child’s life.
  2. The guy whose band is perpetually two or three gigs away from making it big. Sure, musicians are sexy and the idea of dating a famous rock star is exciting, but chances are, you’ll just end up playing second fiddle to his bandmates while the only perk you ever get is the free store-bought fruit platters you find in the dressing rooms of fourth tier venues. He’ll always be actually dating the band, and helping him load his equipment into the van will wreak havoc on your lower back
  3. The grandpa. Older can be sexy, but you shouldn’t be explaining to your boyfriend what the Twitter is while you refill his oxygen tank prescriptions. Unless you’re super into hearing the same war stories on repeat and early bird specials, it’s probably not worth the risk that the amount of Viagra it’ll take to satisfy you may actually kill him.
  4. The irony-addicted hipster. You’re not quite sure if he’s dating you because he likes you or because he thinks dating is so lame and out-of-date that he’s doing it as some kind of ironic joke. He’ll spend more time applying beard wax than it takes you to curl your entire head of hair, and you’ll grow tired of him reading obscure novels during your gluten free, non-GMO, vegan, conflict–free, fair trade dinners instead of paying attention to you.
  5. The vampire enthusiast. Someone needs to tell this guy that this trend is seriously over, and no one believes that he’s actually a blood sucking immortal. Unless you want a relationship without sunlight or garlic bread, and tiny vials of bae’s blood for Christmas, try dating someone who’s a little more in touch with reality.
  6. The professor. Avoid dating this guy unless you want to be a cliché with a huge asterisk on your diploma. Someone else’s professor might be OK, as long as he leaves the condescending I’m-the-master-and-you’re-the-protégé attitude in office hours where it belongs.
  7. The conspiracy theorist. As interesting as his obsessions are (they aren’t) and how much your friends will love having him at parties (they won’t), you’re probably better off dating someone who doesn’t cancel date night to re-catalogue his collection of Bigfoot sightings chronologically instead of geographically.
  8. The still-stuck-on-his-ex guy. Enjoy him accidentally calling out her name in bed, the watery eyes when their song comes on at the bar, and the knowledge that he would leave you the second she calls and says she wants him back.
  9. The non-tipper. This guy obviously doesn’t have enough respect for other people and has no problem embarrassing you in public with his stingy ways. What a dream man.
  10. The ignorant joke teller. Unless you enjoy cringing more than laughing. This guy will never fail at blowing a social interaction no matter how great it starts off. 100 witty comments will be cancelled out by one tasteless “so and so walks into a bar” joke, and your friends will start to wonder if you’re actually a closet racist for dating this dude.
  11. The VIP only guy. We all like the occasional VIP table or guest list status, but it won’t be fun dating the guy who ALWAYS has to have it. Your mingling options will be stifled while he blows his entire paycheck on overpriced bottle service and judges women based off the quality of their bloody bottoms and breast augmentations. He is as superficial as it gets, and that’s not a quality you want in a serious relationship.
  12. The Tinder addict. There’s nothing wrong with meeting someone on Tinder, but if he can’t seem to quit, RUN. It’s just a matter of time before he swipes right with someone else, possible while you’re in the bathroom during a date.
  13. The one upper. He just can’t help himself! He has to one up absolutely everything you say and do. It might be fun in the bedroom when he decides to give you a better O, but it’ll become intolerable in every other aspect of your life.
  14. Mr. too-good-to-be-true. If he seems too good to be true, he is. There aren’t real life Prince Charming’s, just real life liars and borderline sociopaths.
  15. Your ex-boyfriend. Once a crappy boyfriend, always a crappy boyfriend. Isn’t there some kind of phrase about fooling you twice??
Holly Harris is a freelance writer, full time student, and mommy to a toddler sass monster. In her (nearly nonexistent) free time, you can find her lifting something heavy in her home gym or chugging vodka sodas with friends. She contributes to several other sites, including Elite Daily.
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