If you’re dating someone who displays narcissistic tendencies, here’s a hard truth to swallow: they’ll never give their love and attention freely. They only care about how you’ll repay them. For example, they’ll give you excessive praise so they can later guilt-trip you into doing what they want. Entitled, much? Here are 15 ways in which a narcissist behaves as if you owe them.
1. They’re over-the-top caring.
Narcissists will go out of their way to remember details you told them about yourself, like recalling your favorite food so they can surprise you with it when you’re too busy to go to dinner. You might think, “Wow, they’re so thoughtful and caring!” but they’re only caring for you so that they get the reward of your validation. By making them feel special and wonderful, it boosts their (very fragile) ego.
2. They remind you of their good deeds.
Once a narcissist does something nice for you, they’ll never let you forget it! If one time, they delivered you food when you were working, they’ll bring it up weeks or months later. Or, if they stayed up all night talking to you when you were down, they’ll remind you of it when you can’t be there for them. They do this to make themselves feel superior, and make you feel guilty for times when you fall short.
3. They buy you expensive gifts.
As part of their love-bombing strategy to make you fall for them, narcissists will spend a ton of money on gifts. It might feel overwhelming when they buy you jewelry or appliances, and it should be a red flag. They’re doing it so you owe them in some way. They might say, “I’ve spent so much money on you, the least you can do is give me some money for rent.”
4. They provide tons of emotional support.
A narcissist lacks empathy but will pretend to be your number-one supporter. If you’re feeling vulnerable, they’ll encourage you to open up and trust them. It’s all a show, though, because they’re not a true confidante. In the back of their mind, they’re thinking of how they can leverage your insecurities against you. For example, when you say “no” to their request, they’ll throw your secrets back in your face to exert power over you. They’ll shame and embarrass you to get what they want.
5. They guilt-trip you.
A common tactic narcissists use when they expect you to comply with them is guilt-tripping. If you can’t see them because you’ve already got plans, they’ll make you feel guilty for going out by saying something like, “When you leave, it shows me you don’t prioritize our relationship.” This can make you change your plans and give them what they want.
6. They rescue you.
You might feel loved by the narcissist who will drive two hours to come to your assistance when you fracture an ankle, or who will go to work late so they can help you change your tire on the side of a highway. But here’s the thing: by trying to rescue you, they’re setting up a power dynamic—them being the hero and you being the damsel. This creates a situation where you feel as though you have to repay them.
7. They “forgive” you for your transgressions.
It’s common for a narcissist to deflect blame and point the finger—they gaslight you into thinking you’ve done something wrong, even if you’re not at fault. Then, they’ll tell you that they forgive you. It’s their twisted way of showing you kindness. When they do something to hurt you soon after, they’ll hold their act of kindness over your head, expecting forgiveness in return.
8. They try to be a martyr.
A narcissist might sacrifice their own needs and desires as though they’re solely doing this to make you happy. They expect you to praise them and thank them constantly for doing this. For example, they might keep asking you if their actions made you happy. They don’t actually care if it makes you happy, they just want to receive as much gratitude as possible, while making you feel indebted to them.
9. They create and solve drama.
Narcissists will create conflict and then resolve it, all to make you feel like they’re working so hard on the relationship. Yup, it’s twisted! For example, they might organize a vacation and then pick a fight with you just before you go. They’ll cancel the trip in the heat of the moment, upsetting you. To make you feel better, they’ll book another trip to a more luxurious location to make you happy again. They’re hoping you’ll overlook the conflict and see their act as selfless, but it’s all a ploy.
10. They give you all their time.
When you first start dating a narcissist, they might be available 24-7 and want to see you every day. Although it might make you feel that they really like you, they’re doing this so that they can use it to manipulate you later on. For example, when you have other commitments and can’t spend every waking moment with them, they’ll make you feel guilty for not being as available to them as they’ve been to you. They expect you to make them the center of your world, which is unrealistic!
11. They threaten to withdraw support.
Narcissists are malicious. Although they’ll give you lots of love and attention, if you don’t comply with what they want, they’ll threaten to walk away from the relationship, explaining that you’re not meeting their needs. Or, if they’d previously promised to help you start a business, they might later manipulate you by threatening to withdraw support if you don’t do what they want. They love leaving you hanging and making you dependent on them.
12. They expect special treatment.
Narcissists expect you to treat them like the most important person in the world. They have high expectations that are difficult to meet. For example, in public, they might expect you to only speak to them. If you give other people some of your attention, they’ll sulk. Or, on their birthday, they might want you to reserve a table at the most exclusive restaurant. If you don’t, they’ll get angry because it’s not good enough. They do this to make you work harder to please them and prove your love. It’s exhausting.
13. They play the victim.
They love doing things to get your sympathy so that you make them a priority. This is all a part of their manipulative game to make you feel like you have to prove your dedication to them. For example, when you have an important work meeting or job interview, they’ll call you up desperate for your help with something urgent. It’s a sneaky ploy to get you to drop everything for them.
14. They promise future rewards.
To get what they want from you, narcissists will promise to do something for you at a later stage. For example, if they demand that you plan a lavish birthday party, they’ll say, “Oh, if you do this for me, on your birthday I’ll buy you a fancy car.” They do this to gain your commitment, meanwhile, they don’t have any intention of fulfilling their promise when the time comes.
15. They use your loved ones to pressure you.
A narcissist will go out of their way to impress your loved ones and gain their trust. Once they’ve established these alliances, they’ll use them to their advantage. For example, they might tell your loved ones lies about you, such as that you’re being unfair to them, even though they’re at fault. You’ll feel pressure from your loved ones who’ll tell you how amazing your partner is and how much they care. The result? You feel indebted to them for being so caring and they win.
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