Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they manipulate situations to make you look like the villain while they play the innocent victim. Their tactics are designed to frustrate you, wear you down, and push you into reacting in ways that they can then use against you. If you’ve ever walked away from an argument feeling like you were tricked into defending yourself for something you didn’t even do, you’re not imagining it. Here are the ways narcissists flip the script—and how you can take back control.
1. They Act Eerily Calm To Make You Feel “Unhinged” When They Trigger You
Nothing makes a narcissist look more reasonable than you losing your temper while they stay eerily calm. They will push your buttons, make condescending remarks, and gaslight you into frustration, all while maintaining a composed, almost bored expression. The second you react, they’ll throw their hands up and say, “See? This is exactly what I’m talking about!” Suddenly, you’re the one who looks irrational, and they come off as the level-headed one who just wants peace. Psychology Today reports that narcissists often maintain a calm demeanor to make their partner appear unstable by comparison, a tactic known as ‘reactive abuse.’
The best way to counter this is to refuse to give them the reaction they’re looking for. Recognize when they’re trying to bait you and disengage before you reach your breaking point. A simple, “I’m not having this conversation right now,” and walking away can strip them of the power they crave. Keeping your composure frustrates them because it stops them from getting the emotional payoff they’re looking for.
2. They “Confide” In Your Friends About How Hard It Is To Deal With You
Narcissists love to control the narrative, especially when it comes to how others see you. One of their favorite tactics is playing the “concerned partner” to your friends, subtly planting seeds of doubt about your stability or behavior. They’ll casually mention how “worried” they are about you, how they “just don’t know what to do anymore,” all while portraying themselves as the patient, understanding one. This makes you look bad before you even get a chance to defend yourself. The National Domestic Violence Hotline warns that “abusers may attempt to isolate their partners by turning friends and family against them through subtle manipulation and false narratives.”
If you start noticing that your friends are treating you differently or seem to be questioning your side of the story, this could be why. The best way to counter this is by maintaining your own relationships outside of the narcissist’s influence. Keep open lines of communication and don’t be afraid to tell your own truth. The more grounded and consistent you are, the harder it is for their manipulation to stick.
3. They Act Incompetent At Basic Tasks To Make You Feel Responsible
Narcissists love to make life difficult in ways that seem minor on the surface but are incredibly frustrating over time. They’ll “forget” how to do basic household chores, mess things up on purpose, or do things so badly that you eventually stop asking them to help altogether. If you call them out on it, they’ll act hurt or defensive, accusing you of being controlling or impossible to please. Over time, this forces you into a position where you’re doing everything yourself while they sit back and pretend they’re just “not good” at those tasks. According to the experts at Psych Central, “weaponized incompetence is a common manipulation tactic used by narcissists to avoid responsibilities and frustrate their partners.”
The best way to handle this is by refusing to let them off the hook. If they do something poorly on purpose, make them fix it. Don’t redo their work or pick up the slack. If they claim they don’t know how to do something, tell them to figure it out. The less you enable their learned helplessness, the less power they have to manipulate you into over-functioning for them.
4. They Pick Fights Right Before Bed, So You Stay Up Overthinking
One of their most insidious tactics is ruining your ability to rest. They’ll start an argument right before bed, say something upsetting, or bring up an unresolved issue, leaving you emotionally raw while they roll over and go to sleep like nothing happened. This tactic ensures that you spend the night spiraling while they sleep peacefully, further reinforcing their control over your emotional state. Relationship counselors at Verywell Mind point out that “narcissists may deliberately disrupt their partner’s sleep patterns as a form of control and emotional manipulation.”
The way to counter this is by setting a firm boundary around bedtime. If they try to start something late at night, shut it down immediately. Say, “We’re not talking about this right now,” and refuse to engage. If you’re already worked up, try journaling, deep breathing, or listening to something soothing to clear your mind. Protecting your peace is more important than letting them drag you into an exhausting cycle.
5. They Create Fake Emergencies So You Feel Bad About Calling Them Out
Narcissists have a way of shifting the focus back onto themselves whenever they’re in the wrong. The moment you bring up an issue or hold them accountable for something, they suddenly have a crisis. Maybe they’re suddenly sick, dealing with a work emergency, or going through some emotional turmoil that conveniently prevents them from addressing the problem. This forces you to either drop the issue or feel like a terrible person for pushing it.
The way to stop this is by refusing to let their “emergency” derail the conversation. Acknowledge it, but don’t let it overshadow the issue at hand. Say, “I understand that, but we’re still going to finish this conversation later.” By holding your ground, you stop them from using distractions as an escape route.
6. They Play Dumb To Make You Doubt Your Own Words
If you’ve ever tried to explain something to a narcissist and found yourself repeating the same thing over and over because they act like they don’t understand, you’ve experienced this tactic firsthand. They’ll pretend to be confused, misinterpret your words, or act like what you’re saying is unreasonable until you start doubting yourself. Over time, this makes you feel like you’re the problem for expecting basic understanding.
The best way to counter this is to stop engaging the moment you realize what they’re doing. If they pretend they don’t understand, say, “You heard me the first time,” and move on. Refuse to get stuck in the cycle of over-explaining yourself to someone who is pretending not to get it on purpose.
7. They Pretend To Be “Wounded” To Make You Feel Like The Bad Guy
Narcissists are experts at flipping the script when they sense they’re losing control. The moment you start standing up for yourself, setting boundaries, or calling them out on their behavior, they suddenly become the victim. They’ll look hurt, act withdrawn, or even start crying to make you feel like you’ve gone too far. Suddenly, the conversation shifts from their toxic behavior to you having to comfort them, leaving you questioning whether you were too harsh.
This tactic is meant to disarm you. Instead of staying focused on what they did wrong, you find yourself apologizing just to keep the peace. The way to counter this is by recognizing the pattern and refusing to fall for it. If they try to manipulate you with guilt, stay calm and say, “I understand that you’re upset, but that doesn’t change the issue at hand.” This keeps the focus on the real problem instead of letting them escape accountability.
8. They Turn The Argument Around To Make You Feel Selfish
Whenever you try to express a concern or need, a narcissist will flip it around to make it seem like you’re being unreasonable or demanding. If you ask for more quality time, they’ll say, “So now I’m not doing enough for you?” If you express frustration about something they did, they’ll respond with, “Oh, so everything is my fault now?” They twist your words to make you feel guilty for even bringing it up, making you second-guess whether you’re asking for too much.
This is a way to shut down your complaints before they even begin. The best way to handle this is by refusing to let them redirect the conversation. Instead of getting defensive, stick to your point. Say, “This isn’t about making you the bad guy. It’s about me expressing my feelings, and I need you to listen.” Holding firm keeps them from shifting the blame onto you.
9. They Make You Feel Like You’re “Too Sensitive”
Narcissists love to make their victims feel like their emotions are the problem rather than their own behavior. If you get upset about something they did, they’ll brush it off with, “You take everything so personally,” or, “You’re always so dramatic.” Instead of acknowledging how their actions hurt you, they make you question whether you’re overreacting.
This tactic is designed to make you distrust your own emotions. The key to stopping it is by standing firm in your feelings. When they try to minimize your reaction, calmly state, “My feelings are valid, and I don’t need you to approve of them.” The more confident you are in your own emotions, the less power they have over you.
10. They Play The Victim In Every Story They Tell
Narcissists have a way of rewriting every situation to make themselves look like the innocent party. They’ll tell stories where everyone else was wrong, cruel, or unfair to them, while they were just an innocent bystander. Over time, this creates a false narrative that makes you feel like you have to protect or defend them, even when they were the ones in the wrong.
Pay attention to how they talk about past relationships, work conflicts, or friendships. If they’re always the victim, it’s a red flag. The way to handle this is by asking neutral questions like, “Is there another side to the story?” or “How did they feel about what happened?” Narcissists hate being challenged on their version of events, but it’s an effective way to break their cycle of manipulation.
11. They Keep Bringing Up Your Past Mistakes
Even when an argument has nothing to do with the past, a narcissist will dig up your old mistakes and throw them back in your face. Whether it was something minor from years ago or something you’ve already apologized for, they use it as ammunition to keep you feeling guilty and off balance. Instead of focusing on the current issue, you find yourself defending something that should’ve been left in the past.
This tactic is designed to make you feel like you don’t have the right to call them out because you’re not “perfect” either. The way to shut it down is by refusing to engage. If they bring up old mistakes, say, “I’m not going to rehash something that’s already been addressed. We’re talking about what’s happening right now.” This stops them from derailing the conversation and keeps the focus on their actions.
12. They Twist Your Words To Make You Look Like The Aggressor
Narcissists are masters of taking things out of context to make you seem unreasonable. You might calmly express a boundary or concern, but they’ll repeat it back in a way that makes you sound harsh or cruel. For example, if you say, “I need some space right now,” they’ll twist it into, “Oh, so you don’t even want to be around me anymore?” This forces you into defending yourself rather than standing by your words.
The best way to counter this is by not letting them control the narrative. When they twist your words, simply say, “That’s not what I said, and you know it.” Stick to what you originally meant and don’t waste energy defending yourself against something you never said in the first place.
13. They Act Like You’re The One Who’s “Hard To Deal With”
Instead of addressing their own toxic behavior, narcissists will frame the relationship dynamic as if you’re the problem. They’ll sigh, roll their eyes, or say things like, “Why do you always make things so difficult?” or, “I can never do anything right with you.” These statements are meant to make you feel like you’re the unreasonable one and make them look like the exhausted, patient partner who just wants peace.
The way to break this pattern is by refusing to take the bait. When they try to shift the blame onto you, calmly say, “I’m not responsible for how you perceive me. I’m just expressing how I feel.” Keeping your tone neutral and refusing to defend yourself shifts the power dynamic back in your favor.
14. They Give You The Silent Treatment Until You Apologize
Narcissists use the silent treatment as a way to control and punish their partner. If you challenge them, call them out, or set a boundary, they might shut down completely—ignoring texts, refusing to talk, or acting like you don’t exist. This can last for hours, days, or even weeks, depending on how much they want to make you suffer. The goal is to make you so uncomfortable that you end up apologizing just to end the tension, even when you weren’t in the wrong.
The best way to counter this is by refusing to play into their game. If they withdraw to punish you, don’t chase them. Give them the same space they’re demanding and focus on yourself. When they realize their silence isn’t controlling you, they’ll either drop the act or escalate in another way. Either way, it’s a sign that they don’t have the hold over you they thought they did.
