When a narcissist feels like they’re losing control, their entire demeanor shifts. Gone is the charm, the fake kindness, and the calculated compliments. In its place? A ruthless, manipulative attack designed to keep you in check. Whether it’s through emotional warfare, gaslighting, or straight-up character assassination, they’ll do whatever it takes to regain control. If you’ve ever found yourself blindsided by a narcissist’s sudden hostility, here’s exactly what’s happening behind the scenes.
1. They Turn Off The Charm And Turn On The Snark
At first, narcissists are often charming, flattering, and full of warmth. But the second they feel threatened, that charm turns ice-cold. They start making passive-aggressive comments, sarcastic remarks, and “jokes” that are actually insults in disguise. As reported by Simply Psychology, “Narcissists understand the power of emotions and use them to manipulate their victims. They learn your triggers and study your vulnerabilities, so when they feel they are losing control, they can exert their dominance and reinforce their self-importance.”
This is their way of signaling that their perception of you has changed. Where you were once someone to impress, you’re now someone to put in your place. The goal is to make you doubt yourself, feel small, and second-guess your worth. If you notice a drastic shift in their demeanor, it’s not your imagination—it’s their way of reminding you that their approval is conditional.
2. They Start Infiltrating Your Friends And Family With Lies
A narcissist’s worst fear is losing control, and one of their go-to tactics is to get ahead of the narrative. If they feel like you’re pulling away, they’ll start planting seeds of doubt in the minds of people around you. Raised by Wolves notes that narcissists “will do anything to get [attention].”
They might tell your friends you’ve been “acting different” or suggest to your family that you’re being “overly emotional.” The goal is to isolate you by making others question your credibility. That way, if you ever try to call them out, they’ve already built a defense team who thinks they’re the victim. Pay close attention to anyone who suddenly starts viewing you differently—it might be a sign they’ve been fed lies.
3. They Start Name-Calling And Slinging Insults
When subtle manipulation doesn’t work, narcissists go for the jugular. They’ll start calling you names, making cruel comparisons, and pointing out every perceived flaw they can find. What once seemed like playful teasing turns into outright verbal attacks.
They do this because they know how damaging words can be. A narcissist’s insults aren’t random—they’re specifically designed to target your deepest insecurities. Whether it’s about your intelligence, appearance, or past mistakes, they’ll throw whatever they can at you in an attempt to break you down. The best thing you can do? Don’t engage. Their words only have power if you let them.
4. They Remind You They Know All Your Weaknesses And Insecurities
Narcissists are experts at collecting personal information. While they might have once used this knowledge to make you feel special, when things turn sour, they use it as ammunition. According to Elephant Journal, narcissists use “The flaws, shortcomings, insecurities and secrets you’ve confided in the narcissist about” as ammunition against you.”
They’ll drop hints that they “could” expose something embarrassing about you or casually mention a mistake you made years ago just to remind you that they have dirt on you. This veiled threat is meant to keep you in check—because if they can’t control you through affection, they’ll control you through fear. The more private information you’ve shared with them, the more leverage they think they have.
5. They Find A Third Person To Triangulate You
Narcissists don’t fight fair. When they feel like they’re losing, they bring in a third person to gang up on you. This could be a mutual friend, a coworker, or even an ex-partner they suddenly start talking about all the time. The Counselling Directory explains that “By introducing a third party into the mix, the narcissist creates competition: They pit people against each other, fostering a sense of competition for their attention, approval, or affection.”
Triangulation is meant to make you feel jealous, insecure, or isolated. It’s their way of saying, “See? You’re replaceable.” Whether it’s comparing you to someone else or making sure you know they have other people who “agree with them,” the goal is to make you question your worth and fight for their approval.
6. They Provoke You Until You Blow Up
If a narcissist can’t win the argument, they’ll try to make you lose your cool instead. They’ll push your buttons, dismiss your feelings, and act smug until you finally snap.
The second you raise your voice or say something out of frustration, they’ll play the victim. “See? This is why I can’t talk to you.” Suddenly, they’re the calm and reasonable one, and you’re the “unstable” person who overreacts. This is one of their most dangerous tactics because it makes you look like the problem while they come off as completely innocent.
7. They’ll Start Making Thinly Veiled Threats
When narcissists feel backed into a corner, they won’t always make direct threats—but they’ll come close. They might say things like, “I wouldn’t want to see you regret this” or “You have no idea what I’m capable of.” These statements are intentionally vague, giving them deniability if you call them out.
The goal is to make you afraid without giving you solid proof to act against them. If you ever feel unsafe, trust your instincts. Even if they claim they’re “just talking,” their words are meant to manipulate and intimidate you.
8. They Find Someone Else To Put Them On A Pedestal
Nothing bruises a narcissist’s ego more than losing their position of power. So, if they feel like they’re losing control over you, they’ll quickly seek validation elsewhere.
This could mean suddenly showering a new person with attention, parading a new relationship around, or acting overly affectionate with someone in front of you. It’s not about them moving on—it’s about making sure they still feel adored. They need to prove (to themselves and to you) that they’re still desirable, and they’ll do whatever it takes to get that external validation.
9. They Start Changing Up The Story So They Seem Like The Victim
When a narcissist feels like they’re losing control, they’ll start rewriting history to make themselves look like the innocent one. Suddenly, every argument was your fault, every issue was because of your “mood swings,” and they were just the loving, patient person who tried to make things work.
This tactic is designed to shift blame and manipulate the narrative in their favor. If they tell the story enough times, they start to believe it themselves. They’ll twist past events, exaggerate your reactions, and conveniently leave out the parts where they were actually in the wrong. The goal is to make themselves look like the martyr while making you question if you were ever right to stand up for yourself in the first place.
10. They Gaslight You Into Questioning Your Reactions
Narcissists love to make people doubt themselves. The moment you start pushing back, they’ll accuse you of “overreacting,” “being dramatic,” or “twisting things.” They’ll downplay their actions and make you feel like you’re the unreasonable one for calling them out.
Over time, this constant gaslighting can make you second-guess your own memory and emotions. You start wondering, “Am I really being too sensitive?” or “Maybe they didn’t mean it that way.” This is exactly what they want—if you doubt yourself enough, you’ll stop holding them accountable. The best way to counter this is to trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is.
11. They Guilt-Trip You When You Start Setting Boundaries
When a narcissist realizes they can’t manipulate you the way they used to, they’ll resort to guilt-tripping. They’ll suddenly act hurt, confused, or betrayed, saying things like, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
Their goal is to make you feel bad for protecting yourself. They’ll act as if setting boundaries is an attack against them rather than a necessary step for your well-being. They might even bring up old favors or “sacrifices” they made for you to make you feel like you owe them. Don’t fall for it. Healthy people respect boundaries—narcissists see them as obstacles to control.
12. They Project Their Bad Behavior Onto You To Shift The Blame
Narcissists are notorious for accusing others of the very things they’re guilty of. If they’re lying, they’ll call you dishonest. If they’re emotionally manipulative, they’ll say you’re the one playing games. This is their way of flipping the script and avoiding responsibility.
Projection allows them to avoid looking inward and keeps you on the defensive. Instead of focusing on what they’ve done, you’re suddenly in a position where you feel like you have to prove you’re not the problem. The best way to handle this? Don’t engage. The more you defend yourself, the more power you give them.
13. They Publicly Humiliate You Under The Guise Of “Just Joking.”
Narcissists love using public humiliation as a power move. They’ll make cutting remarks about you in front of others, then laugh and say, “Relax, I was just kidding.” But the jokes are never harmless—they’re designed to embarrass and undermine you.
By doing this in front of other people, they get to take a jab at you while keeping their hands clean. If you react, they’ll accuse you of being too sensitive or not being able to take a joke. The only way to deal with this is to call them out directly. A simple, “That wasn’t funny,” or “If you were joking, why does it feel like an insult?” will put them on the spot.
14. They Act As If They’ve “Moved On”
When a narcissist can no longer control you, they’ll pretend they don’t care. They’ll act indifferent, as if losing you doesn’t bother them in the slightest. But behind the scenes? They’re still monitoring you, bringing you up in conversations, and watching your every move.
They’ll go out of their way to show how “unbothered” they are—posting things on social media, flaunting new relationships, or making indirect jabs meant for you to see. But deep down, they’re fuming. They don’t know how to handle losing control, so they try to convince themselves (and others) that they never cared in the first place.
15. They Become “Concerned” Something Is Wrong With You
When all else fails, a narcissist will flip the script and start acting like they’re worried about you. Suddenly, they’re the compassionate one, expressing deep “concern” for your well-being, mental state, or decision-making. But make no mistake—this isn’t genuine care. It’s a last-ditch effort to regain control by making you feel like you’re the problem.
They’ll say things like, “I just don’t think you’re acting like yourself lately,” or “I’m worried about you—I hope you’re not making impulsive choices.” They’ll frame themselves as the reasonable one while subtly planting doubts in your mind. If they can’t manipulate you with intimidation, they’ll try to manipulate you with pity.
