Assertiveness is all about the ability to speak up and stand up for what you want confidently. The problem that some people encounter is that in doing so, they end up coming across as rude or aggressive. You never have to be mean or nasty to people when expressing yourself or trying to get them to see your point of view. Here’s how to find a bit of a better balance.
1. Stay calm.
Stop freaking out! If you’re calm when you’re explaining your opinion or asking for something you want, your words will be much better received by others. If you’re angry or nervous, it will make you seem aggressive or insecure. The best way to get your message across is by doing so in a really measured and chilled way.
2. Use open body language.
Your body language shouldn’t clash with your assertiveness by making you come across as aggressive. Make sure it’s open — maintain eye contact, stand with your arms at your sides instead of folded across your chest, and have good posture. Also, make sure you don’t scowl or give anyone any kind of death glare!
3. Stick to your boundaries.
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If you want to ask someone to stop an upsetting behavior, have some boundaries in mind beforehand. If they don’t agree to your request, you can use your boundary to prevent the situation from becoming more hostile. For example, your boundary could be to leave the conversation if you’re disrespected or ignored.
4. Keep it simple without the sass.
While you want to be direct, you don’t have to be short, blunt, or rude. If you’re asking your co-worker not to use your ideas during meetings, use “I” statements. For example, “When you take my ideas in meetings, I feel hurt because I’ve put so much work into them. I’d prefer if you don’t do that again.” Take ownership of your feelings — it’s empowering!
5. Keep your stress under wraps.
If you’re anxious or have a lot on your plate right now, this could cause you to become rude or irritable because the conversation is adding more stress to your pile of irritations. By dealing with your stress in a healthy way — try meditating or journaling about your problems — you’ll be able to enter the discussion with a clear head.
6. Restate your feelings.
When telling someone what you feel or want, sometimes the other person will try to state their case or override what you’re saying with excuses or rebuttals. To prevent you from being rude or allowing the conversation to become heated, restate your initial point and stick to it. This cements your position and shows them there’s no room for movement.
7. Try to see the positive in the other person’s tactics.
If you need to ask someone to correct their behavior because it’s negatively affecting you, it can help to compliment them before making your request. For example, you could say, “I know you’re great at planning birthday parties, but I feel like my wishes for my party are being neglected, so I’d like to take over from here.” This validates them and ensures they’re less likely to feel attacke.d
8. Keep your voice low.
You want to be calm during the conversation to keep stress at bay while regulating your emotions, so avoid raising your voice. If you scream or yell, it’s rude and gives the impression that you’re losing control of the situation. Keep your voice low and level to exude confidence. You don’t have to shout to get your point across.
9. Show interest in what the other person is saying.
Assertiveness is about stating your case while also respecting what the other person has to say. Be open to listening to the other person and engaging with them. You could also ask them questions to better understand where they’re coming from. That doesn’t mean you need to change your POV, just that you need to respect theirs too.
10. Use a bit of humor.
Making a light joke when being assertive can help you to prevent a stressful situation from getting out of hand. So, if you’re upset that your friend’s always checking their phone, you could say, “I feel like I’m boring you so much, you’re desperate for someone to rescue you!” Of course, you’ll have to be careful with humor. Too much of it can make the other person think you’re just kidding and that they don’t need to take what you’re saying seriously.
11. Try to find solutions.
If you want something that clashes with what your friend wants, this could lead you to a dead-end. It’s a good idea to suggest that you both find a solution together so that you can move forward and find some common ground. This approach also works well to show the other person that you’re on the same team.
12. Use polite phrases.
When asking someone to do something for you, it’s respectful to use words or phrases such as, “please” and “I’d appreciate it if…” For example, “I’d really appreciate it if you could do this for me.” When what you’re asking looks a bit like a favor, it can land in a non-rude way.
13. Explain why you’re saying “no.”
If the tables are turned and someone is asking you to do something for them but it clashes with your values, you need to say “no.” You might feel awkward about how to go about it. Although “no” is a complete sentence, it helps to be polite about it. You could say something like, “I don’t feel comfortable doing that” or “It sounds great, but I’m too tired to attend.”
14. Rehearse your words beforehand.
To ease your nerves about being assertive with someone, it can help you to role-play with a friend beforehand or just speak in front of the mirror. This will help you practice what you want to say and gain the confidence to say it while fine-tuning your politeness.
15. Focus on the behavior, not the person.
If expressing something negative, focus on the person’s behavior, not their character. For example, if your partner leaves their laundry lying around, you could say, “Please can you pick up your things in the lounge, I feel stressed when the house is a mess” instead of, “You’re so untidy! I hate it!” This prevents you from attacking who the other person is at their core.
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