Manipulators are sneaky people who creep into your life looking like the most amazing partners or best friends in the making. Meanwhile, they’re toxic and trying to use you. Stop it before it happens! Here are 15 signs you’re dealing with a manipulator and how you can protect yourself.
1. They send you flowers when they don’t know you.
This is classic love-bombing behavior that’s a red flag you’re dealing with someone who’s trying to control and manipulate you. By making you like them, they can push your boundaries and get what they want from you. Basically, they’re super-sweet to get you where they want you! The best way to deal is to pace yourself instead of getting caught up in the whirlwind romance.
2. They make you come to them.
Someone with manipulative tendencies wants you to cater to their needs. This can seem pretty innocent, like if they suggest that you travel to their neighborhood restaurant so they don’t have to make an effort to come to you. Or, if they want you to go to their apartment for dates. If this is always happening, it’s a power play so they can feel more in control of the situation and their environment. Try shake things up by suggesting they come to you and see how they react.
3. They use “never before” statements.
You know you’re dealing with someone manipulative when they make it seem like they’ve never met anyone like you before. Yup, it’s flattering, but don’t buy it so quickly. They might be hinting that you’re gonna be BFFs or you’re destined to be together romantically, but avoid gushing or swooning. Let them see that you’re not easy to fool. If you come across as unimpressed, it’ll make them think twice about manipulating you.
4. They put you down in subtle, non-confrontational ways.
Manipulators don’t usually launch with brutal comments that hurt your feelings. They work their way up to being malicious. So, initially, they’ll belittle you with subtle comments, like “I know you’re not technical so you won’t understand this user manual…” or “I love your fashion sense – it’s so unusual.” These comments serve to test the water so they can see if you get offended or if you give them the benefit of the doubt and let them get away with it.
5. They say “just kidding” a lot.
Although they come across as charming and charismatic, they might make you the butt of their jokes. Of course, they’ll pretend they’re just playing around with you or teasing you when you express hurt at their comments. But don’t stand for it. Tell them how their comments make you feel so that you set boundaries they can’t cross. Understand that if you allow them to cross your boundaries once, they’ll think they can do it every time.
6. They find any excuse for their behavior.
If they do something that’s hurtful or upsetting, a manipulative person will find ways to dodge their actions. They don’t want to take responsibility for their wrongdoings, so they’ll use any excuse under the sun to get away with it. Oh, and it’s always someone else’s fault. They do this to convince you that they’re flawless. The best way to handle it is to keep track of the facts of the situation and what they’ve done so you can remind them of it. Don’t let them get away with it!
7. They one-up you.
Many people are manipulative because they suffer from low self-esteem. They overcompensate for this by trying to appear perfect, which is why they’ll constantly try to one-up you. Oh, you enjoy delicious wine in Italy? They own a vineyard. You ran a mile yesterday? They run two every day! You always feel like you can’t win. To deal, the best thing to do is understand insecurity is driving their behavior. You don’t have to take the bait because their comments say more about them than you.
8. They make you change yourself.
Although they might not try to tweak your traits and behaviors right off the bat, someone who’s manipulative will indirectly make you feel like you can’t be yourself. Maybe you tiptoe around them because you don’t want to upset them, or you hide your real feelings so you don’t get criticized by them. Start showing more of your personality so that you stop censoring yourself. The more you show them that you’re a confident, self-assured person, the less they’ll be able to get into your head.
9. They project their issues onto you.
Manipulators project their insecurities and fears onto you. So, if they suspect you of cheating or lying to them, chances are they’re guilty of doing that behavior to you. The thing is, they try to avoid guilt and lack self-reflection. You can help them become aware of their behavior by calmly saying, “I get what you’re saying, but it’s not about me.” Then, disengage so they can’t hurt you.
10. They snip you away from your social circle.
Manipulators want you all to themselves, so they’ll encourage you to step away from other people you care about. They’ll do this by making you believe that your loved ones don’t care about you. It’s sneaky to make you choose them over everyone else, but it’s crucial to be confident and know your value. Set boundaries so you don’t allow them to make you cut out other people you love. You deserve to have a rich, full life.
11. They’re all about themselves.
Someone who’s manipulative only cares about what they want – sorry, but they don’t actually care about you or your needs. So, they’ll dominate conversations, they’ll interrupt you, and they only want to talk about their own stuff. Yawn. To deal with this, make them aware of their behavior. Explain how it makes you feel when they try to steamroll over you or lack the empathy to acknowledge your feelings.
12. They call you “crazy.”
Once they get to know you, manipulators will break you down with hurtful names, like by calling you “dramatic” or “crazy.” They do this to gaslight you into submission, making you question your memory and version of reality so they can feel superior and in control of the situation. Call bluff on ’em! Be confident as you call out their lies. If they see that you’re unaffected by what they say, they’ll realize they can’t control you.
13. They hammer down your boundaries.
Narcissists and other manipulators like to chip away at your boundaries, like when you say “no” to doing what they want. They’ll try and try to persuade you because this makes them feel superior to you and dominate you. Stick to your boundaries like a lifeline and they’ll have no way to use or control you. They might throw a temper tantrum or guilt-trip you, but don’t let them get their way.
14. They expect you to be a people-pleaser.
To get their way and use you for your resources, a manipulator will want – no, expect! – you to cater to all their needs. Basically, they want to turn you into a doormat. See what happens when you prioritize your needs over theirs. They’ll lash out or guilt-trip you so you backtrack and appease them. The thing is, you’re not designed for being walked all over. You’re independent with healthy boundaries. Boost your self-esteem with healthy activities, such as doing things you love and achieving your goals, so you can’t be shaken.
15. They leave you on “read.”
One minute a manipulator will be showing you tons of affection and the next they’ll be avoiding your texts or calls. What’s up? Although confusing, bear in mind a manipulator wants you to feel confused and unsettled by their actions. This is a power move to get what they want and make you behave in a way that’s in line with their needs. It’s so dodgy. To deal, surround yourself with people who remind you that you don’t deserve such cruel treatment. Avoid giving in by pleading with them for their attention – that’s what they want, which means you’re not going to give it to them. Okay?
