16 Brutal Truths About Being Single AF

There comes a point in time in all long term singles‘ lives when we slip into odd habits and routines that can only form when you’re single af. Aside from the attempts at dating, while living our day to day lives, we develop new idiosyncrasies and encounter moments where we’re like, “Is this really happening right now?”

You’re incapable of sharing a bed.

Even if you do end up having a slumber party with a new man you’re dating, you pretty much leave him with side bed scraps and hog the blankets. Or you sleep basically on top of him while he struggles to breathe through your hair on his face.

You talk to your pet/yourself often.

Little Fluffy is probably sick of your crap because you baby talk/complain/cry/get hot mess drunk and talk his face off constantly. You also talk to yourself routinely, and then question your sanity for doing so.

Netflix routinely asks you if you’re still watching.

Umm, yes, Netflix, I’m still binge watching the crap out of Pretty Little Liars. I know I’ve been watching it for nine hours straight now. Stop judging me.

Cooking for one is really annoying.

So is eating leftovers for three days straight, because no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to avoid cooking enough spaghetti to feed a small village.

Dry spells are the absolute worst, but you’re also lazy.

Sure, Tinder is there if you really want to bite the bullet and sack a complete stranger just to kill the urges, but that’s too much effort. So you just eat some Chipotle instead. Next best thing.

Friday nights are for pajamas and wine.

Because it’s seriously the most perfect way to end the work week, and going out after a long week is a lot of work. No thanks.

Some days, you don’t shower or open the curtains.

Some days you’re downright gross. Lazy days mean LAZY ASS days. The only time you’ll even think about opening the door is for the delivery guy.

You legit waste hours on social media sometimes.

You’ve probably gone off on a social media tangent plenty of times. It starts off innocent, just scrolling away, and before you know it, you’re on your best friend’s co-worker’s ex-fiance’s dog’s Instagram account and three hours have gone by like the wind.

You only go out when it’s really worth it.

Or you’re incredibly bored and have finally ended the shower famine. Because sometimes you just need to get dolled up and pretend you’re still a real person.

You only go on dates with people who seem really worth it.

Because you’ve been single for what seems like eternity, you’ve probably done your fair share of dating and are way, way more selective in who you leave the house for. They’d better be worth putting pants on for, or they sure as hell won’t ever be taking them off.

Your grocery store clerk knows you now and asks how your cat is doing.

Because all you routinely buy is milk, eggs, bread, and cat food. How’s little Fluffy doing?

You’ve stopped asking people for help.

Because you’ve used up all your “help me with this thing I can’t do/move in my apartment” cards and starting YouTubing your way to answers. The good news is you can do things on your own now.

Adele songs make you miss people you’ve never even met.

When Adele dropped her new single “Hello,” you started crying at thoughts of that one time you saw the handsome man in the Starbucks line and never said anything. Hello, it’s me.

You’ve gone out completely solo.

When you can’t find someone to check out the new movie you’re dying to see or have a drink at that swanky new lounge in town, you say “Screw it!” and go by yourself. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet someone and have a rom-com moment… or maybe you’ll just drink too many martini’s and pass out on your hallway when you get home. Either way, it’s a win.

You get overly excited about new prospects you actually like.

When you do actually start dating someone you like, you really like him and you’re not afraid to show it. It’s just that you’re soooo excited to go on ALL the dates!

You convince yourself all of the above is why you’re forever alone.

But you won’t be. As long as you keep showering and leaving the house from time to time to gamble on a relationship, you’ll eventually escape your single AF status.

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