16 Crap Excuses People Use To Get Out Of Uncomfortable Situations

You’re no longer in school, so you probably stopped using the “my dog ate my homework” excuse years ago. Unfortunately, some bad habits are hard to break, and instead of leaving the excuses at the graduation door, you’ve just added a whole bunch more to your vernacular. We’re all guilty of using and abusing some of these, but we also hate it when they are used against us. Here are 16 excuses we’re all a little more than tired of hearing (even from ourselves):

  1. “I didn’t have my phone.” Unless you’re over the age of 80 and actually don’t have your phone in hand 24 hours a day, nobody believes you. Interesting how you were able to check in at your neighborhood bar on Facebook and post pics on Instagram without your phone…oh that’s right, you take your laptop with you everywhere you go. It’s not that you have to answer your phone, just stop lying about it.
  2. “My phone died.” It probably did since you’re using it 24 hours a day, which is why no one will ever believe number one. But your phone charger has become as essential as your wallet, and we know you aren’t leaving home without it. Plug up and respond to your texts, the Tinder swiping can wait.
  3. “I fell asleep.” Sure, we can all use a little siesta every now and then, but did you not ever wake up? How is this relevant six days later?
  4. “I was busy.” Newsflash, we’re ALL busy! This just makes it sound like you think your time is more valuable than anyone else’s. And let’s be honest, what were you busy doing? Catching up on every city of the Real Housewives?
  5. “I forgot.” This one is probably the most offensive of them all. Why would anyone want to make plans with someone who can’t even bother to remember them? Even if you did forget, say something else came up and use the calendar on that coveted phone of yours already.
  6. “I’m too tired.” Whether it is too tired to make dinner, meet up with friends, go to the gym, or have sex, someone’s always too tired to do something. Drink a redbull or five (get your wings), and let’s get the show on the road.
  7. “JK!” They say that there’s an ounce of truth behind every joke, so stop hiding behind your “just kidding”s and stand up for what you really believe. It’s a total cop out to say you were joking just because someone didn’t like what you had to say.
  8. “It’s not you, it’s me.” Oh, we know it’s you, but we’re going to need a little more information to back this up. Why get off the first stop on the excuse train when you can keep riding on into how your relationship with your ex really did you in or how you became number 9…
  9. “I’m love sex.” Every cheater’s go-to excuse. Not to say that there is no such thing, but there are a lot more people out there who are just jerks than there are people with sex obsessions. You’re probably just an jerk, so own it.
  10. “It’s not mine.” Whether you’re talking about a kid, illegal drugs, or a picture of your penis, there are ways to prove that whatever “it” may be is yours. Call off the appearance on the Maury Povich show and the drug sniffing dogs, and admit what’s yours.
  11. “I don’t know him/her.” Despite them liking every single thing you have ever posted on social media and sending you 100 emoji filled texts a day, you’re still going to try to plead ignorance? You know them, and your denial is simply telling us how well.
  12. “I was drunk.” This seems to be everyone’s ‘get out of jail free’ card, but if you’re constantly in need of using your alcohol consumption as an excuse for bad behavior, perhaps “I’m an alcohol abuser” is a better fitting excuse.
  13. “I got stuck in traffic.” Unfortunately this happens to the best of us, but if you would’ve left on time, you probably wouldn’t have hit the traffic jam causing you to be an additional 30 minutes late. And when you “get stuck in traffic” every single time you’re supposed to be anywhere, maybe it’s time to find a new route, or at least a new excuse.
  14. I’m on my period.” Great excuse for getting out of doing things with boys (like sex), but using this one on your girlfriends is just sad. You’ve been getting it every single month for almost twenty years, so it’s time to get used to it and plan ahead.
  15. “I don’t feel well.” Everyone gets sick every now and then, but if you’re as sick as often as you say you are, it’s probably time to go to the doctor and get checked because it sounds like you have a deadly disease. Or hypochondria. Or just a habitual hangover.
  16. “I can’t afford it.” Maybe you really can’t afford to go grab a $10 burrito, but it sure doesn’t seem like it when you’re having multiple packages delivered to your doorstep everyday and bragging about how much money you make.
Rachael is an award winning stand-up comedienne, freelance writer, and BravoTV superfan. Her Real Housewives tagline is “The only thing bigger than my boobs are my personalities.” In her spare time, she keeps busy catering to the needs of a very spoiled Siberian Husky, (Paris Hilton), cleaning the skeletons out of her closet (to make room for more shoes), and swiping left to everyone on Tinder. Follow her on twitter @therealplandd.