You know that feeling when something feels off in a relationship, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? Maybe you’ve brushed it off, thinking you’re being too sensitive or reading too much into things. Here’s the thing—some of the most damaging forms of narcissistic abuse are disguised as perfectly normal behaviors. They’re the kind of actions that might even make you question your own judgment when you try to explain them to someone else. Let’s break down these sneaky tactics that narcissists use to maintain control while keeping their hands clean.
1. Criticizing You “For Your Own Good”
They hit you with harsh “truths” about yourself, always under the guise of helping you improve. It’s the friend who consistently points out your flaws during vulnerable moments, or the partner who critiques your appearance right before important events. They’ll say things like “I’m just looking out for you” or “Someone had to tell you,” making their cruelty seem like a favor.
What makes this especially twisted is how they’ll later reference these moments as evidence of their caring nature, telling others how they’re always “honest” with you because they value the relationship so much. The real kicker? When you try to return their brand of “honesty,” they’ll immediately paint you as hostile and mean-spirited, as Psychology Today points out.
2. Conveniently Forgeting Their Bad Behavior
They remember every tiny mistake you’ve made but somehow completely blank on their own harmful actions. When you bring up how they hurt you last week, they’ll look at you with genuine confusion, swearing it never happened or that you’re remembering it wrong. It’s wild how they can recall the time you were five minutes late to dinner three months ago, but totally forget about screaming at you in public yesterday.
This selective memory isn’t just forgetfulness—it’s a calculated move to make you doubt your own recollection of events, as Psychology Today explains. They’ll confidently rewrite history, leaving you wondering if you’re the one who’s actually misremembering things. And the more you try to stick to your guns about what really happened, the more they’ll insist you’re the one with the faulty memory.
3. Making Plans Without Consulting You
They regularly commit you to social events, family gatherings, or even vacation plans without ever asking if you’re free or interested. The plans are always presented as a done deal—”I told my parents we’d be there for Christmas” or “I signed us up for that couples’ retreat next month.” They act like they’re just being proactive and helpful, taking care of the planning so you don’t have to.
But this isn’t thoughtful planning, it’s about control and showing others that they can speak for you. When you express any hesitation or try to back out, they’ll make you feel guilty for “ruining everything” or “being difficult.” They might even tell others that you’re the flaky one who always changes plans at the last minute, completely erasing the fact that you never agreed to these commitments in the first place.
4. Taking Credit For Your Ideas
Your brilliant suggestion from last week’s meeting suddenly becomes their revolutionary insight in front of the boss. They don’t just borrow your ideas, they completely rewrite the narrative to make themselves the sole creative force behind any successful project you’ve touched. You’ll sit there in shock as they enthusiastically describe “their” breakthrough moment, using the exact words you used when you first shared the idea with them.
The real manipulation comes when you try to speak up about it. They’ll either gaslight you by claiming they thought of it first (a common manipulation tactic, as noted by Psych Central), or they’ll minimize your contribution by saying something like “Oh, we all contributed to the brainstorming” or “I just took your basic concept and made it actually workable.” They’ve mastered the art of stealing credit while making you seem petty for even noticing.
5. Giving Gifts That Are Actually For Them
They love buying you things—but weirdly, these gifts often align perfectly with their own interests or benefit them directly. Like getting you a gaming console when you’ve never shown interest in video games, but they’re an avid gamer. Or buying you clothes that are completely different from your style but match what they want you to wear. The presents come with strings attached, usually in the form of expectations about how and when you’ll use them.
These gifts become weapons later on, pulled out as evidence of their generosity whenever you express any dissatisfaction in the relationship. They’ll remind you about that expensive watch they bought (that you never wanted) or the fancy dinner they treated you to (where they invited all their friends without asking). Each gift becomes a debt you owe them, held over your head to keep you in line.
6. Making Jokes That Cut Deep
Their humor has a sharp edge that always seems to target your insecurities, as Psych Central explains. They’ll make cutting remarks about your weight, career choices, or family dynamics, but always with a laugh that dares you to object. If you show any sign that their “jokes” hurt you, they’ll roll their eyes and tell you to lighten up—after all, they tease everyone this way, right? But pay attention and you’ll notice their jokes never punch up, only down.
The real damage comes from how these jokes isolate you socially. In group settings, others might laugh along uncomfortably, not wanting to make a scene. This leaves you feeling unsupported and wondering if you’re being oversensitive. Over time, you might start declining social invitations just to avoid being the butt of their “hilarious” observations, which is exactly what they want—you, isolated and easier to control.
7. Sharing Your Secrets Under The Guise of “Concern”
They take your private struggles and broadcast them to others, always framing them as seeking help on your behalf. Your confidence about job stress becomes fodder for group conversation as they “worry” about your mental health to anyone who’ll listen. They’ll share intimate details about your relationship problems with their friends, family, and sometimes even your coworkers, all while acting like they’re just trying to get you support.
The betrayal cuts deeper because they’ve effectively weaponized your trust against you. When confronted, they’ll act shocked that you’re upset—after all, they were just trying to help! This pattern creates a chilling effect where you stop sharing anything personal with them, which they then use as evidence that you’re “closed off” or “don’t trust them enough.” It’s a lose-lose situation designed to make you look unstable while they appear caring and concerned.
8. Playing Favorites With Your Kids
They create an obvious golden child and scapegoat dynamic among siblings, but make it seem like they’re just “recognizing each child’s unique qualities.” One kid gets lavish praise and rewards for basic accomplishments, while another’s genuine achievements are minimized or ignored. They’ll justify this treatment with seemingly logical explanations—”Well, Dylan just needs more encouragement” or “Riley is naturally gifted, so we need to push her harder.”
The long-term damage comes from how they pit the children against each other while maintaining plausible deniability. They’ll encourage competition while pretending to promote excellence, create arbitrary rules that favor certain kids while claiming fairness, and gaslight both children about the obvious preferential treatment. The worst part? This behavior often creates lasting rifts between siblings that extend well into adulthood.
9. Using Your Schedule To Control You
They demand constant updates about your whereabouts and activities, disguising it as care and interest in your life. They’ll text repeatedly asking for your ETA, call to check if you’re really where you said you’d be, and require detailed explanations for any deviation from your usual routine. All of this is presented as them being thoughtful and wanting to make sure you’re safe, especially if you live together or share parenting responsibilities.
The control becomes clear in how they react to any spontaneity on your part. A quick coffee with a coworker becomes an interrogation about why you didn’t give advance notice. A slight delay in responding to their texts triggers a flood of messages about how worried they are. Over time, you find yourself informing them of every minor schedule change just to avoid the drama, effectively giving them veto power over your time.
10. Making Grand Gestures After Bad Behavior
After particularly cruel episodes, they shower you with extravagant apologies and over-the-top displays of affection. It’s not just flowers—it’s dozens of roses delivered to your workplace. It’s not just saying sorry—it’s a social media post declaring their love and gratitude for you. These gestures are designed to be so big and public that refusing to accept them makes you look ungrateful or unforgiving.
This pattern becomes more insidious as it creates a cycle of abuse and reward that’s hard to break. The grand gestures serve multiple purposes: they make you question whether the abuse was “really that bad,” they create public evidence of what a great partner they are, and they establish a narrative where you’re the difficult one if you don’t immediately forgive and forget. Plus, they’ll reference these moments for months or years afterward as proof of their devotion, even as the harmful behavior continues.
11. Giving Backhanded Compliments About Your Appearance
Their compliments always come with a subtle dig or a comparison that makes you feel slightly worse about yourself. It’s the “You look so much better when you make an effort like this” comment when you dress up, or the “That outfit is really flattering, it hides your problem areas” observation. They’ve mastered the art of delivering these remarks with just enough positivity that calling them out makes you seem ungrateful.
The real manipulation lies in how these comments slowly chip away at your self-image while making you dependent on their approval. They’ll strategically mix in genuine compliments just often enough to keep you guessing, and they’ll unleash the backhanded ones at moments when you’re feeling most confident. Over time, you start dressing and presenting yourself in ways that please them, just to avoid those subtle jabs.
12. Making You Feel Guilty For Having Other Friends
They don’t outright forbid you from seeing your friends—they just make it increasingly difficult and uncomfortable to maintain those relationships. They’ll point out your friends’ flaws, question their intentions, or create conflicts that make social gatherings awkward. Every time you make plans without them, they respond with guilt-inducing comments like “I guess I’ll just stay home alone again” or “Remember when we used to spend time together?”
The isolation happens gradually as they work to position themselves as your primary relationship. They’ll create emergencies that require you to cancel plans, monopolize your free time with “important” conversations that can’t wait, and react with hurt feelings when you prioritize other friendships. The really twisted part is how they’ll later complain that you’re “too dependent” on them, even though they orchestrated this dependency.
13. Taking Over Your Space Without Permission
They gradually colonize your personal space under the guise of convenience or practicality. It starts small—leaving some clothes at your place, rearranging your kitchen because “it makes more sense,” or deciding to redecorate your living room as a “surprise.” Each change is presented as a thoughtful gesture or an improvement, making it difficult to object without seeming unreasonable or ungrateful.
The deeper issue is how this physical takeover reflects their overall attitude toward boundaries. They treat your space, possessions, and choices as extensions of themselves, something they have the right to modify or control. When you try to maintain some areas as your own, they’ll act hurt and confused, suggesting that your desire for personal space means you don’t truly love or trust them. This creates a no-win situation where you either surrender your autonomy or become the bad guy.
14. Using Your Mental Health Against You
They weaponize your anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges to undermine your perception and control your behavior. When you raise concerns about their actions, they’ll suggest you’re “having an episode” or that your medication might need adjusting. They become amateur psychiatrists, diagnosing your reactions to their abuse as symptoms of your mental health issues.
This gaslighting becomes more sophisticated over time as they learn to use therapeutic language against you. They’ll talk about how your “trust issues” are damaging the relationship when you question their suspicious behavior, or how your “abandonment fears” are making you overreact to their genuine need for space. The cruel irony is that their behavior often exacerbates your mental health challenges, creating a vicious cycle they can exploit.
15. Making Everything A Competition (That You Can’t Win)
Every aspect of life becomes an unspoken contest where they always need to come out on top. If you share good news, they immediately one-up you with their own achievement. If you’re going through a tough time, they’ll hijack the conversation to talk about how they’ve overcome even worse challenges. They might even compete with you over who’s more tired, more stressed, or who had the worst day.
They need to be better than you at your hobbies, closer to your friends, and more popular at your workplace. But if you ever actually outperform them at something, they’ll either diminish your achievement or have a crisis that requires immediate attention and support, effectively stealing your moment. It’s an exhausting game where the rules constantly change to ensure you can’t win.
