Emotional abuse is something that many people endure, but don’t always see. While physical abuse is clear—hitting, punching, kicking—emotional abuse can be subtle and hidden. However, emotional abuse can have a lasting impact on a person. Abuse in any form is damaging. Emotional abuse can be detrimental to a person’s mental health, making it hard to trust or handle people moving forward. It’s important to spot the ways people can be emotionally abusive to combat it early on.
1. “You’re acting crazy.”
It’s normal and natural to have emotional responses when arguing with someone or talking to someone about a delicate situation. When the other person begins saying that you are acting crazy, it’s a form of gaslighting to make you feel as though your feelings are invalid. This is a form of emotional abuse because you begin to second-guess if you actually are acting irrationally.
2. “I already explained and you’re still going on about it.”
Sometimes, it takes a while for you to get past something or get over it. That’s healthy when you are hurt or upset. When someone guilts you for still feeling bothered, they’re doing so to make you feel as though you’re in the wrong. Despite them being the ones who were the aggressors, they turn themselves into the victims.
3. “You should be more thankful.”
We all have greatness in our lives, but there are times when we feel down and crappy about where we’re at. Sometimes, people may guilt you for feeling this way, pointing out all of the things you should be grateful for, and pressuring you to be more thankful for what you have. Although there are others who have it worse than we do, that doesn’t mean we can’t feel our feelings.
4. “That never happened.”
When a person tries to deny ever doing anything wrong, it’s pure manipulation and abuse. Their purpose is to actually make you feel as though you are insane and maybe imagining things that went down between you two. It’s the most subtle way to control any situation.
5. “This isn’t yelling. Do you want to hear yelling?”
If a person raises their voice at you and is called out on it, they may feel embarrassed and ashamed. Instead of owning it, however, they will deny it by “yelling” or “being loud,” and threaten to go even further. This showcases that they cannot control themselves, and want you to cower and back down.
6. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Emotionally abusive individuals will use this phrase instead of actually communicating and responding. When they say this, it essentially shuts down any conversation and forces you to either walk away or drop it entirely. Many times this phrase comes out when that person has done something super hurtful.
7. “Everyone else agrees with me.”
Using others in a two-person conversation or argument is a way for people to manipulate your thoughts and feelings. When they’re trying to prove a point, they want to make sure you know it’s right—even if it’s wrong. Saying others agree with them, while not true, is a manipulation tactic to make you wonder if people really do agree with them.
8. “What, you can’t take a joke?”
Hurtful phrases and harmful behaviors are never funny if they hurt you. When you confront someone who does something that bothers you, they will try and take the heat off of themselves by claiming it’s a “joke.” They’ll then double down by saying you take yourself too seriously if you can’t take a joke. In turn, you drop it, because you don’t want to be so stiff.
9. “There is something wrong with you.”
Gaslighting someone into thinking that something is wrong with them is a pure form of emotional abuse. This is a way to make you question yourself and anything you think or do. You start to wonder if you really are the problem, and not whatever is happening between you two.
10. “I’ve done so much for you, you owe me.”
Guilt is emotional abuse because it shows that the other person only helped you to hold it over your head later on. They use any favors or gifts as leverage in order to gain pure control over you. Someone may have lent you money to get you out of a bind, or maybe they got you a really expensive gift for a birthday or anniversary. These things, however, are never done without strings attached. The moment you have a disagreement, they will bring it up to you over and over again.
11. “All you do is live in the past.”
When you’ve been hurt or wronged by someone, you may keep it in the back of your mind to see if the behavior is ever repeated. If it is, and you bring it up again, their go-to line may be that you live too much in the past—they just want you to move forward and forget it entirely. However, realize that this is simply a way for them to “get off the hook,” rather than wanting you to be better for yourself.
12. “You think you’re so smart.”
If you do anything to showcase you may be more knowledgeable about something, they may use your intelligence against you. They want you to humble yourself and stay quiet, and this is a common gaslighting technique. They want you to see your intellect as a weakness, not a strength.
13. “This is why no one likes you.”
Emotional abusers want you to feel isolated and alone, questioning the world around you. Claiming that no one likes you corners you into feeling as though you need this one person because you have nobody else. Then, in turn, you put up with their behaviors.
14. “That’s not what I meant.”
When they say something toxic and you get upset or angry, they’ll immediately backtrack. Backtracking is a form of emotional abuse because at one point, the person did mean that, or else they would have never done or said it at all. This technique is used to make you feel crazy—they want to paint you as irrational.
15. “You’re really overthinking it.”
When someone says you are just “overthinking it,” they want you to believe that however you feel and whatever you’re unhappy about is because you got “in your head.” If you just accepted this person, and their destructive behavior, you wouldn’t have a problem at all. But, because you stepped back and thought about it, you realized you deserve better— now they’re trying to play more mind tricks on you.
16. “Don’t worry about this right now.”
When you confront a situation head-on, but they’re not ready to admit it or face it, they’ll push it off as though it doesn’t matter. This is a subtle form of emotional abuse because the other person tries to push the issue aside, saying it’s not the real focus at the moment. They may never bring it up again, but you still feel unhappy about what happened.
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