1. My Journey to Healing My Marriage After Realizing the Problem Was ‘Me’
Part of the “As Told To” series.
Meet Nadia, 30. Here, she shares her story of feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage.
“At 38, my marriage was falling apart, and I swung between sadness, loneliness, and rage. After 12 years together, we hardly talked, let alone touched. Everything he did irritated me, and I was overflowing with resentment. I wanted to fix things but didn’t even know what was broken. Then it hit me—I was becoming my mother.
My parents fought constantly, and my mother treated my father like garbage. I swore I’d never repeat that cycle, but here I was. As a child, I’d learned to shut down to protect myself and play the “blame game.” The realization was brutal—but freeing. I started therapy to address my trauma, learned to open up, and stopped outsourcing my happiness to my husband.”—Nadia Shore, PA.
Continue reading to explore unhealthy relationship patterns and how to change them > >
2. You Hold Grudges Without Even Realizing
It’s normal to feel hurt after an argument, but holding onto that resentment for days, weeks, or even years? That’s toxic. You might think you’ve let it go, but if you’re still bringing up that one time they forgot your anniversary five years ago, chances are, you’re carrying more bitterness than you realize. According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman from The Gottman Institute, holding grudges is one of the “Four Horsemen” that can predict the end of a relationship, as it creates emotional distance and erodes trust over time.
Grudges poison communication and intimacy. They create emotional distance and leave your partner walking on eggshells. The key is recognizing when you’re holding on just to feel righteous or “right.” Ask yourself if holding onto this grudge is worth sacrificing peace in your marriage. Most times, it’s not.
3. You Shut Down Instead Of Talking Things Out
When things get tense, do you retreat? Maybe you disappear into another room, avoid eye contact, or give one-word answers just to shut the conversation down. Shutting down might feel safer than facing conflict head-on, but it actually makes problems worse. It leaves your partner feeling isolated and confused, and it kills healthy communication. Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family indicates that emotional shutdown or “stonewalling” during conflicts can lead to decreased relationship satisfaction and increased likelihood of divorce.
The truth is, uncomfortable conversations are necessary for growth. Avoidance just delays the inevitable and adds tension. Instead, try leaning into the discomfort and expressing even the messy emotions. Vulnerability is hard, but it’s the foundation for deeper connection.
4. You Act Suspicious Because You Never Learned to Trust
If you’re always suspicious—checking their phone, questioning their whereabouts, or reading between the lines for signs of betrayal—it’s time to ask yourself why. Is it because they’ve genuinely broken your trust, or are you bringing past relationship fears into this one? According to research from the University of Denver, trust is a crucial component of relationship satisfaction, and couples who struggle with trust issues are more likely to experience relationship distress.
Healthy love can’t thrive without trust. Constant suspicion doesn’t protect you; it just erodes connection. If trust is hard for you, communicate that openly. Let your partner in on your fears, and give them the chance to prove you wrong. But don’t sabotage the relationship by assuming the worst when they’ve done nothing to deserve it.
5. You Blame Them For Everything Without Looking In the Mirror
If every bad day ends with you lashing out at your partner, that’s a red flag. Yes, relationships are about supporting each other, but that doesn’t mean your partner is responsible for your emotions. Blaming them for your stress, frustration, or bad moods creates unfair pressure and resentment.
It’s okay to lean on them, but it’s also important to recognize when you’re projecting. Own your feelings instead of expecting them to fix them. You’re allowed to be in a bad mood—but it’s not their fault, and it’s not their job to fix it.
6. You’ll Do Anything To Avoid Having to Apologize
Apologizing is tough. It means admitting fault, which can feel like vulnerability. But refusing to say sorry—offering excuses, shifting blame, or acting like nothing happened—only deepens the divide. Avoiding an apology might save your pride in the moment, but it damages trust in the long run.
Real love is about accountability. Saying, “I was wrong,” or “I hurt you, and I’m sorry,” doesn’t make you weak—it makes you courageous. It opens the door to healing and reminds your partner that their feelings matter to you.
7. You Use the Silent Treatment As A Weapon
Ignoring your partner to punish them isn’t just immature—it’s emotional warfare. Silence can be more painful than words, creating distance and confusion. It doesn’t solve problems; it just forces your partner to beg for resolution or suffer in uncertainty.
If you need space, say that. “I need time to think” is healthier than disappearing into silence. Communication isn’t just about words—it’s about showing up emotionally, even when it’s uncomfortable. The sooner you stop using silence as a weapon, the sooner you can rebuild trust.
8. You Demand Change But Refuse to Change Your Ways
It’s easy to point fingers and list all the ways your partner needs to improve. But are you holding yourself to the same standard? Relationships aren’t one-sided. If you’re expecting change, you have to be willing to offer it too.
Growth is mutual. If they need to listen more, maybe you need to communicate more clearly. If you want them to show more affection, maybe you need to appreciate the ways they already express it. Healthy relationships are about evolving together—not issuing ultimatums from a distance.
9. You Expect the Impossible From Them
Maybe you expect them to always say the right thing, anticipate your needs, or somehow know what’s bothering you without you having to say it. But the truth is, no one’s a mind reader, and no one gets it right all the time.
Unrealistic expectations set your partner up to fail. The key is to communicate what you need instead of expecting them to figure it out. No, they can’t read your mind—but they can listen if you’re honest about what you’re feeling.
10. You Talk (and Blame) But Never Really Listen
There’s a difference between hearing and listening. If you’re always waiting for your turn to speak, or you’re thinking of your next argument instead of understanding their perspective, you’re not really listening. And when people feel unheard, they shut down.
Listening is an active choice. It means setting aside your own narrative and focusing on theirs. It means asking, “Did I understand that right?” and really caring about the answer. Listening is one of the simplest ways to show love—and one of the most powerful ways to heal conflict.
11. You Expect Them To Fix Problems They Don’t Even Know About
If you avoid acknowledging issues in your relationship but still expect your partner to “just know” and fix things, you’re setting the stage for disappointment. You can’t expect solutions to problems you refuse to name. Hoping your partner will read between the lines or magically know what’s wrong isn’t fair, and it only breeds resentment.
Healthy relationships are built on honesty. If something’s bothering you, say it. Don’t expect them to guess or assume they’ll figure it out eventually. Be upfront, even if it’s uncomfortable. That’s how problems get solved—by admitting they exist and facing them together.
12. You Criticize Them Over Every Little Thing
When was the last time you genuinely complimented your partner? If you can’t remember, but you can list every time you criticized them this week, that’s a problem. Constant criticism wears down love. It makes your partner feel like they’re failing, even when they’re trying their best.
Of course, you’re allowed to be honest about frustrations, but balance matters. For every critique, there should be a compliment. Notice the little things they do right and say thank you. Love grows where it’s appreciated. Neglect that, and it starts to wither.
13. You Overreact Emotionally But Get Upset When They Lose Their Cool
If you lash out, raise your voice, or say hurtful things in the heat of the moment—but expect your partner to stay calm and rational—you’re playing by unfair rules. It’s unreasonable to expect emotional control from someone you’re actively provoking.
Healthy love means holding yourself accountable. If you react emotionally, be ready to accept that it might trigger an emotional response in them too. Focus on responding instead of reacting. Take a breath, take a beat, and approach the conversation with the calm you’d expect from them.
14. You End Conversations When You Feel Triggered
No one loves difficult conversations, but avoiding them doesn’t make the problem go away—it just buries it until it explodes later. If you’re always walking away, changing the subject, or pretending everything’s fine, you’re delaying the inevitable.
Hard conversations are how relationships grow. They create space for understanding and deeper connection. Yes, they’re uncomfortable, but discomfort is temporary. Avoidance? That leads to permanent distance. Lean into the discomfort. Speak up, even when it’s hard. That’s how real healing starts.
15. You Bring Up Their Past Mistakes Again and Again
If you keep throwing past mistakes in your partner’s face every time you’re upset, you’re not arguing to resolve anything—you’re arguing to hurt. Holding mistakes over someone’s head doesn’t fix the problem; it just deepens the wound and erodes trust.
If an issue is truly resolved, let it stay in the past. If it’s still bothering you, bring it up for the sake of closure, not for winning an argument. Love isn’t about keeping score. It’s about growing together and allowing space for mistakes and forgiveness.
16. You’ve Created a Mental Checklist Of Things They’ll Never Be Good At
If you find yourself mentally checking off everything your partner does “wrong,” it’s time to ask why you’re holding them to such an impossible standard. Are you focusing on their faults to avoid looking at your own? Or are you setting them up to fail because it’s easier than working through the tough stuff?
No one is perfect. And love isn’t about ticking off boxes—it’s about accepting imperfections and choosing them anyway. Let go of the mental checklist and start focusing on what they bring to the relationship, not just where they fall short. That’s the only way to create space for real, healthy love to thrive.
