When we think of narcissists, we often think they’re loud, self-centered people who are easy to spot. But not all narcissists are so obvious. Some come across as charming, kind, and even helpful at first. These “nice” narcissists use more subtle, manipulative tactics to control the people in their lives. If you notice these 16 behaviors, you might be dealing with a covert or “nice” narcissist.
1. Their Compliments Always Have a Little Dig in Them
At first, their compliments seem nice, but if you look closer, you’ll find that there’s often a hidden jab. Maybe they say something like, “You’re so confident to wear that,” or “You’re really good at that… for someone with no training.” They manage to make you feel self-conscious while hiding insults in their compliments. It’s a sneaky way to undermine your confidence without being overt.
2. They Always Find a Way to Be the Victim
Even when they’re clearly in the wrong, a “nice” narcissist will subtly twist things so they seem like the one who’s been wronged. They might say things like, “I was just trying to help, but you always take it the wrong way,” or, “I can’t do anything right with you, can I?” This is a tactic to make you feel guilty for bringing up valid concerns, and suddenly, they’re the one who needs comforting.
3. They’re Generous, But There’s Always a Catch
At first glance, they might seem incredibly generous. They’ll offer to help, buy you gifts, or do you favors. But beware, there’s always an expectation attached. If you don’t return the favor or give them the praise they seek, they’ll subtly hold it against you later. Their kindness isn’t out of the goodness of their heart; it’s for manipulation.
4. Their Apologies Don’t Feel Genuine
A “nice” narcissist will apologize, but their apologies often come with a twist. They’ll say something like, “I’m sorry if you felt that way,” which shifts the responsibility onto you, or they might apologize to end the conversation without really meaning it. These apologies are more about keeping up appearances than taking real accountability.
5. They Offer Advice You Didn’t Ask For
Even if you’re not looking for input, a “nice” narcissist will give you unsolicited advice as a way to let you know they’re more knowledgeable or capable. While they might frame it as trying to help, it’s a ploy to establish a sense of superiority. They want you to feel like you can’t handle things without their all-knowing wisdom.
6. They Know How to Make You Feel Guilty
If you don’t do what they want, a “nice” narcissist has a way of making you feel bad about it—without ever directly blaming you. They might say something like, “I thought you cared about me,” or “I guess I was wrong to think we were closer than that.” These subtle guilt trips manipulate your emotions and get you back in line.
7. They’re Supportive—Until You Outshine Them
A “nice” narcissist will cheer you on, but only as long as your success doesn’t outshine theirs. The moment you do something that makes them feel threatened, all that support fades, and they’ll quickly downplay your achievement with comments like, “That’s great, but don’t let it go to your head,” or, “Well, that’s just luck.” They can’t handle someone else stealing the spotlight.
8. They’re Always Talking About How Generous They Are
A “nice” narcissist loves to make sure everyone knows just how kind and generous they are. They’ll bring up the good things they’ve done, even if nobody asked. This is because they crave validation. Their actions are less about genuine kindness and more about painting themselves as a good, selfless person everyone admires.
9. They Can’t Handle Even the Mildest Criticism
Even though they come across as agreeable, a “nice” narcissist truly can’t stand any form of criticism. If you give them even mild feedback, no matter how gentle, they’re bound to respond with passive-aggressive remarks like, “I guess I’m just never good enough for you,” or, “I’m always the one who’s wrong, huh?” It’s an easy way of deflecting blame and avoiding responsibility.
10. They Subtly Undermine You in Front of Others
A “nice” narcissist knows how to make you look bad without being obvious about it. They might correct you in public, joke about your mistakes, or make you feel small in front of your friends—and they’ll do it all while keeping a smile on their faces. It’s a nasty tactic where they ensure you don’t outshine them in social settings.
11. They Keep Score of Everything They’ve Done for You
To a “nice” narcissist, relationships are purely transactional and be sure that they’re always keeping track of what they’ve done for you. If they feel you haven’t repaid their kindness in the way they expect, they’ll subtly remind you by saying things like, “Remember when I helped you with that?” or, “I’ve always been there for you.” Favors are never really favors with a narcissist—they’re a form of emotional debt.
12. They Act Humble to Fish for Compliments
They might act self-deprecating or overly humble, saying things like, “Oh, I’m not that great,” or, “I don’t know why people like me.” Though they think highly of themselves, the real purpose is to get you to reassure them and build them back up with plenty of praise and compliments. This false humility is another way to draw attention and validation from those around them.
13. They Love a Good Sob Story
A “nice” narcissist will frequently share stories about how hard their life has been or how much they’ve suffered. These tragic tales are meant to tug at your heartstrings and keep you emotionally invested in them. Don’t confuse this for genuine vulnerability—it’s just a tactic to keep the focus on them and garner plenty of sympathy.
14. They Criticize You Under the Guise of Concern
A “nice” narcissist knows how to wrap their criticism in concern, saying things like, “I’m just worried about you,” or, “I only want what’s best for you.” Sure, they might sound caring, but these comments are often meant to make you second-guess yourself and beg for their approval.
15. They Rarely Take Full Responsibility for Their Actions
When they mess up, they’ll find a way to avoid taking the blame. A “nice” narcissist might say things like, “I only acted that way because you upset me,” or, “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have reacted that way.” They rarely take proper responsibility for their actions. Instead, they make it seem like their behavior was justified because of what you did.
16. They Use Flattery to Keep You Hooked
A “nice” narcissist knows how to use flattery to keep you close. They’ll compliment you excessively and make you feel special and appreciated. But this flattery is always tied to their own needs. Watch the flattery disappear as soon as you stop giving them what they want. Their compliments are purely about manipulating you into staying in their orbit.