16 Terrible Ways To Break Up With Someone

Not everyone can be like the queen of conscious uncoupling, Gwyneth Paltrow, but it doesn’t take a genius (or a movie star) to know that there are just certain things you do not do to a person you (used to) love. You may be ready to call it quits, but the other person still deserves your respect. Here are the 16 absolute worst ways to breakup with someone:

  1. In the car. Because no matter how bad things are, they’re only going to get worse when you’re trapped in an enclosed space with the person you just told you never want to see again. It would probably be better if you waited until you’ve reached your destination, as long as your destination is home.  The same goes for trains, planes, and all other forms of transportation you can’t easily jump out of.
  2. Via text. They used to say it was bad form to break up with someone over the phone, but now you should consider yourself lucky if you found someone who can still pick one up to dial your number. That would definitely be preferred over a text of the ‘no’ sign sandwiched between a boy and a girl emoji.
  3. On Gchat. For those with balls too small to even text, some people are actually using Gchat to end their relationships. One minute you’re just “hanging out” and the next you’re completely out of their “circle”.
  4. A post-it note. Berger did it to Carrie over 10 years ago and we’re still pissed about it. It’s by far one of the most impersonal ways a person can end things since it doesn’t give the other person a chance to respond – not to mention the minimal explanation you could actually fit on that tiny colored square. As Samantha said, “That is one concise jerk.”
  5. At a wedding. Choosing the best day of someone’s life to ruin someone else’s is just cruel. Weddings can be hard enough as it is for single people, let alone going as a pair and leaving solo.
  6. On their birthday. A person’s birthday is the one day a year that is supposed to be all about them, not about how much you hate them. Doing it right before isn’t right, either – let them enjoy their day and drop the bomb after it’s passed. And yes, you should still buy them a present.
  7. Doing it on Facebook. Whether you’re actually changing your relationship status, posting something nasty to their wall, or deleting them altogether, it’s not really fair that they’re not the first to know their relationship is over.
  8. By moving out. If you’re living together and decide things aren’t working out, it only makes sense that one of you should move out… but you shouldn’t do this during the day while the other person is at work, texting you about what you want to do for dinner because they have no idea you’re leaving and sticking them with your half of the rent.
  9. On Valentine’s Day. The only thing worse than forgetting that box of chocolates for your special someone on Valentine’s Day is giving them a box of broken conversation hearts. “Don’t Be Mine” is not a good look.
  10. Before a major moment in their career/education. Like the night before a big job interview, a final exam, or god forbid while they are studying for the Bar. This just screams selfishness and immaturity. They’re probably so busy studying/preparing that you aren’t spending a ton of time together anyway, so what’s the rush?
  11. By dating someone else. Too many people think that if they just start dating someone else, you’ll just magically disappear, no questions asked. Of course, once you break up you’re free to date whomever you choose, but break up first – this isn’t Big Love, for Christ’s sake!
  12. On Christmas. Because this screams “I’m a douchebag” AND “I was too cheap to buy you a gift.” Chances are there’s family around, which will just make the whole awkward scene that much more awkward. It’s silent night, not silent treatment.
  13. Waiting for them to break up with you. For those total morons who actually think it is nicer to be an jerk for an extended period of time until they’re forced to break up with you instead of just being up front.
  14. At a bar. Or anywhere where alcohol is present. Drunk people are unpredictable and potentially dangerous, not to mention they might not really understand what is happening. Wait until they sober up before you single up.
  15. On your wedding day. If you didn’t realize until the day of your own wedding that this was a bad idea, you are rude and silly, and that’s putting it nicely.
  16. Ghosting. By far the most dismissive thing you can do to another person by just acting like you don’t exist. It doesn’t matter if you were dating someone for five years or one night, you can’t just make people disappear, Houdini.
Rachael is an award winning stand-up comedienne, freelance writer, and BravoTV superfan. Her Real Housewives tagline is “The only thing bigger than my boobs are my personalities.” In her spare time, she keeps busy catering to the needs of a very spoiled Siberian Husky, (Paris Hilton), cleaning the skeletons out of her closet (to make room for more shoes), and swiping left to everyone on Tinder. Follow her on twitter @therealplandd.