Narcissists are masters of manipulation, and one of their favorite tactics is playing the victim.
This strategy allows them to deflect blame, garner sympathy, and avoid taking responsibility for their actions. It’s a subtle yet powerful form of emotional manipulation that can leave people feeling confused and guilty. Here are 16 ways narcissists use the victim card to their advantage and dodge accountability.
1. They use health issues as an excuse.
Narcissists often exaggerate or even fabricate health problems to gain sympathy and avoid responsibilities. They might dramatically complain about a headache just when it’s time to have a serious discussion, or use a minor ailment as a reason why they can’t fulfill their obligations. This tactic gets them off the hook and makes people feel guilty for expecting anything from them.
2. They bring up past traumas repeatedly.
While past traumas are serious and can have lasting effects, narcissists tend to weaponize them. They’ll bring up past hurts, often unrelated to the current situation, to deflect from their present behavior. This makes it difficult to address current issues, as they constantly steer the conversation back to how they’ve been wronged in the past.
3. They claim they’re “too sensitive” to handle criticism.
When confronted with their behavior, narcissists often claim they’re too emotionally fragile to handle any form of criticism. They might say things like, “You know how sensitive I am,” or “I can’t take this kind of stress.” This puts people in a position where they feel they need to walk on eggshells, effectively shutting down any attempt at honest communication.
4. They use phrases like “You’re making me feel bad about myself.”
This is a classic form of emotional manipulation. By claiming that your legitimate concerns or criticisms are damaging their self-esteem, they make you the bad guy. It’s a subtle way of shifting blame and making you feel guilty for bringing up issues, no matter how valid they might be.
5. They compare their suffering to other people’s.
Narcissists often engage in the “suffering Olympics,” insisting that their pain or struggles are worse than anyone else’s. If you bring up a problem, they’ll counter with how much harder they have it. This not only downplays other people’s experiences but also paints the narcissist as the ultimate victim, deserving of special treatment and exemption from normal responsibilities.
6. They claim they’re being persecuted or ganged up on.
When multiple people express concerns about their behavior, narcissists often claim they’re being unfairly targeted or persecuted. They might say things like, “Everyone’s against me” or “You’re all ganging up on me.” This victim stance deflects from the actual issues at hand and instead focuses on how unfairly they perceive they’re being treated.
7. They use guilt-inducing statements.
Narcissists are experts at making people feel guilty for holding them accountable, Psych Central notes. They might say things like, “After all I’ve done for you…” or “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t treat me this way.” These statements are designed to make you question your own actions and feel bad for expecting basic decency or accountability from them.
8. They claim they’re “doing their best.”
When confronted with their shortcomings or harmful behaviors, narcissists often claim they’re already doing their best. This statement is meant to shut down any expectations for improvement or change. It paints them as a victim of unreasonable expectations, rather than someone who needs to take responsibility for their actions.
9. They threaten self-harm.
In extreme cases, narcissists might threaten self-harm if they’re held accountable. This is a severe form of emotional manipulation designed to shift focus from their behavior to concern for their well-being. It’s important to take such threats seriously, but also recognize that this is a manipulative tactic to avoid dealing with the real issues at hand.
10. They play the martyr.
Narcissists often portray themselves as selfless martyrs who sacrifice everything for other people. They might dramatically declare how much they give up or suffer for everyone else’s sake. This narrative paints them as noble victims, making it difficult to address their harmful behaviors without feeling like you’re attacking a saint.
11. They claim ignorance.
When confronted with their actions, narcissists might suddenly claim ignorance. “I didn’t know,” or “No one told me” become their go-to phrases. This feigned naivety is an attempt to avoid responsibility by playing the victim of poor communication or unclear expectations, even when the reality was likely quite clear.
12. They use crocodile tears.
Some narcissists aren’t above using fake or exaggerated emotional displays to garner sympathy. They might burst into tears when confronted, not out of genuine remorse, but as a way to manipulate the situation. This display of vulnerability is designed to make people feel bad for holding them accountable.
13. They claim they’re being misunderstood.
When their words or actions are called into question, narcissists often insist they’re being misunderstood. They might say, “That’s not what I meant at all,” even when their meaning was clear. This tactic paints them as the victim of other people’s misinterpretation, rather than taking responsibility for their communication or actions.
14. They use their upbringing as an excuse.
Narcissists might frequently reference their difficult childhood or upbringing as a reason for their current behavior. While past experiences can indeed shape us, they use this as a blanket excuse to avoid changing or taking responsibility. It’s a way of saying, “I can’t help it, I’m a victim of my circumstances.”
15. They claim they’re protecting you.
Sometimes, narcissists will frame their harmful or controlling behaviors as acts of protection. They might say, “I’m only doing this for your own good,” or “I’m trying to protect you.” This casts them in the role of a misunderstood hero, making it difficult to confront them about their actual motivations or the harm they’re causing.
16. They use silent treatment as self-defense.
When all else fails, narcissists might resort to the silent treatment, ChoosingTherapy reveals, framing it as necessary for their own emotional protection. They might say, “I need space because you’re attacking me,” even when you’re merely trying to have a reasonable discussion. This tactic avoids accountability and punishes the other person for daring to bring up issues.
