We’ve all been caught in the trap of trying to keep everyone happy, often at the expense of our own needs and boundaries. While being considerate is an amazing quality, chronic people-pleasing can lead to stress, resentment, and burnout. One way to start breaking this habit is by examining the language we use. Let’s get into the common people-pleasing phrases and explore why it’s time to show them the door.
1. “I’m fine.”
How many times have you uttered these two little words when you’re anything but fine? It’s the go-to response for many people-pleasers who don’t want to burden others with their true feelings. But here’s the thing: it’s okay not to be okay sometimes. Try being honest instead with something like, “I’m having a tough day, but I appreciate you asking.”
2. “It’s no trouble at all.”
You’ve just agreed to take on an extra project at work, even though your plate is already full. Your coworker thanks you, and out comes this phrase. But let’s face it…it is trouble. It’s additional stress and time you didn’t account for. Instead, try: “I’m happy to help, but let’s look at my current workload and see how we can make this work.”
3. “I don’t mind.”
This is the chameleon of people-pleasing phrases. Whether it’s about where to eat or what movie to watch, saying you don’t mind when you actually do is a recipe for resentment. Practice expressing your preferences: “I’d really prefer Italian food tonight. How about you?”
4. “I’m sorry” (when you’re not)
Chronic apologizers, listen up! Saying sorry for things that aren’t your fault or don’t warrant an apology diminishes the impact when you really need to apologize. Also according to CNBC, it makes people think less of you—yikes. Instead of “I’m sorry for bothering you,” try “Thank you for your time.”
5. “Yes” (when you mean no)
This might be the hardest habit to break, but it’s crucial. Saying yes to everything leaves no room for the things you truly want to do. Practice saying no: “I appreciate the invitation, but I’m not able to commit to that right now.”
6. “I’ll just do it myself.”
This phrase often comes from a place of wanting to avoid conflict or feeling like it’s easier to just handle things on your own. But it can lead to burnout and resentment. Try delegating instead: “I think this task would be a great opportunity for you to take the lead.”
7. “It’s not a big deal.”
When someone hurts your feelings or crosses a boundary, downplaying it doesn’t help anyone. It’s okay to acknowledge when something impacts you. Try: “Actually, that did upset me. Can we talk about it?”
8. “I should…”
This phrase often precedes things we think we’re supposed to do, rather than what we actually want or need to do. Replace “should” with “want” or “choose” and see how it changes your perspective.
9. “Whatever you want.”
While flexibility is great, constantly deferring to others’ preferences can leave you feeling invisible. Express your opinion: “I have a few ideas. Would you like to hear them?”
10. “I’ll try.”
This noncommittal phrase can be a way of avoiding saying no directly. If you can’t or don’t want to do something, it’s better to be clear about it. “I don’t think I’ll be able to manage that” is more honest.
11. “Don’t worry about me.”
People-pleasers often try to fade into the background, not wanting to be a bother. But your needs and feelings are important too. Instead, try: “I appreciate your concern. Here’s how you can help…”
12. “I guess…”
This wishy-washy phrase undermines your opinions and decisions. Speak with confidence: “In my opinion…” or “I’ve decided…”
13. “I’m just…”
Whether it’s “just checking in” or “just wondering,” this minimizing word can make you seem apologetic for existing. Drop the “just” and state your purpose clearly. According to Psychology Today, using the word “just” increases the possibility you’ll be viewed as deceptive—and no people pleaser wants that!
14. “I’ll do whatever you think is best.”
Respecting others’ expertise? Goo!d! Constantly deferring to others’ judgment? Not-so-good. This can chip away at your confidence in your own decision-making abilities. Try: “What do you think about this situation? I’m leaning towards…”
15. “It’s probably my fault.”
Taking responsibility when appropriate is mature, but automatically assuming blame isn’t healthy. Instead, try: “Let’s figure out what happened and how we can prevent it in the future.”
16. “I’ll get to it eventually.”
This vague promise can be a way of avoiding saying no to requests you don’t actually have time for. Be honest: “I don’t have the capacity to take that on right now.”
17. “I’m flexible.”
Adaptability is a great quality, constantly bending to accommodate others can leave you stretched too thin. It’s okay to have preferences and boundaries. Try: “I’m open to options, but here’s what I’d prefer…”
