Look, I get it. Marriage is tough, and sometimes you find yourself lying awake at night wondering if you’d be better off calling it quits. If you’re wrestling with this decision right now, take a deep breath—you’re not alone. While there are definitely times when ending a marriage is the right call, let’s talk about some reasons you might want to press pause on that decision if you’re not completely sure. Here are seventeen things to think about before you pack your bags.
1. You Haven’t Given Counseling a Fair Shot
The idea of sitting on a couch with your spouse and spilling your guts to a stranger might make you cringe. But here’s the thing: a good therapist can be a game-changer. They’re like personal trainers for your relationship, helping you spot patterns you never noticed and teaching you communication tricks you didn’t know existed. Even if your partner’s rolling their eyes at the idea, suggesting counseling shows you’re willing to put in the work. And hey, you might need to try a couple of therapists before finding one that clicks—that’s totally normal.
2. You’re Getting an Earful from Others
Your bestie who just got divorced might be pushing you to “live your best life,” while your mom’s begging you to stick it out. Meanwhile, your social media feed is full of either perfect couples or fabulous singles living their best lives. Here’s the thing—everyone else’s opinions are shaped by their own experiences, not yours. Take a step back and ask yourself what YOU really want, not what everyone else thinks you should do.
3. You Haven’t Laid All Your Cards on the Table
Have you actually told your spouse how you’re feeling? Like, really told them? So many people think about leaving before having those super uncomfortable but necessary conversations. Your partner deserves to know what’s going on in your head, even if your voice shakes while you’re saying it. Sometimes just getting it all out in the open can be the first step toward fixing things. They can’t read your mind, and they might surprise you with their response.
4. Your Expectations Might Be Way Off Base
We’ve all been fed this fairy-tale version of marriage, right? Movies, social media, romance novels—they’ve got us thinking every day should be butterflies and fireworks. But real love? It’s messier than that. What you’re going through might just be a normal phase that every long-term relationship hits. Think about it—when was the last time you saw someone post about their mediocre Tuesday night dinner argument on Instagram? Sometimes just understanding that marriage isn’t meant to be perfect can take a huge weight off your shoulders.
5. You’re in the Middle of Major Life Chaos
If you’re dealing with a new baby, a job change, a cross-country move, or health issues, your marriage is bound to feel the strain. It’s like trying to evaluate your driving skills in the middle of a hurricane. What feels like marriage problems might actually be life throwing you curveballs. Remember, seasons change, stress levels drop, and babies eventually sleep through the night. Give yourself permission to put big decisions on hold until the storm passes.
6. You Haven’t Done Your Own Inner Work
Ssometimes what we think is a marriage problem is actually our own baggage showing up to the party. Maybe you’re dealing with unresolved stuff from your past, or perhaps you’re going through your own personal crisis. Working on yourself first (hello, individual therapy!) might shed some surprising light on your relationship. Plus, when you start doing your own growth work, it’s amazing how often your partner gets inspired to do the same.
7. The Money Situation Deserves a Hard Look
Let’s not sugarcoat it—divorce can wreck your finances. I’m not saying you should stay just for the money, but have you really crunched the numbers? We’re talking retirement plans, housing costs, and the reality that running two households is way more expensive than running one. Taking time to get your financial ducks in a row isn’t just practical—it might give you the breathing room to work on your marriage without money panic clouding your judgment.
8. Your Kids Are in the Picture
Yeah, yeah, I know—”staying together for the kids” gets a bad rap. But unless there’s serious conflict or abuse going on, research shows kids generally do better with an intact family. This doesn’t mean you’re stuck forever, but timing matters. Think about your kids’ ages, what they’re dealing with in school, and how equipped they are to handle big changes. Remember, they’re probably picking up on more than you think, and they often blame themselves even when we swear up and down it’s not their fault.
9. You’ve Still Got That Physical Spark
If you’re still intimate with your partner—even if it’s not as often as before—that’s actually a pretty big deal. Physical connection, whether it’s sex, cuddling, or just holding hands while watching TV, shows there’s still something there worth exploring. Many couples find that when they work on their emotional connection, the physical stuff naturally improves. And let’s be real—good chemistry isn’t something to take for granted.
10. You’re on the Same Page About the Big Stuff
When you’re frustrated about dirty dishes or work schedules, it’s easy to forget that you and your spouse might actually agree on the things that really matter. Do you share similar values about family, faith, or how to raise your kids? Do you both want the same kind of life in the long run? That kind of alignment is gold, even if you’re currently arguing about whose turn it is to take out the trash.
11. You’ve Got People in Your Corner
Having friends and family who support your marriage (not just you individually) can be huge. These are the people who remind you why you fell in love when you’ve forgotten, who offer to watch the kids so you can have a date night, or who share wisdom from their own relationship struggles. Have you really leaned on these folks? Sometimes an outside perspective from someone who wants your marriage to work can be incredibly valuable.
12. You Can Still Crack Each Other Up
If you can still laugh together, even if it’s just at stupid inside jokes from five years ago, that’s worth its weight in gold. Being able to find humor, especially during rough patches, shows there’s still a real connection there. Many couples say their sense of humor helped them survive the tough times. If you can still make each other laugh, you’ve got something special—don’t underestimate the power of shared giggles.
13. You Haven’t Tried Everything Yet
Beyond the obvious stuff like counseling, there’s a whole world of resources out there. Have you tried a couples retreat? Marriage workshops? Reading relationship books together? Heck, even taking an online course about communication might help. Different approaches work for different couples—maybe traditional therapy isn’t your thing, but a weekend workshop could be just what you need. Don’t throw in the towel before exploring all your options.
14. Your Partner is Actually Trying
If your spouse acknowledges there are problems and is making an effort to fix them—even if they’re not doing it perfectly—that’s huge. A partner who’s willing to grow and change is worth their weight in gold. Maybe they’re not transforming overnight, but if they’re making sincere attempts to do better, that’s something to think about. Real change takes time, and effort counts for a lot.
15, Change Needs Time to Stick
If you or your partner have recently started making changes, remember that new habits take time to form. You can’t overhaul decades of patterns in a few weeks. Sometimes we get impatient when things aren’t perfect right away, but lasting change is more like a slow cooker than a microwave. If you’re seeing effort and small improvements, consider giving it a bit more time before making any big decisions.
16. The Good Still Outweighs the Bad
Here’s a challenge–grab a piece of paper and make two lists: what’s working in your marriage and what isn’t. Be honest, but be thorough. Often, when we’re unhappy, we zoom in on the problems and forget about the good stuff. Your partner might drive you crazy with their bad habits, but are they also incredibly supportive of your dreams? Do they make amazing pancakes every Sunday? Sometimes we need to zoom out and look at the whole picture.
17. Fear Might Be Running the Show
Are you thinking about leaving because you genuinely want to, or because you’re afraid? Afraid of missing out, afraid of being stuck, afraid of what others think? Fear has a way of making us do crazy things, and it’s not always the best advisor. Take some time to sort out whether your urge to leave comes from a clear-headed place or if fear is clouding your judgment. Decisions made from fear rarely lead to happiness in the long run.
