Men really don’t understand how easy they have it. Sure, traditionally they’re supposed to provide for their family, but that’s not that hard to do when they make $1 on the $1 and actually get to decide to wait until later in life to start a family all while not having to wear a bra. Like I said, they’ve got it easy. Here are 17 things men will never have to worry about:
The Gender Wage Gap.
You know, that whole “not making as much money as someone equally as qualified as them who just happens to have different genitalia” thing. Not only do they have to worry about this, but a lot of them have even convinced themselves that this isn’t a real thing. Let’s compare pay stubs, shall we?
Their period being late.
Sure, they may have to worry about YOUR period being late, but even then it’s only on a need to know basis. They don’t have to be bothered with it until you’re so bothered you can’t take it anymore and need to share the stress with someone else. Lucky for those bastards, they never have to worry about a period being on time either. Or cramps. Or bloating. Or monthly adult acne.
Whether or not to have kids/when.
Of course men also think about whether or not they want to have a family, but they don’t have a biological clock ticking inside of them, telling them their time is running out. Larry King, Julio Iglesias, and Clint Eastwood are only a few of the many, many men who are having babies well into their 60s and 70s. Not that that seems like a fun way to spend your retirement, but at least they have options.
Walking in heels.
Not only will they never have to worry about spending more than a months rent on a pair of shoes, but they also don’t have to worry about how they are actually going to walk in those shoes. Calculating the amount of steps it takes to walk from the house to the car and then the car to the destination where you must know how long you will be required to be on your feet before you give up and put on flip flops is no easy task. The struggle is real, y’all.
Fitting everything you need into one clutch.
Because we have more than just a phone, keys, and a wallet to attend to. Lipsticks, safety pins, bobby pins, gum, a mirror, dental floss, perfume, and everything else it takes to keep us looking perfect all night long. They do, however, know how heavy these bags can get when our arms give out and we make them hold them.
If someone else will show up in the same dress.
Unless you dress like Scott Disick (and props to you if you do), all guys clothes look the same. They don’t care if another guy is in the same outfit as them because it’s black tie, every guy is wearing an identical penguin suit. We spend months looking for the perfect dress, so when someone else is dressed as our identical twin panic will ensue.
Getting replaced with a younger model.
Yes, it’s true guys have to worry about being replaced with a richer version, but they don’t have to endure Botox and butt lifts and facial peels just to prolong the inevitable.
The size of their boobs.
Unless they have man boobs, and then they should start stressing a whole lot more. Girls are in a constant battle with their boobs… we’re either the tween who’s freaking out on the daily about having no boobs and then wakes up one day having DDs, or the tween who’s now 35 and still waiting for that morning to come.
Being a single mom.
It’s a lot harder to peace out on your family if you are the mom. Sure, it happens, but there haven’t been one million books written and hours in therapy spent on the motherless epidemic. Stressing about #7 will have you stressing about how you are going to be at 15 places at once when you are carting your kids all over town by yourself. And all that stress is giving you wrinkles and that is why you need Botox. That’s the real circle of life.
Looking like promiscuous.
Because if you were the girl who woke up one morning with DDs, even a t-shirt can make you look promiscuous according to the world around you. Sometimes we really aren’t trying to expose ourselves, it’s just too hot to walk around with a blanket on. (Newsflash: even if we were wanting to put our cleavage out there, that doesn’t make us sluts, so let’s retire that word.)
Sure, I guess married men are dreading the day their lovely wife of 30 years turns into an evil caricature of herself, but we are the ones who really have to look forward to the hot flashes, extra body hair, dry vaginas, and moodiness. OK, actually, this might be worse for them…
Because it has either happened to you or someone you know, and jerks have been getting away with it for years. We have to be paranoid about where we put our drinks, walking to our car by ourselves, and even unwanted advances from someone we trusted who happened to have too much to drink. If you watch Dateline or 20/20, you basically know that you are a walking target at all times. Yes, I know that men do indeed get raped, but the statistics show the majority of victims are female, and this is something we have to walk around thinking about on a daily basis.
Because sometimes even the super-plus isn’t strong enough to hold back your flow. Running around trying to do it all doesn’t leave much time for tampon changing, although a little leak is still less embarrassing than your friends dog calling you out with his magical period sniffing nose.
The pain of wearing a bra.
Finding a bra in your size that doesn’t look like you borrowed it from your grandma, being stabbed with underwires that just decided to give up, and keeping it all in place so you don’t have quad boob every time you make a sudden motion. While guys have no idea how awful these boob harnesses really are, they also don’t have the pleasure of experiencing how truly amazing it feels when you get to take one off. Oh, wait…
They either wear them or they don’t. It’s either boxers or briefs. We have to decide if we are wearing granny panties, french cut, high wasted, or thongs (for the masochists). We also have to decide if we are going to match them to our bra or forget them all together, which leads to a whole other set of worries like your dress flying up over your head.
Remembering to take your pill everyday.
We have to remember to take this thing every single day at the same exact time, but they can’t even bother to remember to pick up a condom every once and a while.
The absolute worst most awful thing you will ever put on your body that you have absolutely no control over and will make you feel really crappy about yourself.
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