Ever had someone say something rude, then claim they were “just joking”? Or maybe they make you feel bad for being upset by what they said? These sneaky tactics are hallmarks of manipulation. It can be super confusing to deal with, and sometimes you might even start doubting yourself. If someone’s words consistently leave you feeling hurt or dismissed, it’s time to trust your gut.
1. “I was just joking!”
A classic, sure, but not in a good way. They say something hurtful, and when you react, they play it off as humor. Don’t let them dismiss your feelings as a lack of a funny bone. It’s okay to feel hurt when someone says something insensitive. If their jokes are consistently at your expense, it’s worth addressing the pattern.
2. “You’re so sensitive!”
In other words, “I don’t want to acknowledge that I messed up, so I’ll blame your emotions.” Sensitivity isn’t a weakness, and you have a right to feel hurt by their words. Instead of accepting this label, consider saying something like, “I feel hurt when you say things like that.”
3. “Why are you making this a big deal?”
Minimizing your feelings is a way to dodge responsibility for their actions. Remember, your feelings are valid, no matter how “small” they seem to other people. You can respond by saying, “This is a big deal to me, and I’d like to discuss it.” If they cared, they’d respect that and want to work things out.
4. “You’re twisting my words.”
Another deflection tactic that’s pathetically common. If you have to carefully explain what they actually meant, they probably said something they shouldn’t have. Focus on how their words affected you, rather than getting into a battle over semantics. Intention means nothing sometimes.
5. “I never said that!”
Blatant denial is often the name of the game for these people. Even in the face of proof, they’ll refuse to own up to their words. Don’t get pulled into a debate about reality – their defensiveness speaks for itself. Offer to show them proof (like a text message), but don’t let them derail the conversation with gaslighting.
6. “Well, YOU always…”
Bringing up your past flaws is a distraction. Focus on the present issue at hand, and don’t let them derail the conversation with distractions or projection. You can redirect by saying something like, “Let’s stay focused on what we’re talking about right now.”
7. “Why are you attacking me?”
Newsflash: healthy feedback isn’t an attack. They’re painting themselves as the victim to avoid taking a hard look at their own behavior. Try to use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always… ” It might not get you anywhere, but at least you know you practice healthy communication.
8. “That’s not what I meant.”
If they consistently “misspeak,” it might be intentional. Surely, if they keep offending people left and right, they should probably realize that they’re the problem and address it, right? If that wasn’t what they meant, they should probably start saying what they do mean. That would clear things up!
9. “You’re impossible to please.”
Nope, you just expect basic respect and accountability. Don’t let them shift the blame onto you for having reasonable standards. Try responding with something along the lines of, “I don’t expect perfection, but I do expect to be treated with respect.” It’s really not that hard.
10. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This is a non-apology apology if ever there was one. They regret your feelings, not their actions. A genuine apology would acknowledge the hurt they caused. You can express this by saying something like, “I need an apology that acknowledges the impact of your words.”
11. “I’m not going to apologize for…”
… being who they are, or some other excuse. They’re doubling down on their behavior and showing a complete lack of willingness to grow or change. If they’re not willing to apologize sincerely, consider whether this relationship is worth having.
12. “If you would just…”
They put the responsibility on you to change or fix the situation rather than working on themselves, and that’s not cool. Don’t fall into the trap of bending over backwards to soothe their ego. You might say, “This isn’t just about me changing. We both have a role in making this relationship work.”
13. “Fine, whatever.”
This is passive-aggressive dismissal at its finest. They’re not engaging with you, they’re just sulking and hoping you’ll drop the issue. Maintain your boundaries in the face of dismissiveness by saying calmly, “I’d like to finish this conversation when you’re ready to engage.”
14. The silent treatment
Stonewalling is a form of control. They want you to feel desperate for their attention and approval. Don’t chase them – focus on yourself and do your own thing. Give them time to cool down, then calmly re-initiate the conversation later. In fact, maybe wait for them to come to their senses and approach you. Why should you have to be the bigger person here?
15. “Here we go again…”
They frame your attempt to communicate as a constant, exhausting battle. This is designed to make you feel guilty for bringing up legitimate concerns. Remind yourself that you deserve to be heard in a relationship by saying something like, “Every concern I bring up is valid. ”
16. Loud sighs, eye rolls, etc.
Dismissive gestures designed to belittle your feelings without actually saying a word. Don’t be afraid to call them out: “Do you have something to say, or just a facial expression?” It’s a way to stand up for yourself and put the responsibility on them to communicate directly and out loud.
17. “I can’t even talk to you!”
They storm off, which is the ultimate conversation stopper. It’s a power play and a clear refusal to engage with difficult emotions or accountability. Don’t beg them to stay – let them cool down and respect your boundaries. When they return, reiterate that you’d like to finish the conversation in a respectful way.
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