Trying to please a narcissist is like trying to fill a bottomless pit — it’s an exhausting, futile endeavor.
If you’ve found yourself bending over backwards for someone who never seems satisfied, this list might be a wake-up call. Here’s why your efforts are likely falling on deaf ears.
1. They have an insatiable need for admiration.
No matter how much praise you shower on a narcissist, it’s never enough. Their ego is like a leaky bucket that constantly needs refilling. You could spend all day complimenting them, and they’d still be fishing for more validation by dinnertime. This constant need for admiration stems from deep-seated insecurity that no amount of external praise can fix.
2. They lack empathy.
Narcissists struggle to put themselves in other people’s shoes, Psych Central notes, making it nearly impossible for them to appreciate your efforts. They’re so focused on their own needs and feelings that they can’t fathom yours. This lack of empathy means they’ll never truly understand or value the sacrifices you make for them, no matter how significant.
3. They have unrealistic expectations.
In the mind of a narcissist, they deserve nothing but the best, all the time. Your efforts, no matter how grand, will always fall short of their fantasy standards. These unrealistic expectations are a defense mechanism, protecting them from the reality of their own limitations and imperfections.
4. They’re constantly shifting the goalposts.
Just when you think you’ve met their demands, they’ll change the rules. This constant shifting of expectations is a way to keep you off balance and maintain control. It’s also a reflection of their own internal dissatisfaction — nothing is ever quite good enough to fill the void within them.
5. They have a sense of entitlement.
Narcissists believe they deserve special treatment just for existing. Your efforts to please them are seen as merely giving them their due, not as something to be appreciated. This entitlement mentality means they’ll always expect more, without ever feeling truly grateful for what they receive.
6. They thrive on drama and conflict.
Peace and stability are boring to a narcissist. They often create problems just to keep things interesting, which means your efforts to please them might actually be counterproductive. This need for drama is a way for them to remain the center of attention and maintain control over their environment.
7. They’re experts at gaslighting.
Even when you do manage to please them, they might deny it ever happened or twist the narrative. This gaslighting keeps you confused and constantly striving to do better. It’s a manipulative tactic designed to maintain their power and keep you doubting your own perceptions.
8. They have a fragile ego.
Despite their outward bravado, narcissists have incredibly fragile self-esteem. Your attempts to please them might actually threaten their ego if they perceive you as outshining them. This fragility means they’re constantly on the defensive, ready to tear people down to build themselves up.
9. They lack self-reflection.
Narcissists rarely look inward or acknowledge their own faults. This lack of self-awareness means they’ll always blame other people (including you) for their dissatisfaction. Without the ability to self-reflect, they can’t recognize or appreciate the efforts other people make on their behalf.
10. They’re addicted to control.
Pleasing a narcissist would mean giving them complete control, which is impossible in any healthy relationship. Their need for control is insatiable, and they’ll always find new ways to exert power over everyone. This control addiction stems from deep-seated fear and insecurity.
11. They thrive on your insecurity.
The more you try to please them, the more power you give them. They actually prefer you to be insecure and constantly striving for their approval. Your insecurity feeds their sense of superiority and control, creating a toxic dynamic that’s hard to break.
12. They have a distorted view of reality.
Narcissists often live in a world of their own making, where they’re always the hero. Your efforts to please them might not even register if they don’t fit into this distorted narrative. This warped perception of reality makes it impossible for them to accurately assess or appreciate other people’s actions.
13. They’re competitive, even with their supporters.
Even if you’re on their side, a narcissist might see you as competition. Your success or other people’s praise of you can be perceived as a threat. This constant competitiveness means they’re more likely to tear you down than appreciate your efforts to build them up.
14. They lack object constancy.
Narcissists often struggle with object constancy, meaning they have difficulty remembering positive feelings about someone when they’re not present or when they’re upset with them. This means that no matter how much you’ve pleased them in the past, it can all be forgotten in an instant of displeasure.
15. They’re prone to splitting.
Narcissists tend to view people as all good or all bad, with no middle ground. One mistake can turn you from golden child to scapegoat in their eyes. This black-and-white thinking makes it impossible to maintain a consistent state of approval in their eyes.
16. They project their own insecurities.
Often, the very things narcissists criticize in other people are reflections of their own deepest insecurities, Psychology Today explains. Your attempts to please them might actually highlight these insecurities, making them even more critical. This projection is a defense mechanism that prevents them from dealing with their own flaws.
17. They lack object permanence in relationships.
Similar to object constancy, narcissists often struggle with object permanence in relationships. This means that your past efforts to please them are quickly forgotten. Each interaction is like starting from scratch, making it impossible to build up a reservoir of goodwill.
18. They don’t actually want to be pleased.
As counterintuitive as it sounds, narcissists often don’t want to be fully satisfied. Their dissatisfaction gives them a reason to keep demanding more from others. If they were truly pleased, they’d lose their justification for manipulating and controlling those around them.
