Parenting doesn’t stop when the kids move out, but boy, does it change.
Sometimes our grown-up kids aren’t thrilled with how we’re handling this new phase. They might not say it outright, but their actions speak volumes. Here are some signs your adult children might be trying to tell you something’s off:
1. They’re dodging your calls.
If your calls are going to voicemail more often than not, it might not just be their busy schedule. Sure, adult life is hectic, but if they always seem to be “too busy” for a chat, it could be a sign they’re creating some distance. Pay attention to patterns — are they consistently hard to reach, or does it ebb and flow?
2. They’re giving you the highlight reel.
When you do talk, does it feel like you’re getting the sanitized version of their life? If conversations stick to surface-level topics, they might be keeping you at arm’s length. Notice if they change the subject when you ask about deeper stuff. They might be avoiding potential criticism or judgment.
3. They’re always on the defensive.
Do they seem to justify every decision, even when you haven’t criticized? This defensive stance often comes from feeling judged in the past. Try to listen without jumping in with advice. Sometimes, they just want to be heard, not fixed, NBC News explains.
4. Family gatherings are missing some faces.
If your adult child’s partner or kids are consistently absent from family events, it might be more than just busy schedules. They could be shielding their immediate family from perceived tension or criticism. Think back — have there been awkward moments that might make them hesitant?
5. They’re fiercely independent (to a fault).
Independence is great, but if they refuse help even when they’re clearly struggling, it might be about proving themselves. Try offering support in a way that respects their autonomy: “I know you’ve got this handled, but I’m here if you need anything.”
6. They’re bringing up old stuff.
If conversations often loop back to childhood incidents, they’re likely still processing these experiences. These unresolved issues are coloring your current relationship. Listen without getting defensive — understanding their perspective can help heal old wounds.
7. They’re masters of the backhanded compliment.
Subtle digs or passive-aggressive comments might be their way of expressing frustration without direct confrontation. Pay attention to the subtext. There might be underlying issues they’re struggling to express directly.
8. Parenting talk makes them clam up.
If they change the subject when you mention your parenting or their childhood, it’s likely a sore spot. They might be avoiding potential conflict or rehashing old hurts. Consider if there are unresolved issues that need addressing.
9. They’re the parenting police.
Are they overly critical of your current behavior? As Psychology Today notes, nitpicking your actions might be a way of expressing lingering resentment from their upbringing. It’s often less about your current behavior and more about past dynamics.
10. They’re looking for gold stars elsewhere.
If they’re constantly talking about approval from friends or colleagues, it might indicate they feel a lack of validation from you. This behavior often stems from feeling like they could never meet your expectations. Consider how you express pride in their accomplishments.
11. They’d rather struggle than ask for help.
Even when they’re clearly having a tough time, do they resist reaching out? This could be a sign they don’t trust that your help comes without strings or judgment. Reflect on how you’ve responded to their needs in the past.
12. They’re yes-men (or women).
If they never disagree with you, it might not be harmony — it could be conflict avoidance. This often comes from a history of feeling like their opinions weren’t valued or led to arguments. Encourage open dialogue and show that it’s okay to have different views.
13. Your suggestions cause major reactions.
Whether it’s immediate compliance or outright rejection, strong reactions to your input often indicate unresolved issues. It suggests they’re still figuring out how to assert their autonomy while maintaining a relationship with you.
14. Everything’s a competition.
If interactions feel like a contest, with them trying to one-up you, it might stem from feeling like they were never “good enough” growing up. They’re still trying to prove their worth. Acknowledge their achievements without comparison.
15. They’re keeping you in the dark.
While privacy is normal, extreme secrecy about basic life details can indicate a lack of trust. They might fear judgment or interference based on past experiences. Show interest without prying, and respect their boundaries.
16. Physical affection is awkward.
If hugs are uncomfortable or they shy away from physical contact, it might not just be their personality. It could indicate emotional distance or unresolved issues around physical boundaries. Respect their comfort level and find other ways to show affection.
17. They never ask for your two cents.
If they rarely ask for your advice, even on topics where you have expertise, it might be a sign they don’t value your input or fear it comes with strings attached. Offer your thoughts only when asked, and be supportive of their decisions.
18. They’re all business, no warmth.
If interactions feel more like formal meetings than family chats, they might be creating emotional distance. This formality can be a defense mechanism to avoid deeper, potentially contentious conversations. Try to inject some warmth and casualness into your interactions.
