Having doubts about going on a date with that guy who asked you out? Maybe cancel and order in some pizza instead. Here’s why you’re guaranteed to have a better time with a cheesy, saucy pie than with a brand new guy:
- You don’t have to “get to know each other.” God, that’s the worst thing about first dates: you have to sit there telling a stranger all about the usual stuff that you’ve told people a thousand times before. Pizza doesn’t need to know you.
- You can wear whatever you want. Feel like sitting in your old tracksuit and slippers? Done! You don’t have to dress up for a date only to get disappointed. If you spend the night with pizza instead, it won’t care that your hair is a wreck and you’re not wearing makeup.
- It’s better than ordering salad. By staying in with pizza instead of going out with a new guy, you don’t have to worry about what it will think if you skip the healthy salad for heavy carbs. Screw making a great first impression — pizza demands to be eaten and enjoyed!
- You don’t have to share. Pizza is delicious, so you can enjoy it by yourself instead of having to share it with your date and then having him get all weird because you put chocolate sauce on it.
- Carbs make you happy. There’s no doubt that pizza can always make you feel good and satisfied — probably more than all the guys out there who meet you for a date and then show you why it’s better to remain single.
- You don’t have to talk. Pizza doesn’t care if you talk or not, so that cuts out a lot of the weirdness. It’s so much better to get straight to the good part instead of making annoying small talk.
- You don’t have to listen to someone going on and on about himself. Worse than having to talk about yourself is listening to an egomaniac go on and on about how great he thinks he is. It’s enough to make you want to grab your purse and run out of the restaurant screaming. At least pizza can’t talk.
- You can indulge in your worst habits. You can let it all hang out with pizza. You can burp, you can stuff your face, you can curl up on the sofa and get toppings all over your shirt. Who cares?
- You can watch your favorite movies with it. Pizza isn’t going to say that it would rather not watch a romcom and instead buy tickets for the action movie with a cliched script. You never have to compromise with pizza.
- The morning after isn’t weird. When you get up the morning after having devoured pizza, you don’t have to feel awkward around it. You can just heat up the leftovers and do it all again.
- If it’s cheesy, that’s a good thing. A guy who makes cheesy jokes is so frustrating. But pizza that’s overflowing with delicious stringy cheese is delicious. You can’t go wrong with it — ever.
- More is always better. With a first date, you sometimes have to pace yourself so that you don’t rush in too quickly and regret it. But with a delicious pizza, you never have to deny yourself. You can eat the whole thing and have absolutely no regrets. In fact, the more the better!
- You can look at your phone as much as you want. On a date, you have to be sure not to check your phone too often at the risk of being rude. But pizza doesn’t care if you eat it while checking your Facebook, so you can give in to your social media addiction without being judged for it.
- Pizza will always be there for you. A guy can come into your life, make you happy, but then break your heart. Not pizza. It’ll actually be there for you during the worst heartbreaks of your life and never judge you for stuffing your face as a coping mechanism.
- It’s delicious hot or cold. A guy might be warm and sweet, but sometimes he can turn downright cold and become such a jerk. The great thing about pizza is that it’s always delicious, whether it’s nice and hot or cold the next morning.
- You know where you stand. There’s no reason to feel weird around pizza after a few dates, wondering if things are going anywhere. You know exactly where things are going: you’re going to order two large pizzas and smash them into your mouth. Woop!
- You want to swallow. You don’t have to feel weird about whether you’re going to swallow or not or what a date will think about your decision. With pizza, you’ll be happy to swallow lots of times in one night.
- Pizza won’t care if you flirt with the delivery guy. If a guy was with you, you’d have to pretend not to notice the delivery guy’s amazing smile. But the pizza you’ve ordered really doesn’t care if you have a case of the wandering eye. In fact, it might be your wingman, serving as the perfect excuse to start a conversation with the hottie.
- You can put your pleasure first. You don’t have to give and give, only to get a little in return. With pizza, it’s all about your pleasure every single time, and you’re always left feeling satisfied.
- You know what you want and can get it in a flash. You don’t have to wait for the guy you’re dating to make you happy — by choosing pizza, you learn that you can always make yourself happy. So go on and treat yourself. You deserve it.
