Around the time I turned 30, I began to understand myself — and my issues — better. Unlike some people who float through life completely blind to all the things about them that suck, I’ve become increasingly aware of my shortcomings. And while I’m working on myself and doing my best to not be a pain in the ass, the truth is that if you want to date me, you need to accept the sucky things too — I promise all the good stuff about me makes it a fair trade.
- I’ll make you sleep on the couch after we have sex. This is nothing against you, but I need my own space. In fact, I don’t even think this aspect of me sucks. It’s the men I’ve dated who have told me this sucks.
- I like to break glass when I’m pissed off. For me, there’s no greater emotional release as the beautiful sound of breaking glass when I’m angry. What’s even better is throwing a vase or something across the room and watching it shatter upon impact against the wall in addition to the gorgeous sound. I’m not proud of it, but at least I’m honest
- I’m pretty manipulative. But, hey, at least I’m aware of it, which means I can turn it off if I want to — I just usually don’t want to.
- I’ll always put my career before you. My work, this whole writing thing, isn’t just a hobby. It’s my career, it’s my passion and it’s my great love. So you and everyone else (except my dog, Hubbell) will always come second — or third or fourth (maybe even fifth); it depends on my mood.
- I pretend I listen more than I actually listen. Honestly, I’m easily bored by people. I’m fortunate enough to surround myself with some very interesting humans, but when I run into someone not so interesting, I just tune them out. Instead, I just nod, smile and hope that my responses are in line with whatever they’re yammering about.
- I need more alone time than you time. Even if I’m in love with you, like crazy mad in love with you, I’m going to need more time away from you than with you. I don’t know why; it’s just how I am.
- I judge people for stupid reasons. Of course I judge people for legit things like being racist, homophobic and sexist. But I also judge people for stupid crap like wearing white socks or drinking white wine when red wine is clearly the best.
- I’ll write about you and won’t change your name. I will never, ever date a writer. Why? Because they’re jerks who can’t keep anything to themselves. So yeah, I’ll write about you, I’ll most likely write about our sex life and I won’t change your name. Or, if I do, it will be so thinly veiled that even absolute strangers will know who you are.
- My favorite subject is usually myself. Emphasis on “usually,” because when I’m around those few fascinating people in the world, I’m able to favorite them as a subject for the moment.
- I value animal lives above human lives. Although I don’t think this is a sucky quality, I have been told by people that it’s wrong. Well, screw that. So just know now that if you happen to be dying at the exact same time as an elephant, puppy, sea otter, turtle or any other animal in the world and I have to choose between saving you or the animal, I’m running to the animal every time.
- I’ll want more for you than you’ll want for yourself. Read: I have unrealistic expectations. Or at least that’s what you’ll tell your friends.
- I’ll constantly compare you to the love of my life. Oh, I know that this one sucks. Like, sucks so bad. I loved him, lost him and we were totally wrong for each other, but I will definitely compare you to him — just like I’ve done with every other guy I’ve known since him.
- I hate most people on initial contact. I’m one of those people who needs others to prove they’re worthy of my time. Yes, I know this hatred is exhausting, but so is wasting time on someone who never deserved it.
- I’ll never ask you if you want the last slice of pizza. Why? Because I’m just going to take it. And if there are leftovers for whatever reason, I’m going to hide them so you can’t find them and eat those too.
- I hit below the belt when I’m fighting. I don’t just aim to hurt someone’s feelings mid-argument. I aim to destroy, to break, to maim, to make them bleed tears for days. I’d say I go for the jugular, but that’s an understatement.
- I enjoy making people uncomfortable. I really do. I’m that person who will tell a random stranger about the awesome lay you are just to see their reaction.
- I’ll most definitely try to change you. Not completely, of course, but enough so you’ll stop wearing white socks and thinking that the Beatles were an even remotely decent band.
- I never apologize for who I am. But on the flip side, I do admit when I’m wrong.
- I like to keep score. When it comes to money, I don’t care, but when it comes to who sacrificed what and when and who, I will keep score. You made me watch Die Hard on Christmas Even last year? Screw it. This year we’re watching Elf.
- I love with one foot out the door. I don’t believe in forever. Nor do I believe in “The One,” soulmates, or something that’s going to last more than a couple years. Like I said, I get bored easily.
- I’m selfish AF. See #1 thru #20.
