You know the cycle: breakup, cry, move on with someone better, repeat… It can get exhausting. And when you start having thoughts like these, you realize you’ve been single for way — too — long:
1. Is something wrong with my dating profile?
2. What if the one guy I’m supposed to be with died?
3. My 13 year old niece is going to get married before me.
4. Maybe I should donate my eggs. Someone should use them.
5. Why would they invite me with a plus one? Are they trying to rub it in??
6. How dare they invite me without a plus one as if I’m incapable of finding a date!!
7. Should I get another dog?
8. Is my ex still single? I can help him get sober.
9. Maybe my standards are too high. The pizza delivery guy could be cute with some Proactiv.
10. Third cousins are legal, right?
11. I wonder if a nose job will help. Or a boob job. Or a labiaplasty.
12. I hope I haven’t run out of the allotted number of boyfriends one is allowed to have.
13. Do my friends have any hot, single dads?
14. Maybe I should give FarmersOnly a shot.
15. My boss isn’t hideous.
16. Why aren’t my friends setting me up?
17. Sooner or later, one of my friends will get a divorce and I’ll have someone to hang out with again.
18. People really need to stop asking if I’m seeing anyone.
19. How come no one is asking if I’m seeing someone? I totally could be, you know.
20. Why did I waste so much time creating a secret wedding board on Pinterest that I will obviously never need?
21. I hope I don’t choke to death on a grape all alone in my apartment.
22. If no one finds me when I die, will the dogs just eat me?
Rachael is an award winning stand-up comedienne, freelance writer, and BravoTV superfan. Her Real Housewives tagline is “The only thing bigger than my boobs are my personalities.” In her spare time, she keeps busy catering to the needs of a very spoiled Siberian Husky, (Paris Hilton), cleaning the skeletons out of her closet (to make room for more shoes), and swiping left to everyone on Tinder. Follow her on twitter @therealplandd.