By the time we’re ready to jump into bed with him, the question and answer portion of the program should be over. Nothing kills the mood like meaningless small talk, unrealistic demands, and over inflated egos. Here are 25 things guys really need to stop during sex:
When everything else is taken off, this really just ruins your look.
Freezing us out.
If we aren’t comfortable in you 60 degree house with our clothes on, we surely aren’t going to enjoy it naked. If this is the only way you can make our nips hard, you got some work to do.
“Do you want me to slow down?”
How do you slow down a standstill?
Getting too drunk to get it up.
No one wants to spend their time with this guy, so next time stop at a couple beers and leave the shot taking to your friends who don’t want to get laid.
Not following directions.
A little to the left…what’s so hard about that?
“My ex let me do it.”
Then you should probably call her and ask her to let you do it again, jerk.
It wasn’t hot when our moms did it with a wooden spoon, and it’s not hot when you do it either.
“How many other guys have you been with?”
This is never a wise question, but if you have to ask, don’t do it from inside us.
Watching sex online.
Your manhood is never going to look as big as the ones on the screen, and our boobs are never going to look as perky…so do us all a favor and watch it only while having sex with yourself.
“Am I hurting you?”
If you have to ask, the answer is most definitely no.
We don’t care about your fantasy football team, and if you turn on that game your score is going to be 0.
“Do you have ‘anything’”?
Probably something that should have been discussed pre-penetration.
Checking the phone.
Sure you might just be looking up some article on “The Bolde” about how to please your lady, but in our minds you are texting another girl to come over after we leave, or texting one of your bros a naked picture of us.
“Are you on the pill?”
We know you came for the finale, but guess what? So did we.
“Are you coming?”
If you don’t know the answer to that you don’t deserve the opportunity to do this again.
Giving us directions.
If we needed someone to dictate the play by play we would just ask Siri. It’s likely not our first rodeo; we got this.
“Your sister is hot.”
You want to die and never get laid again ever by anyone.
“How was work today?”
Concern yourself more with how you are “treating” us, than how our boss is treating us mmmkay?
Throwing us around.
If you need to reposition all you gotta do is ask. We aren’t rag dolls, and some of us bruise like a peach! If you don’t want people calling you Ray Rice, watch where you put your hands.
Do you really think there is enough of you to go around? Be serious!
A little nibble here or there can be kind of sexy, but there is a fine line between that and coming at us like a rabid dog.
“Are you familiar with the term S&M?”
Are you familiar with the term NEVER GONNA HAPPEN?
“Why are you acting like such a prude?”
Not letting you sneak in the “back door” right away is not prude, and if you think that, you should probably ease up on the p*rn, mister.
“Am I the best you’ve ever had?”
That is still TBD, now stop asking questions and get to work!
Rachael is an award winning stand-up comedienne, freelance writer, and BravoTV superfan. Her Real Housewives tagline is “The only thing bigger than my boobs are my personalities.” In her spare time, she keeps busy catering to the needs of a very spoiled Siberian Husky, (Paris Hilton), cleaning the skeletons out of her closet (to make room for more shoes), and swiping left to everyone on Tinder. Follow her on twitter @therealplandd.
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